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Relationships

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Original poster

i don't want anymore dc's. my dh does.

12 replies

warthog · 27/12/2008 13:32

he has always said he wants 3 so it's not like i didn't know. he's not going to change his mind.

i have 2 dc's. i really don't want another. i feel complete now and the thought of going through it all again is too much to bear.

i like to know what the future holds and plan for it. i'm not one for 'take it as it comes'. i'd be really happy if i knew i'm done with babies (or will be soon!).

on the other hand, i can't bear letting him down. i don't want him to feel resentful of me, and he may feel this for the rest of our lives! he does help out, so it's not like he doesn't know the work involved.

seems like a catch22 to me.

does anyone else have this problem? how did you sort it out?

OP posts:

widgypog · 27/12/2008 16:37

have similar in that i would have liked another but dh def doesnt so we havent..end of. sad but true

skidaddle · 27/12/2008 16:44

hmm, that's a hard one. I suppose you kind of have to go with the person who doesn't want another one (you in this case) as it seems worse making someone do something they don't want to than not doing something that someone does want IYKWIM, especially if that someone is the woman who will bear the brunt of it.

I know my DH really wants a third and although I would in many ways, like you the thought of going through pregnancy, birth, BF and sleepless night again horrifies me.

I think a big long chat is probably needed if you feel like you need a decision to be made

Original poster

warthog · 27/12/2008 16:51

thanks for replying.

i have tried several times to have a serious talk but he just won't commit to two. he just doesn't really reply no matter how hard i try!

OP posts:

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 27/12/2008 16:58

I would have liked more children but DH didn't.

tiredexplorer · 27/12/2008 17:00

My DH would like more but we've got 2 DDs and I feel our family is complete (I've always wanted only 2 and he's always talked about at least 2 with the possibility of more). The second pregnancy was really hard and I'm still a bit haunted by my first birth experience.

I know I'm not going to change my mind and he's agreed we're done although it doesn't stop him dropping hints and joking about trying for a son (to which I respond "have you grown a uterus yet?" ). On a serious note, pregnancy and childbirth is no walk in the park and the physical toll it takes on your body not to mention the emotional stress is not to be taken lightly.

Only you know what your body and mind can cope with and you shouldn't have to worry about letting him down or him resenting you. Talk to him and be honest about how you feel and ask him this question: If you were the one who would get pregnant and you feel the way I do, what would you do and what would you want from me? When I asked my DH that question he immediately said "I know how tough pregnancy has been on you and I don't want you to have to go through that again. Our family is perfect just as it is."

Best of luck. Hope you come to some resolution.

Reallytired · 27/12/2008 17:01

Prehaps you need to wait bit before completely and utterly ruling out the possiblity of a third. I am expecting my second child and it will be a seven years age gap. My husband and I waited until we were both ready.

I suppose a lot depends on how many child bearing years you have got left. Can you afford to wait a couple of years.

Original poster

warthog · 27/12/2008 18:50

yes, we can wait a couple of years. the thing is, i'm going through tough times with my baby, lots of night waking etc. and it would be easier if i knew i'd never have to do it again iyswim. i've got a toddler, so i know what's in store and i just don't know if i have the energy to do all this for 3 kids.

i have tried so many times to talk to dh and what i need is for him to say 'ok, we won't have anymore'. we could always change our minds later. but the status quo now is, 'we might have more, let's see' and that's a very big difference in my mind.

we have a small house with only 2 bedrooms so the girls will share. if we have another dc, we'd have to think about moving. so this will affect long term plans. admittedly not for the next year. i just need to feel settled for my own sake. i'm tired of always living in a state of flux.

both pregnancies were awful and while i had good births, i never want to experience it again! unless i have an epidural before it starts. i desperately tried to convince the midwife last time but she didn't even believe i was in labour and tried to send me home. had the baby 2 hours later

OP posts:

RedFraggle · 31/12/2008 08:53

Yes, my DH would love another child. I however, can't bear the thought of another pregnancy and another c-section. I feel our family is complete, we have a boy and a girl. I am just about getting my figure back and feel like I am getting some semblance of control over life again...
Like you I want to know where I stand. But in my case I do. I am NOT having another baby. It doesn't stop him hinting but I just reply (rather like tiredexplorer) that when he can do it all, then he can have the third child!

LiffeyValleyOfTheDolls · 31/12/2008 10:20

What age are your children? If they are four and 2 then it'd be torture to go through it all again just when you're coming out the other end. But sometimes, when the 4 yr old and 6 yr old are both at school til 3, people feel ready to face a new born.

LiffeyValleyOfTheDolls · 31/12/2008 10:22

Maybe tell your husband that when you are in a 3 bedroom house anyway, then you'll revisit your decision.

unfitmother · 31/12/2008 10:30

My DH would like more, I wouldn't but says he wouldn't put me through it again (2 emc/s and an IUD at 21 weeks).

CatchaChristmasStar · 31/12/2008 10:51

But surely he has to understand how you feel on the situation? Does he not remember that you had a crappy couple of pregnancies? Is he at all understanding of the fact that it is you phyisically that has to bear the brunt of it all?

If you think that you'd reconsider when your children are a bit older something like 'DH, perhaps in a couple of years we can think of having another. I can't promise I will want to but I will certainly consider it. Until then, can you please give it a rest?'

Or if you've made your mind up that you don't want another sit him down and tell him everything, firmly. Ask him why he can't just be happy with the family he already has.

He's being a bit selfish and thoughtless if he isn't taking your needs and wants into account, but that's just my opinion. The fact he wants a third child isn't a bad thing, but putting pressure on you to have another if you don't want to is.

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