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Original poster

What a treat - off to passive aggressive MIL's today. Some coping mechanisms please.

29 replies

theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 09:49

Most of you on here will know about my issues with my MIL, which extend into issues with my dh, who won't stand up to her and refuses to let me do it.

She phoned 12 times yesterday, basically to tell us that she has bought ds a whole of plastic shite for Xmas - which we specifically asked her not to do. I can't say anything to her about it - even politely and nicely - as she will take huge offence at anything we say against her, and will then refuse to speak to us, will stop the rest of the family speaking to us and this will all upset dh hugely.

So we are off to visit them today, to have lunch and do the Xmas thing with them. We spent Xmas day with just the three of us this year and MIL is hugely upset that we saw my family yesterday rather than going to them first, and has already said that it's their "turn" next year to have us on Xmas day - which is just not going to happen. This is just like her, to start a fight about next Christmas already!

She just makes me so angry - and it's making me really mad that I can't say anything to her because get hugely upset and start going on about everything she's done to help us (none of which we asked for, btw) and how they can't afford to replace the carpet in their house because they've spent all their money on ds and us - we didn't ask them to.

Give me some ways to cope please - amusing suggestions most welcome, i need a laugh.

OP posts:
Kbear · 27/12/2008 09:50

quick, get your annual migraine today and confine yourself to bed

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 09:56

Not a bad plan - I have thought about confining myself to bed and letting dh take ds on his own, but that would be very mean.

Although, if he doesn't get out of bed soon I will be inventing some pregnancy symptoms which mysteriously mean I can't sit in the car for an hour. Possibly my unborn child may develop a sudden Granny-intolerance.

OP posts:
Kbear · 27/12/2008 09:58

Very mean but much less stressful - you and DH wouldn't argue on the way home today, your MIL can't wind you up etc etc. It's a win-win situation. Get an icepack now and swoon alot.

Fleurlechaunte · 27/12/2008 09:58

None affirmative or negative statements to everything she says.

"Really?"
"Oh".
"It's certainly possible"
"We'll see"
"I wouldn't like to say"
"Not really"
"My Goodness"
"Well, well".
"Do you think so?".

I can see my Mum seething when I do this in response to her nonsensical statements and opinions.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:00

Fleur - I love it!

Although, I think I might be starting to see spots in front of my eyes - that's not a good sign is it?

OP posts:
Fleurlechaunte · 27/12/2008 10:02

I like sifting through which annoying non commital response I should make when she is wittering on as well. You can keep a tally of how many times you have used each one in your head. It gets to be quite fun.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2008 10:07

Migraine or having severe stomach pains is good but is only a short term measure. You need long term measures now. This problem needs to be addressed properly.

Why do you have to see this woman at all?. She seems to bring nothing but problems into your lives.

Her getting upset at your valid complaints is a form of manipulation designed to bring you back into line.

Why won't you DH stand up to his Mother?. He needs to be honest with you here and tell you. Who is his primary loyalty to?. In fairness to him though, being under the thumb of such a formidable figure - in his case his toxic Mother - can take years to overcome if he ever manages to break free of her. He likely does not realise how "toxic" she actually is, her malign influence has cast a long shadow over all of your lives. Do not forget either that his whole life has likely been dominated by this woman's thoughts and actions. He does need to talk to her though, she won't be bought to book otherwise. He may actually need help in order to face her.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may help your own self.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:15

Attilla - thank you for your post. I'm going to show it to dh, having someone else point out how toxic her behaviour is may be helpful.

I agree, i think he needs some sort of counselling to face her properly.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2008 10:23

I have both toxic and dysfunctional inlaws to contend with, you have my sympathies. In my case the primary thing that has helped me is keeping emotional distance and as little personal contact as possible (for my own self). I still visit them though with my DH and son when my DH wants to see his parents, I read their newspapers.

Your H may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author. Its very hard for him and I do have some sympathies for him too, he likely wants both his Mum and you to be equally happy and get along. But this is not possible due to his Mum's behaviours. Having said all that though his primary loyalty should be to you and by turn your son.

Buying plastic tat even though you asked her not to is again another example of disrespecting your wishes.

I feel for your H as well as yourself; she sounds completely domineering and rides roughshod over everyone's feelings.

SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 10:27

just play "poor me" bingo, every time she says one of her stock phrases tick them off mentally and see what time is "bingo" time, when they've all been said at least once.

Doodle2U · 27/12/2008 10:27

Agree with Fleur - turn this into a mini challenge game with points and everything.

For an extra 100 Doodle points, see which of you can use the phrase "It's as long as it's short" first!

Report back!

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:29

The thing is, Atilla, he feels very indebted to her (not entirely sure why) and although he knows we are being manipulated he feels he can't say anything to her about it because of "all she has done for us".

I think he needs some serious counselling to get over his upbringing, he was packed off to boarding school at a very young age and was always made to feel like shit for not being a girl (MIL desperately wanted a girl, but only managed to have dh who is an only child) and also had to deal with an alcoholic father.

He looked into getting counselling privately last year, but we couldn't afford it then. We're now in a position to afford it, and I'm wondering about just making him an appointment and presenting him with a fait accompli, but I don't know if that would just be repeating the PA behaviour i hate from MIL so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:31

Roffle @ Sleigh and Doodle.

I think I'll have to go, I mentioned my developing allergy to Surrey to dh and he went pale.

So - who'd like to have a small wager on when she starts phoning to see if we've left yet? I'm amazed we've not had a call already, actually.

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 10:34

Where abouts does she live? How about dh drops you off her en route for a cuppa instead?

Or hit the sales on Woking or something?

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:37

Dorking.

I'd love to have a look in Debenhams in Guildford, they often have some lovely stuff in there reduced, but I don't think I'll get a chance.

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 10:38

Think I'd make it part of the deal, you're only going if you get 2 hours in Debenhams on the way there

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:39

Oh, but then we'd be committing the cardinal sin of Being Late For Dinner, which would earn us some huffy remarks.

One missed call on dh's mobile. Not looked at mine yet.

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 27/12/2008 10:41

LOL!!!!!!!!!! Only one missed called!!! 2 hours shopping after dinnner for some exercise

MrsMattie · 27/12/2008 10:43

I absolutely LOVE Fleur's suggestions, and will be using them on my MIL very soon

YeahBut · 27/12/2008 10:44

I feel your pain. We are off to spend a whole week with dh's P/A parents. It's shit. Every year I think I won't be able to get through it without booze saying something, but have managed to keep it in for 12 years. One of these days my brain will implode.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 10:48

A week?

Why would you do that to yourself?!?

OP posts:
Zahrah · 27/12/2008 11:20

Blimey TSD - the first sentence in your post - Sat 27-Dec-08 10:29:58 - that was my DH.

However, this christmas I have finally managed to make him see sense and realise just how toxic his father and sister really are.

You have my fullest sympathies and I will be thinking of you. Good Luck!

Ditto - Attilla - When I 'used' to visit the outlaws, I read their papers including the sports section and that in itself was a task.

YeahBut · 27/12/2008 11:27

Because we live overseas and can't just pop in for an hour or two. And dh has too much guilt (despite having nothing to feel guilty about) to go with my suggestion that we just don't bother if it is going to stress him out so much. And this year promises to be extra fun since dh actually managed to say no to a recent request to borrow 120K.
I will be spending a lot of time in Tesco and at the shops. "Sorry it took so long, the queue at the till was shocking!"

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 27/12/2008 11:32

YeahBut - what a nightmare for you. Good on your dh for refusing to borrow money from them though.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 27/12/2008 11:35

No, they were trying to borrow money from us.