Am I right to disown dbil & wife - had enough of them upsetting dh

[lonevoiceinthedark]

Dh and I have been together 24 years, his brother and wife have been together 10. Dh's family is very small, just the brothers and three old dears. Dbil lives 40 miles away. We have 2 dc, both born before or during the early years of dbil's relationship.
All their married life they have rather pointed ignored us, we have only been invited to their house one Boxing Day and been over for a cup of tea a handful of times (always at our instigation). They had trouble conceiving their ds and would have no contact with us throughout, even though we were very sympathetic and wanted to support them. At Xmas/birthdays we receive gushing cards with messages, 'loads of love', 'we must see you'. But no invites. The brothers speak on the phone every couple of months (usually us ringing them) and if dh makes an invitation, dbil says he will speak to wife but it's never mentioned again.
When their ds was born just over a year ago we were over the moon for them, were up to the hospital with cigars for both sides of the family, visited them when baby came home, made a huge fuss for baby's first Christmas. I also made a point of being very supportive to sil about the way she wanted to bring up her baby - no interfering sil here. Hoped and prayed this was the start of a new sort of relationship. Nothing.
Saw dbil in April when I took it upon myself to visit his new restaurant. Managed to see my dn for a few minutes although it felt like I was breaking into their house to do so. Dh took me to the restaurant for lunch in the summer and when we asked if we might pop in to see the baby were refused.
I again 'broke into the house' in August so my dc could see their cousin. I thought the visit went well and I expressed my wish to come and see the baby for his birthday and could I make his cake (I love making first birthday cakes). My sil made an odd remark 'why - do you make a fuss about their first birthday?' to which both me and mil said 'yes, you do!'. When the birthday came we were put off, we could not go to the house, they would not come to us, they would not meet for an hour at mil's. We were blanked. Later saw pictures of baby with his first birthday cake supplied by my sil's mother (nasty one too). Baby saw all of her family and my mil, but not us. Dh tried to talk to his brother about how we feel at this stage, but with no effect.
Now Xmas has come and gone with another gushing card and a Xmas day phonecall, but dh has not seen his brother or his dn. On Xmas day they had her parents, her sister, her bil, my mil and her sister to lunch. We've not even received the offer of a cup of tea on a lesser day.
Dh was so upset last night after mil (with her usual aplomb) showed her Xmas Day photos.
Everyone there, not us.
I am so angry. I want to smash his family's heads together. He is a brilliant bloke, we have done nothing to deserve this (and believe me we have spent hours analysing our behaviour to make sure of this).
I know I can't do the smashing. And I don't want to commit dh to having nothing to do with them.
But I have to do something - I feel I am going to say to mil and bil (if he should phone) that I personally want nothing to do with bil and his wife as it is too difficult to stand by and watch them hurt someone I love. I don't want to hear any news about them, and I don't want to speak to them.
I have to do something!
Sorry this is so long. Been wandering around tidying up for two hours, and this has been on my mind constantly.

Following discussion with dh and sisters, I think perhaps my SIL has issues with me. I think it may stem from this: when dbil met her he had been in a relationship with another woman for 9 years and they were renting part of our house whilst they saved up their deposit. Then shit hit fan, he ended the relationship. The day it happened he left to go to his now-wife's flat. I came home from work to a woman falling apart before my eyes. Nine years they had been together, they were due to marry, all finished. I asked dbil not to return for a few days to give his ex time to come to terms. She had absolutely nowhere to go and was in pieces. No way could I expect her to leave in that state. So he did not return for a week, during which time his ex was able to get over initial shock and speak to her own friends, find somewhere to live.
It wasn't that I picked her over him, she needed my support more.
My sister put forward the theory that my now SIL feels that I don't accept her - that I think she broke up the previous relationship etc. Also, that SIL may think I am still in touch with his ex. I am not. We kept in touch until she was settled and then she suggested we cut contact. I was happy to have helped her back onto her feet, and I hope she's found happiness but I don;t even know where she lives now.
I don't think she broke up the relationship - my bil and his ex were a disaster waiting to happen, they had no chemistry at all. However, I would not have ever rejected his ex when she was in such a state.
I've never had the opportunity to clear the air about that time - perhaps I should have.

Thanks for viewpoint dollius. I don't think either man would have a problem with their childhood, certainly at that time there was no 'golden boy'. There's touch of that now, especially since FIL died, which is why I will not use MIL as a go-between, but I think only outsiders see it. I suspect both brothers are oblivious to it.

Perhaps phone your dbil for a chat between you and him and clear the air.

Sounds like you have touched on the issue that may still be bothering your SIL. Bit harsh given that you were the one who basically cleared up the mess for them at the time. Perhaps she thinks you judge her because she judges herself about her actions during
that time. And has transferred that into blame for you "choosing" the ex over them.
Would there be any way to reassure them that you don't judge her? Or would that just rake up the past all over again?

Obviously I know you didn't actually break into the house but you did sound rather forceful, I'm afraid.