What is a toxic partner

[idontlikecricket]

Was reading about this, think my DP may show signs (not excessively bad but) was interested to know.

He:

Thinks life has let him down

Very niggly about his childhood, thinks he was held back

Manages to turn things around so that if I'm upset and telling him how I feel, he makes me feel bad

I'm always the one trying to support him and make him feel better, even if I suffer

I'm always confused when I have conversations with him

Able to do whatever he wants because he feels nobody can tell him what to do

Sometimes very morose at home because he thinks we have a terrible marriage

But lovely when out with other people

Almost like he is emotionally immature

Am I on the right track?

Don't get me wrong I don't necessarily want to run in the wrong direction, I want to be able to deal with it myself in order that I feel better

Thanks, it's really interesting to read all these posts.

I'm not so sure if my DH is a complete toxic personality though he has shown signs of this behaviour.

I've learnt that he is very stubborn and sometimes (annoying as it is) I have to think before I respond. He is also emotionally immature.

I've also learnt that I can display some of these characteristics - its really frightening actually! I can be quite dependent and needy, I can be insulting if he drives me to frustration, and I can also do things like interrogate him about his friends checking his emails and texts - not healthy at all and it doesn't make me feel happy.

Whilst our relationship woes are NOT all my fault, I've decided although I can't change him, I can change me - I need to be positive about my self, not have so low a self esteem and stop worrying about what he's doing. I think I have a need to control a situation - not because I don't want him to enjoy himself, but because I worry about things and what could happen and I need to let that go. I'm a big girl now and I've got to stand on my own two feet.

I used to blame him alot for all the problems in our relationship, because I couldn't see his viewpoint or I automatically thought he was wrong. I realise that it takes two. Sometimes his behaviour was wrong and immature, but I cannot change the way he acts by going on at him and being needy.

Sorry if that sounds like such a complete rant, but I don't want to feel so wretched anymore and in a complete blur all the time. It's only me that can make me feel better!

He's a man
G.A.G..thank you! But it is hard, i don't want to patronise him, as i'm sure a lot of people with this type of partner, both male and female, as that would make me as 'bad' ..totally inverted commas there..as him,
Also i had a rotten time as a kid, being the oldest i was expected to be a 'parent', i have been in abusive situations, been neglected and emotionally and physically abused. I know therefore how i would like to be treated, unfortunately it can be a double edged sword though, an abusive childhood has two paths which sometimes cross, one is that you will not tolerate any kind of crap and the other is that you are so browbeaten you actively seek out people who treat you as your parents/carers did, so you don't feel out of the loop.
These then lead to their own situations, you can become a very critical caregiver yourself, for example, simply because you don't know how else to do things, a lot of people i know are caught in this trap, doing what their parents did, not wanting to, but not knowing how to break the cycle.
Could go on forever sorry.. so the upshot of this is, i don't hit or even shout @ my kids.. used to use physical punishment but changed now (reformed character lol) and have not smacked my kids for approx 9 years now, they are 11 and 14, so my son (11) has never been smacked.
I did interfere a lot with the way my partner was with his two kids at first, including standing between them when he was shouting, i put him in their position, by making him kneel down while i shouted at him lol.. it made him see how frightening he was to the kids.. and now he is better with all of them.
It just leaves him then now lol, bloody hell it is hard work when the 'victim of my childhood' card keeps coming up on his part.. i keep saying ffs you are in control of your life now not your parents, forget what they did to you/taught you, and learn new ways.. he is showing willing to work on it though

BlueSapphire77 has exactly the same situation....how do you manage now?