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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you say to an alcoholic?

8 replies

CosmeticJunkie · 27/12/2008 08:45

A good friend of mine is drinking too much. Her drinking has been happening for a few years, but during the last 2 it has become more problematic. I think that I (and my dh) are the only friends who know the 'warts and all' version of what is happening in my friends life.

My friend has admitted once that she is an alcoholic to us. And she claims that she had some help for a while.

What I need to know, is how friends and family deal with people who drink too much. I've read a bit about it and am aware that the person needs to get to that place where they want to stop drinking, rock bottom, and all that. God knows, I thought my friend had reached rock bottom on a couple of occasions, but apparently not.

On a practical level, what do I say to her if can see that she has been drinking at an inappropriate time e.g. school run, at work? Do I ignore it? Do I say something there and then? Do I wait 'til she's a bit more sober to say something?

We went out recently (with 1 other friend who knows nothing) and my friend claimed she wasn't drinking, but she was very, very drunk. I was so upset afterwards I haven't been able to speak to her for over a week and I feel awful about it. I just am scared of what I will say and scared of the lies that I will probably hear. I hate that my feelings towards her are now dominated by the alcohol.

Her drink problem is eating away at our friendship and I need to know what I can do to stop that happening.

Any advice would be very gratefully received - thanks.

PS. I have called Al-Anon but kept getting an answer machine over Christmas but will keep trying.

OP posts:
honestfriend · 27/12/2008 11:09

I am sorry- this is tricky for you.
Maybe however, the change in your attitude/friendship is part of the fallout she will have to experience in order to get better?
Maybe you have to be open with her and say that you do not like her drinking and that it is affecting how you feel about her.
If you feel you want to speak you remind, then I think you should as otherwise you are colluding with her and not helping her face facts.
re. drink/driving, if it were me, I am afraid I would involve the police as she is putting both her own and others' lives at risk. I would also never allow my own children to be driven by her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2008 11:25

Would agree with honestfriend here.

Re Al-anon did you try this number for them?.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

They should be there today.

feetheart · 27/12/2008 11:38

Also agree with honestfriend.
If you keep quiet you are colluding with her alcoholism. She will probably not want to hear what you have to say and you are probably right about the lies too.

Al-Anon is definitely the way to go, don't worry that it feels a bit 'culty' to start with, the people there are FANTASTIC and know exactly where you are coming from. They will help you (and your DH) work out how you deal with your friend's alcoholism. It may not help her because as you rightly say she needs to get to that point herself but it did wonders for Dh and I when we were dealing with alcoholism in the family. They gave us the opportunity to step back from the situation and work out how to cope without everything being dominated by the alcohol. Couldn't rate them highly enough.

Good Luck

CosmeticJunkie · 27/12/2008 14:50

Thank you for your thoughts about this. I know I have to have these conversations with her, they are so painful. We are all colluding with her. Her dh, although he doesn't like her drinking is doing his best to keep their family together. But I think his best intentions are just covering up her almost constant low level drinking.

Honestfriend, I think you're right. I've tried so hard to 'be there' for her, pick up the pieces, keep her going, but in the end it's just covering up and it's just allowed it to go on and on. I've tried not to let our relationship suffer, but maybe it has to, as you say for her to realise.

I'll try Al-Anon again. There's so much other stuff that I don't want to post on here - or bore you all with.

OP posts:
dittany · 27/12/2008 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holidaywonk · 27/12/2008 15:00

I think one of the hardest things, when you're dealing with someone who is an addict, is accepting that there's very little you can do.

Sadly, your friendship will probably go into retirement until/unless she manages to sort herself out. If she asks you why you aren't getting in touch, tell her the truth.

Re. drinking and driving - I'd give her one warning (ie, that if I saw her drinking and driving again I'd contact the police). Some people would say that you shouldn't even give her one.

idontlikesundays · 27/12/2008 15:08

What do you say to an alcoholic?

You say, I love you, but there is nothing I can do to help you if you continue drinking. I hate that you drink, and I hate that you lie about drinking. I hate the sort of person you become when you drink. I love you, but if I carry on supporting your drinking, it is going to eat away at our friendship and destroy my soul. I want to continue being a good friend and have you in my life, but I don't know if that is going to be possible if you carry on drinking. Ultimately, I have to put my own well-being and that of my family before your drinking.

It's very tough.

CosmeticJunkie · 27/12/2008 15:58

It is so tough. She called me today and we went through all the niceties and I just felt sick to my stomach that I couldn't talk to her properly. Strangely, I feel so resentful that her other friendships remain in tact, 'ignorance is bliss' and all that, and ours is under so much strain. I'm getting so angry and bitter.

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