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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So out of practice!

19 replies

stareye · 26/12/2008 23:30

Advice needed please!

Have just come out of an on-off (mostly off) 7 year marriage. Some friends helped me move home last week and that night invited me round to have a take-away with them (after the move) as a friend of theirs had turned up. I was totally exhausted and tired from the move, but thought it was a nice touch for them to invite me round.

Long and short of it was that their friend was very nice and had also come out of a marriage. He smiled at me quite a few times and seemed to be trying to confirm my marital status etc. He really made me laugh, which I've been thinking about a few times since then, as I can't remember the last time someone (a male IYSWIM!) made me laugh. grin He then proceeded to get drunk with his friend and didn't seem to register that I was going etc.

Thing is, I am so totally out of practice with all of this. Should I wait and hope that I get invited round there again and that he happens to be there? Or should I mention to the friends that I thought he was nice etc.?

Sorry if this sounds a bit pathetic, but as I said before, I'm so out of practice with all of this!

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 26/12/2008 23:51

If you have both come out of marriages, and he made eyes at you then got drunk and didn't notice you were going...

then I'd put it down to a nice evening where a nice (till he got drunk man paid you attention and made you feel desirable again.

You need a few of those I think before you start on actual relationships again.

If he had been really interested he'd have stayed around you and not been too drunk to notice that you were leaving. He may just need some time to be letting his hair down getting pissed with the lads.

You said this happened last week. If he was interested in you and thinking 'damn she went before I could get her number' you would have heard about it by now.

Mention to your friends that he was nice, but not in a 'he was nice whats his number' kind of way, more that it felt nice to have a flirt with an attractive man.

Original poster

stareye · 27/12/2008 00:20

Thanks Flibbertyjibbet. I think he was quite drunk by the time I left actually. I don't think I will say anything to my friends - I'll wait and see if they say anything first - that should give me a better picture of what's been said (if anything). I don't want them to just be polite and say something like "Oh, I'm sure he likes you too, its just that we haven't seen him much since then etc etc."

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 27/12/2008 00:48

If you've just left a relationship, you probably need some "head time" without a partner to establish in your own mind "who you are" and "what you want". He'll be much the same. I wouldn't go pursuing him, but bear him in mind for when you're ready for a good shag relationship in the future.

Original poster

stareye · 27/12/2008 19:27

What's a good shag OldLadyKnowsNothing? Can't remember that far back! Had a look at my lumpy thighs and stomach today and thought I'd better put all this man thing on hold for a while!

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 27/12/2008 19:56

oh behave!dont run yourself down!a bit of flirting does you good!!

solidgoldstuffingballs · 27/12/2008 20:02

It's always nice to flirt and be flirted with, but be wary of getting into the mindset that a Nice New Man will instantly fix your life. This particular man may be very nice, or he might be an abusive predator with a nose for vulnerable newly-single women. Or he might be someone who just fancied a shag that night, might reappear, shag you and then move merrily on. Basically, while there's no need to refuse to socialise, don't read too much into any friendly interaction and give yourself time to work out who you are and what you want before embarking on anything further than friendly/flirty chat with anyone.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 27/12/2008 20:32

This all reads very true I think,but maybe you are aware of how far you've come and are since your ex stareye?

Original poster

stareye · 27/12/2008 23:35

solidgoldstuffingballs
I don't have any illusions about men - having spent too many years in a very miserable marriage! Think (well know) that I'm the only one who can fix my life.

I think this man is (was) just very nice. He wasn't predatory at all or looking for a shag. Just made me laugh for a long time for the first time in years.

aseriouslyblondemoment
You're right!

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 28/12/2008 02:01

Stareye if you quite fancy him then there's no harm in finding out more about him from your friends,it doesn't mean you're sad if you do.Were you invited round by any chance because he was there and your friends thought they could match make?

Original poster

stareye · 29/12/2008 22:29

aseriouslyblondemoment
I'll weave him into a few conversations and try and find out a bit more .....

I really don't know whether I was invited by chance or for a match make. Difficult to tell, as I don't know this couple that well, have only met them recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

stareye · 30/12/2008 22:44

Well, have been in contact with my friends. They didn't make any mention of him, other than talking to each other about how they think he goes round to see them so much because he doesn't like to go back to his house alone, how he's had to pay his ex wife out big time (financially) etc. They didn't suggest us all meeting up etc., so pretty obvious that he didn't make any mention of me to them. Oh well, never mind..

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 30/12/2008 23:12

did you mention him?
he might not have mentioned you?possibly as he saw you as not interested/unavailable?
and i once fancied a friend of a friend but they wouldn't help as they thought he was unsuitable for me lol!!

Original poster

stareye · 30/12/2008 23:24

Well, when they mentioned his name, I made a point of (innocently!) confirming whether he was the guy from the other night etc. But they were just talking amongst themselves about him, it wasn't really aimed at me or anything, just general confirmation of how they think he doesn't want to go home because he's on his own, his contact arrangements with his child, the maintenance he has to pay etc.

The husband did earlier make some mention of how now I was out of my marriage, I could find myself a nice new man, but he didn't then mention the friend. It was just a throw away comment really.

OP posts:

Original poster

stareye · 30/12/2008 23:24

The husband did earlier make some mention of how now I was out of my marriage, I could find myself a nice new man, but he didn't then mention the friend. It was just a throw away comment really.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 31/12/2008 13:36

So what now stareye?
if you still are interested then you could ask your friends if you could all get together again?
you don't have to sound desperate!!
maybe mention that you found him a good laugh/company and that he seems good fun?

Original poster

stareye · 31/12/2008 17:16

I'll probably leave it. It probably wasn't meant to be.

I don't know this couple well enough to suggest meeting up with their friends i.e. him. They'd probably think I was being a bit OTT. I don't want them depicting me to him as someone who doesn't want to go home etc (in the same way that they were talking about him!).

If they were close friends I would have definitely said something and had it all sussed out, but as they're not, I don't want them to feel awkward and I don't want to be embarrassed if they said something like: "Oh well actually he's already started seeing someone/gay/pining after his ex wife/ thinks you're fat and ugly/ said you're not his type at all."

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/01/2009 14:45

well stareye you'll never know if you dont do a bit more digging
you don't have to seem desperate
and if your friends were good enough to have you round for dinner then i'm sure that they're obviously looking to further their friendship with you.
If i were you i would wait for an opportune moment to make discreet enquiries but then thats just me and my 'nothing ventured nothing gained'outlook on life!!

Original poster

stareye · 02/01/2009 21:26

aseriouslyblondemoment
What do you reckon to getting another friend to make enquiries with this couple? Or is that really childish? I just can't keep contacting this couple or they'll think I'm really OTT (considering I don't know them that well). However, I do know someone who does know them (but she is a bit shy). I was thinking of asking her if she would do a bit of 'idea dropping' for me when she sees them next. I don't know whether she would or not.

Another friend of mine suggested having a moving in party and inviting the couple and asking them to bring him too. But again I think they'd think it a bit odd for me to be suggesting bringing him too, as I don't know them or him that well.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 03/01/2009 15:17

oh dear this is becoming a bit of a prob isn't it?
I would consider asking for her help if you are comfortable to do that
And a moving in party would be ideal!!
As i said if they felt that they could ask you round for dinner then they wouldnt feel it odd to be asked round to yours
And invite him too on the premise that he seems good fun and the more the merrier etc
It's worth a try otherwise you'll only be left wondering what if..?
..and he obviously sounds as if he likes a night out too.
GO FOR IT!!
and keep us updated!! xx

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