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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

do you sometimes need a friend who will just listen?

18 replies

honestfriend · 26/12/2008 20:07

I had a horrible chat with my BF today- I was offloading about a row at home with my DS and she really laid into me- not saying I was wrong, but offering a solution. I didn't need it- I know the solution- I just needed to offload.
In the end I felt battered by her- and hung up, crying.
she phoned back to say sorry and I said I'd call her soon-we will not fall out- have known her almost 30 yrs.

But sometimes, don't you find you don't need solutions- just an ear and a "sorry you are feeling down"...?

OP posts:
Zebraa · 26/12/2008 20:20

She should have let you vent and get off your chest what was bothering you. It was insensitive of her to then give you a hard time. When you feel ready to speak to her, just be honest about what you wanted from her and how you need her to listen and not judge you. That's what a friend is all about.

Original poster
honestfriend · 26/12/2008 20:26

Agreed- she is very strong willed and she just went on, and on, and on....about what I should do- when i have been doing that anyway!

I did say this to her- and said she just went on too much-I didn't ask for advice or a solution, I just needed to vent.
I think in some way she is quite "male"- she sees venting as a problem to be solved.

Please, MNs - be aware of this- I know I have done the same to her, but some times we just need silence on the other end of the phone, or the occasional "I'm sorry" "That's tough..."

OP posts:
Zebraa · 26/12/2008 20:34

Same can apply to my DP. He always needs to provide a solution/answer/reason whenever I vent or moan and I often end up yelling at him cos all I want is to VENT.

It will pass, she probably thought she was doing good. I'd give it a few days and speak to her about it all when you've had a bit of space.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 26/12/2008 20:35

I agree.

Sometimes you just need to off load.

Thanks for all your support and understanding on the other thread.

Original poster
honestfriend · 26/12/2008 20:38

NAB- no problem- thanks- been there and got that T shirt- it's worn out now!

OP posts:
wintercitylover · 26/12/2008 21:25

Yes honest friend I totally agree with you about needing just someone to listen to you and not provide a solution.

I have one friend in particular who always offers up advice and solutions and the thing is they have been proven to be way off the mark on many occasions.

So much so that I tend to shy away from her a bit.

I have been reading the other thread and do think your advice to NABS was spot on.

Sometimes threads like that on here can provoke a rather unrealistic dogmatic response I find.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 26/12/2008 21:30

What do you mean, wcl?

Original poster
honestfriend · 26/12/2008 21:31

WCL- thanks- i thought I might be slated for suggesting she saw him- still time tho!

OP posts:
lou33 · 26/12/2008 21:34

yes i agree

i had the need to do just this today and got shot down in flames for it

spoiled the whole day for me

Original poster
honestfriend · 26/12/2008 21:37

lou- do what? encourage people to see each other, or vent, or offer advice to a friend?

OP posts:
lou33 · 26/12/2008 21:44

sorry i meant i needed to vent

wintercitylover · 27/12/2008 13:16

sorry been away in bed sweating and coughing!! I have still got this terrible bug which I have had since Monday.

NABS, All I meant was that maybe it is not such bad idea to see that person. But many people think it is absolutely not a good idea. The people who think its a bad idea seem vehement (?) about it whereas those who don't aren't egging anyone on just saying that it might not be.

Sorry I am sort of mixing up the threads here.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 27/12/2008 13:23

I honestly do think it will help to see him.

Flihgtattendant · 27/12/2008 13:41

Well I came on to answer the OP but it's diversified a bit!

newgirl · 27/12/2008 14:06

im a bit lost - but in answer to the op - the thing is a friend is not a professional counsellor - they dont always have the skills to just listen - that is something people really have to learn to do. Cut her a bit of slack - i guess she meant well

solidgoldstuffingballs · 27/12/2008 14:31

NOt having a go at the OP but... Have you often offloaded at her about similar problems or indeed the same problem? Because sometimes having someone ring up and whine and bleat at you and not listen when you offer advice or even get angry at you for offering advice, can be really annoying. Especially if you have had weeks or months or years of the same person ringing up going 'Waaaaaaaaaah! It's/he's/she's/I've done it again!' and never asking how you are.

Basically if/when you need to offload and rant, your best bet is to ring the Samaritans. That;s what they are for (and you don't have to be suicidal). People who are not trained counsellors and who do, after all, have lives and problem of their own, can get very tired of being ullulated at on a regular basis without being allowed any input into the conversation.

lou33 · 27/12/2008 18:48

all you need to do is just stop contact, you dont have to give a reason

lou33 · 27/12/2008 18:59

oh i posted that on the wrong thread, sorry

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