DH is too hands on with DD and its upsetting her

[NotBlackandWhite]

I seem to have the opposite problem to a lot people. My DH really wants to be a part of my DD's life but he's so full on and it is not working out.

He has two kids of his own (aged 7 and 12) and he is very, very involved with their lives and he tries to be the same with my DD but she has not been brought up in such a restrictive manner and she's not used to having an adult breathing down her neck 24/7.

If she has anything going on at school, he insists on being there. He is a parent governer at his own kids schools and at my DD's school. He volunteers for EVERYTHING to do with school, he interferes in school plays etc to ensure his kids (and mine) gets a good part. When his son started football practice, he decided to train as a coach so he could be 'in' on it. His kids are used to it but its really upsetting my daughter. She said her friends take the mick and call him the stalker. He's really strict with the kids also, his son is not allowed to play out. His daughter is not allowed anywhere without him. My daughter was supposed to be going to n under 18s night the friday before christmas and whilst I was at work she checked with him that she could still go and he said no as it 'wasn't the right kind of environment for her', she's 14 but he treats her like a little kid.

I know he cares alot for her, if ever he takes his son to the sea-side he insists she goes with them. She resists for a while but he bribes her with allsorts and she ends up going and comes home all smiles because she's really enjoyed herself. Then he'll say something like "see, whilst your mates are out getting drunk, smoking and getting into trouble, you were having a nice time at the sea-side with your family".

I can see why he's the way he is but she hates it and I feel for her. It must be embarrassing for her?

Hmm my dad was like this, was a school governor, and very controlloing. He was also abusive in various ways with me, my sister and mum, and then his second wife and her children - he did not change, the pattern just continued.

This isn't about caring it is about control.

How much longer will your dd put up with this? When she does finally dig her heels in (which won't be long believe me) will you back her up?

Why are you letting him bribe your DD into doing things she doesn't want to do?

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him.

Also speak to your DD to tell her that you support her, and that you find his behaviour a bit OTT too.

Have you been together long? Do you all live together?

Sorry, just reread OP, and seen it is your DH, not DP, so assume you do all live together.

He is quite controlling, yes.

I'm not sure what to think, I mean saying "my DH has become a school governer, how awful" just seems silly, it feels odd complaining that he's "Too involved" when so many people have the opposite problems with step families.

I will back her up, I did over the christmas under 18s night as I'd previously said she could go.

Reason I posted today was because it all kicked off again over christmas and she's been quite upset today

We've been together about two years, married for one.

There are other things too, I suppose I've been brooding over things today.

Family Conference.

Set down rules for everyone's behaviour, personal choices etc.

NotBlackandWhite

I would ask the same question as HumphreyCushion has posed:-
"Why are you letting him bribe your DD into doing things she doesn't want to do?"

Bet you as well that you're not readily allowed to go out on your own.

He is not "too involved" so much as controlling everyone's movements and is actually a toxic parent (I make no apologies for saying that). Controlling behaviours are abusive in nature. These problems stem from deeply seated anxiety and are often deeply rooted; you cannot fix him nor should you attempt to. Also controllers are quite plausible to the outside world; it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

My guess as well is that he was sweetness and light himself when you met. Then he gradually changed after marriage (as these people cannot hide their true nature indefinately).

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. You need to read that book (there are extracts of it online).

This is not so much about care as it is about control. Also controlling men are often very angry ones as well.

MatNanPlusTINSEL has good advice....

'Set down rules for everyone's behaviour, personal choices etc'.... so everyone knows where they stand and what is expected of them...