anyone been estraged from imlaws and then have the back into their lives again...

[mum2samandalex]

dh parents cut ties years ago.His mum was a control freak and nearly slpit us up. It now seems dh and her may start talking again and im worried about how this will affect us. She hasnt chanhged one bit its just the fact things have been going on for so long

We dont talk to ILs either, more their choice than ours. They have tried to make some sort of contact in an odd and horrible way. They sent horrible letters and texts but we havent responded at all. DH got himself in a stress this morning just talking about them. Its hard! sorry off key alittle but wanted you to know you arent alone.
I would say if he cut her off in the past, i would guess if she starts being a PITA again he wont find it difficult to do it again. Maybe try and start a new
HTH

Hi...
My inlaws cut ties 4 yrs ago...only this year making contact.
To be honest...it was far easier not having them around.
I will let them back into the family...but on my terms....and have declined several get togethers........saying we prefer to be on our own...polite but to the point...but very thankfull of the offers.
After 4 yrs of them crossing the street to avoid...me in particular...there is no way that I will allow them back in to stir up so many emotions and hurt again....
My own family need me sane...and we are the only unit that matters.

i would love to send my ILs a photo of the girls, especially as they sent all the photos back they had, but dh wont let me I know why but want them to know what they are missing out on!

lisad123
They dont deserve you sending photos...if they sent back the earlier ones.
Why does it matter to you so much...what they are missing out on?
You have to be strong...know that its only your unit that matters.
Its their loss....and if they want to get back intouch...then lots of effort needs to be made by them...not you.

lisad123

I would agree fully with isreal's response also. Think your DH is right, look as well at how they have treated you all to date (these people sent previous photos back; just one incident of many). And I reckon as well they've never taken any responsibility for their actions either and blamed you all instead.

You may feel that children "should" have a relationship with their grandparents due to societal convention but your children will not miss out on anything by not having a relationship with their toxic grandparents.

BTW if you've never read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward this is a good publication. Your DH may find "Toxic Parents" by the same author helpful. Toxic people rarely change their tune.

Hiya i know i have read the book and thats why im so scared. We were invited around today and i have the feeling that dh was tempted to go just to end this whole thing but was waiting for my blessing. Weve waiting for an appology or some sort of effort on their part or acknowledgement that they were wrong. I mean they cut out our children too my ds is no older and im worried about him also i dont want him gewtting attached or them manipulating him.It been so easeir without them

This is such a hard situation. I have had no contact with my father (his choice in the end) for almost 4 years - he has only met my dd1.

Also relationship with ils is very tense and difficult. Mil especially very manipulative and cold. She tantrums if we make our own decisions, such as not spending the whole of Christmas with her, and is horrid for weeks on end until she thaws. I predict that in the future we are likely to only have brief duty/meaningless visits to them.

Agree with Attila's post, particularly the bit about societal convention. - she speaks a lot of sense on this issue.

Just wanted to add my support to op, these situations are very stressful.

i feel like dh is putting the pressure on me. He said he would go around but only if we all go around. I know christmas is a time of forgiveness but because its gone on for so long im finding it hard to forgive and forget. I feel like if i tell dh to go make etc im shooting myself in the foot iykwim because i know its going to cause trooble again like i said she hasnt changed as a person. Maybe just maybe she will respect us more and not infere for the fear of losing dh again but thats the risk because maybe once things settle down she will go back to her old ways once shes reeled us in.

I'm intrested in the book 'toxic inlaws', its not a book I could ever read as dh wouldnt be pleased if he saw me reading it but what does it say about non contact with grandparents.

We have no contact woth mil and fil. Mil is a controlling, possessive woman, who takes no responiblity for her actions yet is quick to lay blame at everyones elses door. My parents are dead and I wonder about dd having so little family.

base I feel a little bit like that - i.e. dds having so little family. But then I kind of think that having a mil like mine (similar to yours) doesn't really make up for not having much family. Sometimes one just has to accept that this is the way it is re family/ils and try and make the most of good friends. Some of our closer friends have become like aunts/uncles etc in the true sense of the word.

I haven't read that book btw, but am meaning to. I have read a bit of the book toxic parents and it does seem very realistic imo.