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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just need your support as having terrible day

13 replies

newmummy27 · 25/12/2008 21:35

to sum it up, husband wouldnt come to my dads for xmas dinner today with me and ds (age 1) or to my mums later (mum and dad divorced). he has spent the day alone. i feel very low and our aguing has just caused ds to wake up and husband is out on his own again now. i told him to f**k off. i know i should hve but he has been horrible and called me spolit and all sorts. i am really down and on my own :-(

OP posts:

XmasPud · 25/12/2008 21:37

so sorry you have had an awful day xxxxx

I have no useful advice, but I just wanted to know someone out there is reading this and thinking of you. Hope tomorrow improves. WHy not run yourself a lovely warm bath and try to wind down a little. Plenty of sleep and perhaps tomorrow will feel easier xxxxx

Gorionine · 25/12/2008 21:37

Is he not keen on you parents in general or is it out of character for him?

thatsnotmymonster · 25/12/2008 21:38

((((((((hugs))))))))
why wouldn't dh go to your mum or dad's? Why couldn't you come to a compromise and why has he gone out on his own now? Didn't he want to spend time with his ds on Christmas day?
He sounds very selfish.

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/12/2008 21:48

thanks xmas pud for your thoughts. already had a bath then the argument came afterwards.he always criticises my parents for their divorce. i lived with my dad when my mum left so we are close, been just me and dad today and son and for the first time i could be happy with him and really felt like a mum. i did have v bad PND but i am not as bad now.he has hurt my dad as dad did all the preparations and the table was laid for 3 and then my mum came on crying and was awful to me. i would have loved someone to show they cared give me a hug or even a touch on the arm or something.. but nothing.my husband doesnt really have a character, i find him very draining to be around, no personaility just incredbly quiet. he doesnt understnd how i feel or even want to. it hurts..

OP posts:

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/12/2008 21:49

he hasnt come near me since birth of son and sleeps in the spare room every night

OP posts:

Gorionine · 25/12/2008 21:58

Could he be depressed as well?
I am sorry that you had to go through this day feeling like this, I hope after all the festive season it will get much better for you. I know that some people find very hard to have to be "happy on demand" because it is Christmas and maybe it is more than what he can cope with at the moment. It is strange that he did not make more of an effort for you and your DS.

ELMOchristmascountdown · 25/12/2008 22:38

newmummy - your not alone. i foolishly agreed to let dp come here for xmas for the sake of xmas as his family had been begging me.

he was nothing but an arse all day. i cracked up in afternoon and threw him out. i felt bad as i knew he had no where to go. so invited him for dinner. he acceoted to come round at 5pm. then he called me at 5.10pm to say he had already eaten at his friends and wasn't coming to see kids or help put them to bed.

i feel really

i had to even call him in morning to get him to come over and see them and join us for xmas lunch. dont think he had any intention of contacting us anytime until about an hr before kids bedtime.

he turned up just before lunch and never brought as much as a card, never mind a present. ate dinner then fell asleep on couch while i put baby to nap. when i asked him to help ds open present as he's just a toddler and struggles he said "i cant be bothered" and went back to sleep.

just to let you know your not only one with oh ruining your day.

i gave mines the choice of staying here tonight and sorting things through (i kicked him out last tues and he's been desperate to stay every night since)

but he decided he's rather go see his friend play the accordian.

and he is drink driving.

i'm in 2 minds to report him but i cant remember his registration plate number.

Original poster

newmummy27 · 25/12/2008 22:57

well, my husband came back, the arguing started and now he is gone AGAIN.he is pushing me too far. i am so sad. he is desperate. god no-one deserves this do they? I am at work in the morning.

OP posts:

ELMOchristmascountdown · 25/12/2008 22:59

poor you with work in morning. you might feel a bit better if you get decent kip and straight to work without an arguement.

faithandhope · 25/12/2008 23:44

How are you newmummy?

TisTheSeasonToBeSolo · 26/12/2008 01:28

It's horrible isn't it? My day started with a massive row(our first)on the phone this morning. It makes the whole deal shit doesn't it? I hope things improve. Kind

Judy1234 · 26/12/2008 01:37

May be see how things are afer Christmas and then go to see Relate or other marriae guidance perhaps on your own at first. He sounds dreadful but may be that's just because you've had PND and haven't been very nice to him. Always hard to tell.

I had an email from my sister saying she'd had the worst Christmas ever (which is horrible for her but mine has been lovely which I played down). One of my older children (22 years) was talking to me this morning about the dreadful time we always had with their father at Christmas. Much better now. Some people just are not good partners/parents to be around.

breakfastinbed · 26/12/2008 02:13

Thinking of you NewMummy and Elmo. How horrible for you both (and for everyone in this kind of situation).

Christmas is such a dangerous time: People are thrown into situations they wouldn't necessarily choose; people are expected to perform in a certain (cheery) way; and i think most potent of all, so many of us are sentimentally attached to a romantic fantasy of a happy christmas remembered from childhood or absorbed from movies. -As an adult it can never live up to these fantasies. And so then everyone gets grumpy or depressed.

Obviously your situation is more enduring and complicated, but i don't suppose it helps. Certainly sounds as though he is bringing baggage of his own to this. -Calling you spoilt and criticising your parents relationship suggests to me that he has issues of his own which prevent him from just getting on with the day and letting you be.

You're probably right that your husband doesn't understand how you feel. You have been through this incredible and overwhelming physical and emotional experience and he may feel that he is incapable of understanding. -And he may not like that feeling. Is it possible he is shutting down rather than face his inadequacy and that explains his unresponsiveness? It is so common for men to be (or appear) far less emotional than women. Personally i have finally decided that i simply need other women to fill that role, and then i can relax a bit and appreciate DP for the good bits.

Brilliant that you had that moment of feeling like a mum. I know it can be so hard when that feeling doesn't come. I hope you can hang on to that achievement and that pleasure.

Elmo you sound like you've put up with a hell of a lot in the name of christmas and you've been severely let down. Poor you ((hugs)).

(Sorry for long post

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