Ex friend - what to do.

[TheSeriousSanta]

I have a friend, or might be better described as Ex friend.

We were close for YEARS and then, out of the blue around 3 years ago, she told me she'd been having an affair for 10 years. I was hurt (as I'd previously asked her directly about this and she'd denied it). But, we moved past it and all was OK.

I went through a pretty bad time with DH and she couldn't do more to help, but since DH and I have sorted things out, she's been distance to the point of non-existant.

She hasn't seen DH since we've been married and has never met my DS (now 7 months old)

About 2 months ago, I asked (very directly) if there was a problem and she said no, not at all, she'd give me a ring in the next week to explain.

1 month went by and nothing, so I decided I'd had enough... (all this time, I'd been sending her regular texts and e-mails etc) so I deleted her number etc., and cancelled her FB friendship...

Today, I recieve (via FB) a message from her, wishing me and DS a happy Christmas and wondering what I'm doing for the next few weeks as she'd like to come and see me (she has promised this SOOOOOO many times and it's NEVER come off)

I can't believe she hasn't noticed I've cancelled her friendship.

Really wondering what to do... She never aswers my texts or e-mails promptly, though I usually reply quickly, but I can't bring myself to reply to this one.

On one hand, I'd love her friendship back, but on the other hand, it just seems a little contrived that I get this lovely message now, and it feels (to some extent) that maybe she just wants me back in my box (like, her friend, who she gets to mess about but is always there)

Am I BU? should I reply? and if so, say what?

Thanks

Could you meet up with her to gauge the friendship? What did she want to "explain"?

This sort of thing happened to me, involving a very old and dear friend.

Our friendship has never really recovered to the same level but we're in each other's lives and she makes more effort than she used to.

She doesn't want to explain anything. She's acting like she hasn't even noticed I've cancelled the FB frienship.

I am worried that, if I do reply, I'll just be stuck in the rut before, when she never ACTUALLY meets up with me, just promises she will.

Okay, totally off the cuff but my first thought was that she was having an affair with your husband back when things were bad! Then you got back with him and she stepped out of the picture.

Any chance of that?

This actually happened to me, my closest friend was friends with my boyfriend When we broke up, she was such a good friend. She'd call him for me to get him to talk about me, let me listen in, etc.(Okay, it was in high school but still.)

A few months later we got back together and she sorta disappeared. I found out later that she'd been casually sleeping with him during the "break."

You said you can't bring yourself to answer her message. That tells me you're done with the friendship. Don't know what to tell you - I've been in that situation and when I couldn't bring myself to reply anymore I knew I was done and it was time to let the friendship go. I still think of the friend this happened with, and we were pretty close, but I can't come back from having reached that point... if that's how you feel, you may just have to let it go. If she phones you and you choose to answer the phone and she asks why you've not contacted her, tell her how you feel - you're tired of being jerked around. Your baby is 7 months old and she hasn't met him FFS!! What could possibly be a reasonable excuse for that?? There is no good answer she can give except a sincere apology - that would be nice but even that might not change how you feel.
for you - good luck!

I will out myself as a complete softie first.

It depends on how special the friendship is to you, if it was a special friendship then I would start again with her.

There may be a reason why she has not seen you, does she have issues about children, maybe she can't have any.

It depends- has she always blown hot and cold like this? How much do you really like her?

Is she at a loose end over the hols and is trying to make contact with old friends? Are you being used?

If it were me, I think I'd be fairly casual and say sure, let's meet- but then leave it all up to her and not hold out too many hopes of it ever coming to anything.

That way, the door is left open and you aren't investing too much emotion.

seems a bit mean to remove her friendship from facebook, or whatever you did.
rise above that and try not to put so much at stake in this friendship.

She probably hasn't noticed that you deleted her off FB - people don't get a notification when you do this.

I think HonestFriend has summed up how I actually feel... I DO feel that she has most likely contacted me because SHE is at a loose end...

I am feeling a bit mean for deleting her friendship, but this was weeks after pretty much BEGGING her to get in touch, and she kept saying 'oh, yea, I'll give you a call, I'm just a bit busy' (AKA: I have a man on the go)

ANd, to whoever said: Absolutely 100% def. NO way she and DH would get together. They dislike each other quite a bit... I do think that THAT plus my DS are probably the main reasons she's not too keen on me.. I think she'd have prefered if I'd ended up single and childless IYSWIM...

Anyway, I have sent a nice note wishing her a lovely CHristmas and signed it love from me and DS....

THanks, TSS