hey, i'm in exactly the same boat as you. my dad died 3 years ago and he was an alcoholic, and i loved him dearly. he was a friend and a hero to me, and despite his own problems he was a very gregarious and warm man with a big personality. my mother is like yours, martyrish, critical, and brings everybody down with her, although she feels she isn't. i cannot relax around her, as i feel that shes sitting there like a hawk watching, waiting to criticise, and like yours, she goes on constantly about having no reason to go on, and life being empty etc etc. i am my father's daughter and now in a sense i feel i've been left with this person with whom i have very little in common. i can't offer you any advice, only empathy, because i know how it feels.
i've not "got over" my fathers death; you never can. but a lot of the time i feel okay and i'm happy enough and on an even keel. then i have her there, going on, listenin to depressing songs, crying, going on about how she cant carry on and theres no point to life, and saying things like " yeah- but i've lost my husband- its not the same!" although my dad's death hurts me everyday. like you, i feel that i was never allowed to grieve, as although it was the biggest loss imaginable to me at 22, it was overshadowed by "look at your mother, help your mother," telling my brother at 18 "he's in charge now".
i want to be happy, but i feel guilty if i am, but part of me just thinks "oh go away and leave me alone!" my mum has nothing to do except work, and any attempt she makes to socialise or do anything she rebuffs with "oh its not the same as when your dad was alive, theres no point..." every invite she gets she says its just "for the sake of it" i feel like shouting at her " it won't be- he's dead, hes been dead for three years, hes not coming back! accept it!" but she seems to be unable to accept that this is her life, and i feel guilty for wanting to move out away from her because she'll be on her own.
i worry she'll end up like my grandmother, who never really ever made a life for herself after my grandads death, instead spent most of her days sitting in the dark, and not mixing with other people. i guess part of what we feel is selfish, but i think that's okay too. we've been through a lot of pain and i think that it should be alright to smile, to say he was who he was and i've dealt with that.
Part of the problem i have with my mum is like you say; she seems to have a denial of the effects of living with somebody like that. she often criticises me and my sister because of the way we are, when i know, its not "just us" and our failings, its because of the way we've been raised. my mum has this "ideal" which she constantly calls "the way it should be", and if we fall short of this, we are failures. we are good kids, we don't do anything wrong, we cause no trouble, but she twists things around all the time to be a "burden" or "a worry", even positive things like moving in with a partner or going to college. my brother is sick of her negativity, as every time he attempts to get out of his minimum wage job, she criticises whatever he does, and says that my masters degree is "another wasted year" and sees it as "me getting deeper and deeper into debt for a silly bit of paper", and called me a "fool" for wanting to try for a phd. and instead cites examples of people my age who are managers or who earn thousands a year and own fancy cars. like you, although i have professional experience with children, she constantly doubts my ability to do anything child related or to be a good mother. she often shouts at me and my siblings because anything physical is awkward. and calls us "weirdos" or "odd". we are also prone to what she calls "being overly aggressive" but i know that this is because the language in our house has always been one of shouting and arguing to get your point across. but she doesnt seem to realise what effect its had on us. she keeps shrugging it off, saying "oh its not like you were beaten or anything" but as i've got older, ive come to realise that all 3 of my siblings are kind of "behind" in life, none of us are married, we're all 3 of us at home, we've all had troubled relationships, we are in low pay jobs, and i feel like since my fathers death, shes kind of turned around and started pointing the finger at us for not being what she calls "sorted" then moans about what failures we are as children.
i don't know how to deal with your or my situation, because i'm trapped in it. in many senses i feel cheated because i felt that maybe when i grew up, itd be all okay and settled. my dad was getting better with drinking before he died, i had moved out. now after his death, i've got another set of problems and i don't know what to do or say to my mum. i know she'll never remarry- she is religious and the idea of "going out with a man after youve lost your husband" fills her with horror, and criticises others for dating after theyve lost a husband and wife. but she cant carry on like this and nor can my siblings. i hope your christmas was okay and you found peace. x