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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what do I do now?

20 replies

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:11

Hi, I'm new and have just blown my life out of the window! Briefly, dh and I have not been getting on for years. We have 2 dcs, 14 and 10. Christmas is always an issue. Lost my mum this year, she always came to us for Christmas day. His parent live 200 miles away and are old. Neither of us has siblings. So this year we are going there for Christmas. Except I always have problems going there. So last night I flipped and after a long walk in the rain came home, drank too much (not unusual) and said I'm not coming there. He and I have nothing in common any more. Christmas will be horrendous. Ok so I handled it badly. He's hardly spoken to me today, except to ask if he's right in assuming I'm not coming. The kids are upset with me and very hurt. And it looks as if I'll be home alone for Christmas. I have clearly sunk back into the depths of depression and true to form dh can't handle it so turns his back until its gone away (only I don't think it will this time), then carries on as if nothing has happened. Do I let him take dcs and stay here? Do I take a few bottles and go along and try not to cause trouble? He won't entertain not going to his parents. OMG this looks bad, I've never made a thread before and I'm really scared of where this will all end up. Please someone help?

OP posts:

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 23/12/2008 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:19

thanks korma - i wasnt sure anyone would reply at this time. I know you are right but its very scarey.

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trumpetgirl · 23/12/2008 00:28

Sounds like your having a hard time of it. Sorry for the loss of your Mum. I'm sure Christmas without her just won't seem right, but you have to keep going for your DCs.
I can understand you feeling depressed. You will come through it, however hard it feels now. Nothing will ever be the same, but life does go on whether you like it or not. One day you will feel somewhat better and you need to work towards that day.
I don't think you should be drinking. It is always the first thing I want to do whenever I feel down. I think it will help, but it has the opposite effect and ultimately makes everything worse. I also think that you should not be on your own, as you will only feel more depressed.
In laws are annoying. Nothing you can do about it. As I said, I don't think you should be alone and I think you should go for your DCs sake. Can you really imagine missing Christmas with them?
I think you need to concentrate on getting through this time the best you can, and start talking to your DH next year.
Good luck

blinks · 23/12/2008 00:30

sounds like you're self medicating.

what are you so scared of?

sb6699 · 23/12/2008 00:33

Sorry for the loss of your mum - imagine Christmas will be esp difficult for you this year.

For the sake of your dc's I would go along to dh's parents for Christmas and just do your best to get through it.

As korma said, make an appointment with your gp re help with your drinking/depression and make it your new year's resolution to try and sort things either way re your dh - have you thought about counselling, seems things haven't been right for a while.

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:38

Can't imagine Christmas without dcs but can't face it with dh and his - what's the short-code? Talking is what he just can't do. That's part of the problem. And he doesn't understand emotions. So the fact that I'm find it all so difficult at this time of year just makes him step back. he doesn't want to be involved. What am I scared of? That this is the end of our marriage.

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Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:39

So, GP it is tomorrow. Not sure about counselling - it's not something I think I'd feel comfortable with.

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blinks · 23/12/2008 00:48

what's the (honest) situation with the drinking?

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:49

Too much. For some time now.

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blinks · 23/12/2008 00:51

ever spoken to someone about it?

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:53

No. Regular drinking, wine every night. Not normally to excess. We know it's there, but it remains unspoken.

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trumpetgirl · 23/12/2008 00:55

GP is a good plan. I go and see my GP as and when I need it. She knows I don't want anti-depressents and she just has a bit of a chat with me on a weekly basis until I feel able to cope again.
I think that you may be worrying about your dh's dps too much. It probably won't be as bad as you think it'll be. Worrying about things can blow them all out of proportion.
If you and your dp can't talk, I think you should ask your GP about marriage counselling. You will both have to communicate and it might be easier to do so with someone there to mediate and encourage discussion between you.

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 00:59

Not sure my GP has time for a chat. But yes, maybe I need anti-depressants again. I was doing so well without them as well, but things do seem to have slid downhill. Marriage counselling sounds so scarey. Not sure how dh will react, or even how I feel.

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Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 01:02

I really have to go to bed now. Thank you all for your input - I'll come back tomorrow, when dd lets me back on the computer! Hope I can find the thread. Have marked it to watch so assume that when I log back in it will still be there? Hope I will have managed an appointment with GP as well. Progress.

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trumpetgirl · 23/12/2008 01:12

I'm not sure how my GP has time for a chat, but she's the third one that I've had (in different counties as well) that see me come in, not really knowing what to do or what I want or how to cope generally, and I just end up chatting for a while. I assume that's why appointments are always running about half an hour late by lunchtime!
I have never had marriage counselling (or a marriage for that matter) but I know people who have ended up doing it as a last resort. If you can't communicate between the two of you, you sound as if you need some help. It won't necessarily save your marriage, but will at least put you both in a position where you can listen to how the other one feels and you can then decide where you want to go with your relationship, if you want to continue it at all.
You can't bury your head in the sand. It won't just go away. You need to do something, and if this is the only option, why not give it a go?

HolyGuacamole · 23/12/2008 09:20

Do you think your DH would react better if he can see that you are going to make effort to sort yourself out? Would he be willing to support you if he thinks you are serious about getting help?

What about if you can get him to stop for 5 minutes just to listen to you, get it all out. Tell him how you feel about your mum and esp given the time of year, you are finding it hard to cope, you are sorry that this period of time is so hard and that you would like his input to give you direction to start sorting it all out.

Sometimes our upset displays itself as anger and is misunderstood, instead of crying and talking about our true feelings, we shout or drink or descend into silence, bottling it all up.

Do what you need to do, this is your chance and you must grasp it. Writing here has been your first step and if you can do that, then you can fix this, you just have to believe it and take action

Good luck

Original poster

lostwoman · 23/12/2008 14:54

I'm back. Wow. I can't believe how starting this thread has helped. OK, so I've seen GP, cashed in my presecription and it's time to start popping those little pills again. Wouldn't have gone this side of Christmas without the push. Thanks all of you. I've been to the shops and got pressies for dcs and also for dh! Feels good. (and a little treat for me ). Next step's harder. He's being his cold self, acting as if everything is normal. No hug. No we'll get through it. It's like we do everything in parallel, rather than together. Does that make sense?

What you all say is so obvious really, deep down inside I know your comments are the way forward, it's just that seeing it in black and white makes it more real.

Guacamole - how right you are "Sometimes our upset displays itself as anger and is misunderstood, instead of crying and talking about our true feelings, we shout or drink or descend into silence, bottling it all up." That's where I've been going. Off to reassess how I express myself.

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HolyGuacamole · 23/12/2008 15:31

Am really glad you are sounding so positive, what a change from last night huh! I am sure you will get it all sorted and have a really nice and lovely Christmas

Best of luck with DH

blinks · 23/12/2008 23:49

great... don't be ashamed to ask for help with the drinking if it's an issue.

Original poster

lostwoman · 24/12/2008 10:26

You are alllll sooooo kind! Couldn't come back last night - long discussion, fairly positive outcome. And how long does it take to wrap presents??? Was up until 2am and nerly forgot to wrap dh pressies. Was too tired to log on at 2am. So, I'm going up to his folks (can't wait to get home again . I'll let you all know how it goes (may have to have a big winge if that's ok). Blinks, you are right to feel concerned about the drinking, although I think it's still an issue I can deal with myself.

Felt a bit sick from the little pill yesterday - a side effect I could do without. Still, might stop me eating too much!

I have to go now or might get left behind after all. Thanks all of you so much, without you things might have been quite different. Hope you all have a lovely and peaceful Christmas with all the pressies you desire. Keep warm and safe. Lots of hugs and love from me.

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