Feel oppressed and resentful at DH's moods

[dottyjones]

I'm a newbie - beem wanting to post on for ages, but have always chickened out. DH as lovely as he can be, suffers from undiagnosed OCD, and can also be very difficult to live with.

All it takes is for me to make a flippant, slightly naggy remark - i.e. I exclaimed that the washing wasn't put on, or I don't ask him how he's feeling often enough, it can often lead to him getting very depressed and not talking.

I try to make it up with him quickly by apologising profusely, but sometimes when I'm feeling emotionally drained myself, saying sorry all the time makes me lose my temper as well and the argument can last for hours.

Without going into too much detail, he's not horrible, he does have a sense of humour and we do have a lot of happy times. But he is very demanding emotionally and I usually fail to live up to his expectations of me. Sometimes I want to run away, but we have a lovely little happy dd and I know the situation is not that bad. But I do feel so trapped and oppressed sometimes.

Just wondered if anyone else lives with someone like my dh and how they cope?

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I use taurine for alzheimers clients and OCD sufferers with some success, may be worth looking up a herbalist near to you and seeing if this will help your DH and his OCD???

www.stuckinadoorway.org/forums/showthread.php?t=23163

not sure what that link I posted above is for??? try this one

If you act all contrite and worried around him when he is grumpy you are actually encouraging him to be even more moody.
If he is like this, so be it, but don't get involved.

Go about your business cheerfully or better still get out of eyeshot and eashot then all dramatic sulking is wasted.

It doesn't quite work like that. I have tried ignoring it in the past, but it does make him even worse.

Although he knows he suffers from an obsessive disorder, if I raise the issue with him and suggest medical help, that's like a red flag to a bull.

He says he knows when he'll seek help, and for the time being me giving him lots of massages and attention is the answer. I don't mind doing that, anything to alleviate his stress.

What gets me is the constant tiptoeing around him - not being able to express a different opinion, feeling resentful of the way he dominates my life and decisions so much (long story). Saying something seemingly innoculous (banter's a complete no-no in this relationship) and it spiralling out into an exhausting emotional argument. The arguments are never verbally abusive, except at their v worst, but they do involve lots of emotive criticism.

Childish I know, but I often stick two fingers up at him behind my back when he's having one of his 'you must think of me more' speeches. And then when we make up, I v guilty for doing it in the first place. But it's like a valve that stops me from imploding. He's v black and white. I can't explain my actions as 'I'm defending myself' - he's the injured party and he can't put up with another person's side of the story.

To be fair, after an argument he does recognise his part in it and apologises.

I shouldn't go on. But no-one knows about this and I haven't been able to tell anyone either. We did nearly break up about it 6 years ago, but things got much better. But the last year, due to lots of reasons, it has been getting worse. And of course we now have a little girl, so I can't just simply 'take a break' away from him.

Sadly, this is the sort of situation that can escalate into abuse; it's bordering on it already and certainly unhealthy. You are both basically operating on the principle that his feelings matter and yours don't, and that it's your job to manage his bad temper by being subservient and indulging him. SO he says that if you give him 'lots of massages and attention' you'll get your doggy treat reward of him behaving civilly to you for a while? I'm surprised he hasn't just said 'Look, shut up and suck my dick, bitch, I'm not interested in your opinion.' Because that's what he means.

abuse cycle

Hi. It's a different situation really, because my DH has depression, but there are some similarities. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I can say something that I think is pretty innocuous and he'll really go off on one, or sink into a deep sulk for the rest of the day. It does become incredibly draining and I sympathise with you very much.

He was not like this when I met him, he seems to have deteriorated over the years - I know much of it is because we have no money and it stresses him out. Recently he seems to have lost all motivation, and I feel like I'm nagging him all the time. I've actually come close to walking out a couple of times, but then it blows over. I do love him. We do still have good times, and when he's having a good spell he is still the man I married. And despite everything he is a fantastic dad - he never ever lets his state of mind affect DS, and I respect him for that.

But oh I do wish he could get over this. He is already on ADs and I know the doctor is concerned about his state of mind and health, as am I.

There is no advice in there at all, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. You cope as well as I do I expect - you have to, don't you.

traumatic bonding

signs of emotional abuse

How old are your children? Do you think it's good for them to see their mother oppressed and resentful?

Of course he was not like this when you met him. How would these people ever get a partner if they behaved in this manner on the first date? Do they work? Do they treat their colleagues like this?

Of course they are nice sometimes...otherwise you would have run away long ago. The nice bit keeps you hooked in, in the desperate hope that the man you married will come back some day.

I am sorry to post this, but they have all read the same book. Thing is though...some of us have read it too...and we can see them a mile off.

Sorry for you both. But been there got the t-shirt.

Now I'm regretting posting actually. This thread is about the OP. I've read some of the links and I could read into them that I am the one doing the abusing (God forbid!). I am the main breadwinner, and concern over our finances leads me to keep a tight grip on the pursestrings. I also know I can be pretty demanding emotionally. I know DH feels completely disempowered and I think his illness is preventing him from getting on and helping himself.

Thanks for the thoughts but no one needs to feel sorry for me - I'm happy enough. Please, keep any advice for the OP and forget I posted.

Twinkle, I think it's nice to share experiences though. My DP currently seems depressed, though I've yet to get him to admit that. We are planning to start couples counselling in the new year. There are a lot of similarities between my life and the OP, so I'm watching this thread with interest.

I think that the more one learns about all kinds of abuse, the more it seems that we all behave in ways that could, perhaps, be linked to abuse. I think the difference is like the difference between OCD and naturally wondering if you have left the gas on. I mean, we are all OCD to some extent, on a sliding scale. We all do things that are perhaps mean or controlling at times, after all we're human. Abuse is different, it's when it steps over a certain line. Seems like a lot of woman on here (including myself) have trouble deciding where that line is. Perhaps it's different for each couple? I don't know. Maybe there are some behaviors that are just not acceptable no matter what the situation.

OP, I think your DH is straying into that territory. Observe how you are around him, notice each time you swallow down an opinion or remark because you're scared he'll blow up or sulk. Then have a think about whether being scared or apprehensive for that amount of time is acceptable for you. I know it isn't for me, I'm officially sick of it. That's why I'm reaching a make or break point with my partner. I'm SO tired of walking on eggshells.
Good luck with him x

I think the major red flag that this is heading towards an abusive relationship is when the moaning, whining, sulking partner blames the other partner for his/her sulks.
No one is wholly responsible for another person's feelings. And it's funny how the 'depression' of abusive partners can always be alleviated, not by medication or counselling, but by the unquestioning subservience of their partner.

What is his obsessive compulsion? How does this impact on his (and your) daily life?

What you describe doesnt sound like OCD to me - just spoilt and egocentric and quite childish.

He is playing power games. I think you should stop with all the reassurance and emotional (and physical!) stroking. He needs to take responsibility for sorting himself out and as long as you are there to make things better, then why should he, cos he is getting things all his own way.

you DONT have to cope with his "illness" - it is his responsibility...

been there done that...the walking on eggshells. the behaving in a certain way so as not to provoke him...eg making sure not to buy the wrong kind of washing up liquid etc...blaming his depression/mental health state etc..

READ the lundy bancroft book - not all of it will appply but enough will.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - 1 Sep 2003)
amazon - £6.27

you cannot change his behaviour - only HE can do that - but you CAN and must change your reactions aand your behaviour towards him. start treating him like the small child he is behaving like and dont give in to his tantrums.

he may well get even more stroppy - and is hard...but you deserve better than this from someone. we all do....

start keeping a log/diary of what he says to you and how you respond - you may need it in future.

leaving is hard...and he wont quietly say oh i understand... but for how many years will you put up with this?

i thought "oh i will put up, wait til kids are grown up etc, better to ahve their dad at home....." . i was making excuses....i am so glad i have made the move away, even tho it has been soo difficult and he has continued to ask me to mother him and his "depression".

i had fortunately friends who kept repeating to me "you are not responsible for his behaviour" and the message got thru...