Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

help

17 replies

onthefloor · 20/12/2008 23:03

I feel as though I'm about to crumble. DH left 6 months ago when dd 22 months and ds 3 months. He'd been having an affair since I was pregnant and told me he doesn't love me anymore, its no fun, I'm hell to live with, can't be spontaneous because of children etc etc. All my fault basically. Fell apart but thought i was getting better. For a couple of weeks I've been feeling so down, sobbing my heart out, not holding it together. ex wants me to sell our house which terrifies me even though rationally i don't think I will have to and Christmas making me feel terrible. Not seriously thinking about it as love my DC more than the world and would never leave them but keeping having flashes of thinking about not being here anymore. Everyone keeps telling me i'm strong and I'm doing great but I don't think I am.

OP posts:

leoemma · 20/12/2008 23:07

You are doing great, you are on here and asking for help and advice. You are doing the best thing you can and concentrating on your kids, Is there anyone nearyby who you can talk to?

beanieb · 20/12/2008 23:15

Oh - you poor thing. You say he wants to sell the house, have you seen a solicitor? I found being pro-active and making decisions about what to do was really helpful.

Even if you are unable to get some legal advice right now, try to enjoy christmas and be determined to seek the advice once it's the new year.

Do you have family nearby?

scrooged · 20/12/2008 23:23

What a crap time you have been having. Don't sell the house or move out though, it is your and your children's home. He sounds like a complete tosser, trying to blame you for the way things have turned out because he can't face up to what he's done. It takes so much time to get over a betrayal like this. You're grieving for the relationship you had, you are allowed to do this. It's a bad time that you are going through at the moment but it will get better, I promise you this. You have to stay strong and believe this.

Christmas is just another day. There are so many people out there who feel the same way as you are feeling now but the TV's don't show this. I'm a single mum too. Ds's dad walked out when I was pregnant so I have brought him up myself. It does get better. Don't waste your life thinking about this tosser. You don't deserve to be treated this way so don't let him make you feel so bad.

Stay strong. Your children need this. You can show them what a lovely, strong woman you are. You are their role model and they will love you to bits because you are their mum.

Original poster

onthefloor · 20/12/2008 23:30

I am trying to stay strong but i don't think i have the energy left. I don't want to burden anyone with how i feel. It would only make my family worry more if they knew the truth. I feel like i'm acting all the time, pretending I'm ok when really I'm not.

OP posts:

blinks · 20/12/2008 23:35

if you were outside looking in you would be saying 'what a lucky escape... any man who could behave so despicably doesn't deserve your tears' but it's never so easy when it's happening to you.

fuck him for treating you this way.

hopefully after the utter sadness that you must be feeling now subsides (and it will) you will realise that this period of trauma was the end of something but also the beginning of a new episode where you aren't cheated on by the person who should be there for you and your children when you are your most vulnerable.

focus on just getting through this and make use of any support you have.

to NOT feel utterly awful and pushed to the limit in this situation, when things are still raw and ongoing, would be weird. be kind to yourself...

scrooged · 20/12/2008 23:36

They are your family and they love you. They would want to know that you are feeling so low. I bet they would be so upset that you didn't go to them.

Have you been to see your GP? You may have some post natal depression. You are having such a hard time at the moment and your hormones must be all over the place. You do need some support.

blinks · 20/12/2008 23:36

life's too short to pretend and 'hold things together'- trust your family enough to let them support you.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 20/12/2008 23:39

They are probably worried about you anyway. Worried that its worse than you let on and that your not talking to anyone. Worried that you spend your night crying. Hoe can telling them be worse??? If in 20/30 years your DCs were going through this you'd want to be the first one they called right? Please speak to someone. Let it all out. Cry. Then you can start deciding what to do. Sating things out loud does help.

You can do it x

thumbElf · 20/12/2008 23:42

onthefloor, you must let your family help you if they can - how crap are they going to feel if you continue suffering past endurance without telling them? They'll feel like they've let you down, that you didn't think they were worth telling etc etc.
Not to put any pressure on you, but families are able to take a lot more than you think and they might be able to help take the strain off you a bit. Let them help you! it will make them feel worthy and wanted and useful.

I am going on past personal experience here - when my ex dumped me 3 months prior to wedding, the one person I didn't talk to about it was my sister because she had been through a similar experience previously - she was so hurt and thought that I didn't think she was worth talking to, even though she had relevant experience that might have been helpful to me.

So for you - your ex sounds like a complete shit. I'm sure you won't have to sell the family home; you have 2 DCn to bring up after all. What a tosser.

(((hugs))) for you

Original poster

onthefloor · 20/12/2008 23:56

i'm also worried if I really let it all go that I won't be able to pull myself back together again. I've made an appointment at the GP next week but I don't know whether to go or not. I don't know what they can do to help really, I don't want drugs.

OP posts:

scrooged · 20/12/2008 23:59

You do need to go. It sounds like you have some PND as well as stress due to an arsehole so please do go. The anti depressants will help in the short term until you find your feet. There's no shame in this. They do really help. Depression is just a chemical imbalance, all they do is make them balance again. Once you have done this then you can face the tosspot.

Please do tell your family. They do love you and would want to know.

blinks · 21/12/2008 00:00

GP can arrange counselling- often someone can come to your house... someone i know had home visits.

thumbElf · 21/12/2008 00:03

what scrooged said - short term ADs can be just enough to hold you together until you can start to take control again, instead of allowing the downward spiral to continue. As soon as you feel able to, you can come off them again. Lots of people take ADs on this principle.

Do you still have a HV you can talk to? sometimes they can be quite helpful.

Original poster

onthefloor · 21/12/2008 00:14

I don't know what to do anymore. Want to get it together for the kids. I know dd is starting to notice I'm not happy, don't want her to be affected any more than she has to be. I really had started to feel a lot better but its all crashing in on me again. maybe will see the doc and see what he says.

OP posts:

Original poster

onthefloor · 21/12/2008 00:14

OP posts:

scrooged · 21/12/2008 00:18

You have to start somewhere. The GP's a fantastic place to go to second, after your family.

It will work out. Don't give up hope.

thumbElf · 21/12/2008 00:30

you have started by asking for help on here.
Your next step is to ask your GP for help.
And then, if you can face it, ask your family for help too - they are probably more worried because they don't know what to do. Let them help you.

Flip