Like I havent had the hardest of weeks already

[messarama]

with flu for the last 11 days one after the other, dh for a change started having a go at me this morning about never being organised and leaving everything to the last minute :

dd'1 friends party tomorrow and party girl needs a present & card.
Holiday on Friday and we haven't packed yet
Family gathering for Chanukah and none of our part of it cooked yet.

and other than that , I dont know why he had to be so hurtful. Ive been up night after night tending to both my girls and being ill myself. Ive lost my voice and I feel so drained I cant do much. Despite this , Ive fed and bathed and nursd my girls , Ive cooked nice dinners and also tidied bedrooms and washed linen and changed linen. This is me not being organised!

It enraged me and I lashed out (really hurt my finger in process and the index tip is all swollen), but he pushed my every last ounce of any containing.

For those who dont know much of my situation I have a thread from last year about it.

Im so hurt and low from the flu , I cant sop crying.

messarama - I don't know any of background but couldn't let your post pass unanswered - it does sound a bit harsh if you've been ill (and are therefore likel to be particularly sensitive to say this).

thank you holly

He said Im ill as I havent left the house for most of this time , but what does he want from me and the girls? Im not ill because of being home , Im home because of being ill, exausted and worn out from the last 9days.

When the dd's are ill at the same time it realy takes it out of you. Even a childless freind of mine spent 6days in bed with it, what chance did I have being up night after night with my girls.

messarama,

I have read your previous thread from last year. I don't think you really wanted to take in what was being said then. This is in no way a healthy functioning and workable relationship besides which what are your children learning from the two of you?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Someone now needs to consider their emotional welfare because you're both imparting damaging lessons to them.

Its hard work being a martyr. You are NO further on from where you were a year ago and your H is still acting the same with your responses being the same. You're caught up in this merry go round of misery and emotional abuse on his part and your children are likely now also suffering as a result of seeing the two of you fighting your private war against each other.

Why are you both still together, what are you trying to prove?. Someone will snap eventually and that someone will be you.

OK so your into the tough love camp , so be it. NO may be we havent or I havent moved on ,but sometimes we need some help and support and I feel alone and fearful.

Ive been trying to sort out therapy for myself, but it didnt work out to be the right thing and Ive organised something else starting in mid Jan(psychodynamic/anger). In the last year Ive trained in a new area for work and will be using that in something also starting in Jan.

From one post , at the end of a long long and tough week, I feel Im being judged unfairly and a bit unkindly considering. Rome wasnt built in a day and Im doing what I can outside this house to sort myself out.

I know I'm on the merry go round , I know full well its hurting all of us. What do I do , ask him to leave? I am no way leaving this house myself with 2 children. As I said Im organised with therapy in Jan. Im in no place to do this on my own with 2 very young children. I dont have much physical support from anyone.

So youre saying this relationship is for the shit heap?

and what do I do when my kids are crying, ill and upset during the night and he doesnt get up??? Leave them?

messarama,

You give him a nudge and tell him its his turn to see to the children. After all you are ill yourself. Why doesn't he get up anyway, he was partly responsible in procreating these children. Why is it always down to you to do seemingly everything in the house along with the childcare?. What does he exactly do of a day?.

But you're still there with this man and you haven't moved on. You say as much yourself, you're stuck.

You need help and support certainly but therapies won't help you when it is HE who has the problems?. You're just facilitating his crap behaviour currently, you're enabling it to continue. Removing you and your chidlren from the situation will give him far less power; abuse in all its forms is all about power and control.

What is the root cause of your fear?. Most likely him, your H. Whatever you give him, its not enough. Its never enough for these people. You'd likely be a lot happier all round without him in your day to day life, your body is physically saying enough!!. He has made you ill.

What is in this relationship for you?. You must be getting something out of it for you to continue to stay in this dysfunctional relationship.

And what are your daughters learning about life and love here?. They need consideration as well, it is no longer about you two. How would you feel if ultimately your children picked a partner like your H is?. What are you both teaching them about relationships?.

Why can't you ask him to leave?. You afraid of his reaction?.

How many more therapies are you going to have, what about HIM having therapy?. What do you want from therapy?. What do you think it will do for you?. Fix things?.

AttilatheMeerkat, these are very badgering sorts of comments to be making considering the op is recovering from flu.

messarama, hope you are feeling better today.

Ive read your response 3 times now Attila, Im quite exhausted right now but will reply in some form,(ive got laryngitis after days of high temp and sleeplessness dealing with the dd's), but the reason I want to fix me is so that I may be stronger in myself so that IF I CHOOSE to leave this relationship Ive got myself to a better place , not for him , not for others, but for myself and my girls. Im undr no illusion that therapy will change him , but it will help me change my reponse to his behaviour. Nor will it wave a magic wand over us both. Im just working on my own self esteem and self worth and buidling the blocks back up inside. I might then be in a stronger place.

As I said before Im in no place to handle this parenting alone rght now however crappy his efforts are and boy is he crappy with them at 3am on a cold dark night. Despite his poor end of the bargain ,he still cooks ,food shops, organises and does a lot of practical stuff. So may be right now thats the pay off I get. Mind you its his way of becoming a martyr to the cause , he can say "look how much I do for you", its a clever manipulation isnt it. What my mums says is "he milks the cow then kicks it over".Creating much confusion, as building a case for him treating me badly would appear much harder this way.

Despite shitty lives, one can only go at the pace that is possible for our present level of conciousness to the situation and our level of courage in our own lives, NOT because Im being told to move more quickly through a process. May be Im not there at that place yet.

If I could find the right therapy for us I would , we did relate several years ago and all I got was weeks of venom from him and how he resents my depressions and pills and attention from that and how its all about me, so all I could do was throw it back, that I can do without as Im good at doing it to myself, self loathing that is. I/we need a therapy that helps us move forward from this position of blame and causation.

Thank you mitfordsisters for a little humanity. Im getting better , but slowly it seems.

I dont see why I should be on trial here, Im feeling particularly vulnerable and drained right now and what you say Attilla may be right, but there are kinder ways. Dont you see that may be your being as intimidating and bullying as he is in your own way?