Is the writing on the wall?

[anychanceleft]

My DH and I have had problems for the last 3 years, he is very unhappy about the way I am, have gained lots of weight whilst pregnant with DS who is now 3. To tell the tale briefly, he says he no longer finds me attractive, he loves me like a sister, but not in love with me, says the sexual attraction has gone. I feel betrayed by him, feel he should love me for me, not how I look, but on his side of the fence can see that I really am not the woman physically he met and fell for. Because I receive so little affection from him, it makes me very sad and then very resentful. We have got into the habit of just biting at each other all the time. Last weekend we had another big row, he is very verbally abusive when we row telling me how awful I am an that he can't respect me when I look so dreadful etc etc, whilst I know this is way out of order, over the course of time it's destroyed my self-esteem.

He wants to give it until Summer to see if I can "sort myself out" and us work on trying to get the old us back, but until he finds my physically attractive is doesn't want any physical intimacy as he feels it will give me the wrong signals and make me think everything is okay!

I feel devastated that he could say all this, he says he feels that I don't care about him or our relationship, as if he had changed so much and I had asked him to change back he would have done it for me. He sobbed last weekend, whilst rowing, I have never seen him cry in the last 10 years.

Part of me hates him for all that he has done, and I suspect if I get back to how I was the damage in my head is monumental and perhaps too much. Do you think that we are doomed?

Cheerful and Critter - thx. Will read the link.

I think I know all the answers, just get why I can't be stronger, maybe that's just where this situation has taken me.

It does sound like an ultimatum from him, and I don't like ultimatums. I've been in a similar position- put on loads of weight while pregnant with dd1, felt disgusted with myself, slowly lost all 5+ stone. DH admitted he didn't find me as attractive when I was overweight, but he knew I would lose it eventually. I know he doesn't find me attractive when I am bigger- my weight has fluctuated wildly in the last 5 years (3 pregnancies, ds now 13 mths). A few months ago he asked me jokingly when he was going to get back the woman he married. I laughed, but took a long hard look at myself- I hadn't had my hair cut in over a year, was overweight and wearing awful clothes. I did make a bit of effort, and have lost the weight and look better, and I think he appreciates my efforts, but he would NEVER have said "lose weight or I'm off"!! If he did say that, I'm afraid it would be the end of the line for me. Its not easy trying to lose weight- and especially not if you are under pressure to do it, and demoralised. If you feel loved and happy, weight loss is far easier somehow.

My DH is one of those naturally fit, naturally slim, works out every day through work kind of guys, and tbh, can be a bit of a misogynist. But he has always been very respectful when discussing my weight/ body image with me, which is where I think your DH has fallen down. You need self-esteem in order to lose weight- it is a vicious circle. And for your DH to withdraw physical affection is just going to make things worse, in every sense.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him that YOUR weight is YOUR issue, and you will deal with it as you deem right. HIS job is to be supportive in however you deal with it. Point out that there are things about him that have (no doubt) changed since you married. People do change. Maybe he could focus on his own shortcomings while you decide if weight loss is something YOU want, and how YOU want to accomplish it (or not) Wishing you all the best.

TBH Yes. Even if you lost weight the fact that so much of his love depended on how you looked and not who you are wouldn't be resolved.
It's shallow and soul destroying for you, as if who you are deep down and having a child together is not as important as your weight

Is it your weight, or him going on about it which has ruined your self esteem?

Would you be happier if you lost the weight you have kept in the three years since the birth?

If it's your weight then you can do something about it, if it's your husband then you can do something about that too.

It sounds like you are both very unhappy. Do you think he has almost picked one concrete thing - your weight - as the thing that is making him dissatisfied? Subconsciously then the onus is on you and not him to fix the situation. I'm not a psychologist so that is conjecture really but I don't think if you did lose weight it would magically fix things. Even if you felt better about yourself surely you'd feel like you had to be a certain way in order for your H to love you. That's a horrible way to live. I'm really not a fan of the 'leave him, leave him' school of thought but do you think you might be happier on your own, even for a little while?

There is a particular set of cultural/social issues around women's weight. The contemporary culture of size-zero-etc is only part of it. The general low-level social panics about obesity are also only part of it. ACL, I am not sure how much weight you have gained (and it isn't any of my business, please don't feel obliged to post details), but it might be useful for you to consider and assess whether your present weight is really unhealthy or just a matter of you being a bit bigger than the media say a woman is allowed to be. But whatever you weight, your DP's attitude seems to be about him owning you and you being obliged to please and obey him, rather than him being concerned for your health and wellbeing.

Okay but you seem to see the cause of your DH's alienation as being your weight problem ...

whereas it could very well be the other way around - you gained weight because of your DH's alienation ...

when I put on a lot of weight it was directly due to the fact that DH and I were going through a rough patch. When we started getting along nicely again, I was happier and the weight dropped off.

i get it - some people don't find fat attractive. I wouldn't fancy my DH as much if he got fat. My DH has always gone for slim women. However I was a size 14 when we met and am now a size 16-18 after having our son. My DH hasn't mentioned wanting me to lose weight but does comment when he sees I have lost some, in a wonderful, encouraging way. He also, crucially, wants to shag me because he loves me, and enjpys physical closeness with me, even if my arse is massive and I'm not his ideal - I'm still his wife.
Your DH has been horrible to you. This is the opposite of an effective way to support a woman to lose weight and will never work. Threats, withdrawal of reward (affection) and ultimatums are controlling and nasty. If you do lose weight will you still want him?

I would loose the weight, work hard at it and look great...

then dump him and fine a man who love me

Gosh, anychanceleft, I am really shocked by your dh's behaviour. He is treating you with contempt.

I speak from experience that there was a short phase where I felt my dh treated me with contempt, and I presented him with the choice - either treat me with more respect, or leave. I am happy to report that once it came to the crunch, things got better.

But the weight thing is just a means of him controlling you. Whilst it might be true that he is not as physically attracted to you as he once was, isn't this an inevitable hurdle to get over in a marriage? None of us look as young and beautiful as we did at 20, it is just life.

Is it possible that he has libido problems and he is using the excuse of your weight? From what I know of men, they can compromise a great deal on attraction when they haven't done it for a while.

Hence the 'oldest profession in the book'.

I hesitate to say this, in case it sets off a paranoia, but is there any chance he is gay? Maybe next time he says these horrible things, you should respond more vociferously?