Been in floods of tears all day, I know what you are all going to say leave him

[headache]

Wednesday DP has a works night out well not a works night out as he missed his as was looking after the DC whilst I went out. Anyway goes out and comes in at 12.50am pissed goes to bed on sofa fine, next day he gets up and goes into work late, e-mails me later to say there has been a bomb scare at the train station and that he is having trouble getting a train, e-mails later to say he has giving up on trains and is playing pool comes in at gone 12 again drunk, gets up this morning goes to work. Left apologetic note and e-mails. About 4ish his boss phones our house asking for him and saying that he couldn't get in contact with him and he knew our DD2 was ill (erm that was last week).

So I think he's not at work despite him going out at 7 this morning so I phone and e-mail him. Eventually he phones back and is more ammoyed with his boss phoning me, apparently he is in another closer to home office and has been sending his boss e-mails all day and he just didn't dial in for a meeting. He then phones me back to ask me if I thought his boss was out of order so I say no you are. He hangs up eventually.

So tonight he has just phoned to say he is coming home and sounds pissed again. This is the third night I have had to put the DC to bed on my own, I am livid.

Now this is not an isolated incident every few months he goes awol doesn't phone and always comes home pissed. He has no control over alcohol, he drinks and drinks until he is hammered and can hardly get home. He is a complete t* when drunk, has been mugged twice probably when pissed and heres the best bit has been convicted 3 times of drink driving, narrowly escaped prison last time.

He knows he has a problem but doesn't want to give up (has gone 7 months without it before) I think he should give it up for good he doesn't.

I have told him time and time again that this behaviour is abusive towards me and that if it continues I will leave him. I think he knows he has me over a barrel though SAHM 3 young DDs, no family support etc. Nowhere to go. I have asked him to leave in the past but then he says he has nowhere to go it's his house etc

When not drunk he is a very good partner and Dad I cannot say otherwise.

God my life is an utter mess, I have 3 DC under 5 the last one just a baby

Forgot to add I am a regular just name changed not the sort of thing you want the girls on the post natal threads reading

Oh poor you. Phone Al-Anon for advice and support.

Have talked to Al-anon before (and he has gone to AA) the thing is they are all for drinking every day alcoholics, DP isn't one of them, he can go 3 months without a drink, he's a binge drinker and is a problem when drinking. All they went on about is how much does he drink a day? and when I told them this it was as if they were saying what are you phoning for? IYSWIM

Yes - AA is a good idea - you don't deserve this (((())))

My anxiety is really bad I think he isn't going to come home every night, I don't trust him at all, if there's no trust in a relationship what else is there?

The hard core AA people may have been sober for 20 years - try and get a sponsor to come to your house. Hugs from me too.

Sorry to hear this. It's awful to see a partner do this to himself and his family.

I don't think he will stop until he hits rock bottom and/or someone from outside ( not you ( unfortunately he will not listen to you), but someone like a doctor or anyone whos opinion he'd respect) tells him directly that he is an alcoholic and needs help. It sounds like he doesn't realise how bad the problem is and that only he can help himself. Only once he's really realised this he may get help. It may not happen until he's lost a job and maybe his family.
There is not a lot you personally can do for him unfortunately, your words will not get through while he is in denial about the real state of the problem. You can only make sure that you look after yourself and your children.
He is ultimately responsible for what he is doing and is responsible for realising that he is an alcoholic and asking for help.
Sorry for possibly being negative, but speaking from personal experience.
It may be a long process until things improve and it only depends on him if it happens. Look after yourself.

I wouldn't have thought that AA could be so uncaring. You need to contact them again- or better still- he needs to- it is his problem.

He HAS got a drink problem even if he is not a typical alcoholic.

He needs to get help- before he kills either himself or an innocent person if he drinks and drives. Sorry- but I have no sympathy at all for anyone who drinks and drives-they are scum.

You need to decide what YOU want- do you want to stay and support him if he gets help- or do you want to leave him?

Have you no family to go to? No friends who could help you out short term?

sorry for what you're going through, headache. I had a similar experience with ex, though with him it was drugs. If you want to leave him, you will. When you are ready. Not when someone else tells you too. In the meantime, you need to look after yourself and try to stop waiting for him. When he is doing what he is doing he has no control. Therefore there is nothing to be gained from sitting at home stressing. Hard, I know, but it is true. You need to get on with your life and think hard about what you want.

Thank you for your honest replies

I know drink drivers are scum I agree, part of me thinks he should have gone to prison so he could have that rock bottom moment. Of course if he had it would have been the DC and I that would suffer too

I do believe he knows he has a problem with alcohol but cannot control himself enough to say no sometimes. He has had a load of conselling before and been on various courses but obviously they haven't helped much.

No family to help and we haven't been in this area that long to have close friends.

Talk about catch22 - stay and be subjected to this every few months or leave and be on benefits staying God knows where

He won't likely change his ways and he was fortunate not to be sent to prison last time around. Don't start me on drunk drivers either. Even if he hits rock bottom there are no guarantees - he may still continue to drink.

Whose property is it - his solely?. Are you not listed as a mortgagee or on the Title Deeds?.

You need to consider your role - at present you are enabling him by just being there and clearing up after him. I realise you have three children and they are all v young but you need to think longer term as well. They will grow and see their Dad with a drink problem. They will learn from the two of you and how you react to him. Growing up in a house where one parent is alcoholic can bring children a whole host of emotional problems when they are adults. You cannot leave them that legacy.

The drink is coming first and foremost, you and everyone else is a dim and distant second.

If you keep telling him as well you will leave and then not act on this he will not take you seriously. He likely thinks, "yada, yada, yada, headache won't leave me, she's told me all that before and she hasn't gone with the children". The next time you tell him that you will leave you must act on it. Find out where you stand legally and financially, make plans to leave of that is what you want and seek housing assistance from CAB, council etc. You can make a life for yourselves without him subjecting the children and you to this, you need to be brave and take that first and hardest step.

You will all end up being dragged down by him, infact this is already happening to your family unit.

Message withdrawn

the decision to stay or go is never going to get any easier... it is extremely frightening to go it alone with children and no support and it is hellish living with an alcoholic.

the deciding factor should be the affect this has or will have on your children. Children of alcoholics often have emotional problems that can be long term and it can hugely affect their own future relationships.

watching you engaged in a very unhealthy co-dependent cycle of abuse with your husband is the example they are growing up with therefore the likelihood of mirroring this dynamic is huge.

i am the child of an alcoholic and the wife of one (my husband is the same- not a daily drinker, can go months etc but can't handle alcohol or stop once started) and it took me leaving until he stopped and never drank again. we went on to have children and hopefully they'll never witness the kind of trauma i did as a child.

it is very very very stressful for children.

Atila and blinks - you so tell the truth about needing to take responsibility to make sure the DC don't grow up being subjected to this, I have said to him how would he feel if one of the DC's husbands treated them like the way he treats me, would he be happy? I know I am enabling his behaviour too

The really sad thing is his Dad was a alcoholic and died when DP was in his early teens basically he was hit by a car whilst drunk, this has deeply affected DP and I feel very sad that he seems to be continuing the pattern.

The last twice he was charged with drink driving it was the morning after the night before and was just over the limit but was still over so rightly so was charged. He isn't routinely out driving while drunk (just wanted to add that). It's the old thing when sober he is a great partner and Dad, really truly is a partner with the house and DC.

I asked him how he felt last night and he said he is giving up from Jan 1st, this made me cross I said no it's now not Jan 1st but he said he is going on a health kick as he is training for another marathon.

The house is in joint names, I am not like oh my God benefits but I am under no illusion it would be very hard, he would probably not move out without a fight, I don't know if he could afford the mortgage and rent on somewhere else so would be pay the mortgage and selling right now isn't an option. What would happen to me and the DC? Hostel? I gave up my career as it was not child friendly and we moved anyway so I'm at the bottom of the career ladder even though I have a degree back to square one so cannot even go and get a job that pays enough to cover childcare, would need to retrain.

Thank you for your advice and support means the world to me