A really crappy few days. Long

[whatalotofchocolate]

I've posted before but changed my name - husband wants to separate.

We've had a really bumpy couple of years but i was unaware of the issues until recently. He kept most things to himself as didn't want to hurt me. To be honest the issues are really things he needs to deal with. He feels he has tried so hard with everything and has nothing left to give - I said well if you haven't told me everything then how can we work on it.

I said why don't we wipe the slate clean, fresh start,forget the past, work together to make a happier life for us and our DD. He just doesn't think we can. He says he's got to be able to want to give it 110% and he hasn't got it in him.

Thing is for the last 3 years he has done whatever he wants to do and has been out with his mates, is doing a course which means he is out 4 nights a week plus a Saturday. Which is really hard for me to cope with, having dealt with a DD from newborn whilst he has been out doing his own thing.

I know his family means the world to him and he's come from a broken family himself and the last thing he's wanted is to divide his family. He says that last time we separated he missed our DD desperately and it tore him apart at the thought of another man bringing his daughter up. I tell him that leaving his family will not sort out all his issues, that he could be creating even bigger issues to deal with in the future. But he's hellbent on doing it his way. Even his family are saying the same to him.

To top it off I've been unable to sleep properly, I feel like I'm going insane and then I got some bug, I ended up in hospital with suspected meningitis y'day, only got out this afternoon after having been prodded and poked with drips, IV's etc, 2 hours sleep and feeling totally rough. What makes it even worse is that my husband came home from work y'day and seeing how ill I was, was still going to go out and leave me (my mum came down to look after our DD but had to go home in the evening). He didn't even offer to stay home, he said he could take our daughter out with him! Although he kind of begrudgingly said he could stay with me. Good thing too as we spent the evening in hospital.

I just felt so bad today because he couldn't even give me a proper hug or support in hosptial, when I asked for one he was all off. When he brought me home he couldn't give me a big hug. And this week when he was sick, I looked after him!

I truly believe that all the stress I've been under has made me feel a lot worse and maybe even triggered this illness and I feel so down I could cry all the time. (and frequently do)

I dont want to separate and I believe it can work, my husband is a good guy underneath the "issues" and we have had such good times in the past. He's an excellent dad and so outgoing and entertaining (to everone else!)

I'm just not sure how much I can go on with this. Sorry, maybe cos I've only had 2 1/2 hrs sleep and feel extremely rough!

Sorry what I mean't to say also is......

regardless of if it works out or not, does it get any better, or easier?

well I split up with dp 2 years ago. I loved him desperately but he couldn't give me the committment I needed. He wasn't a family man, basically. I must say I feel happier today without all the stress of wanting something that wasn't happening. Maybe it won't come to this with you, I hope not. But if it does let me tell you, there is life after, a good one too. While you are in the thick of it you can't imagine. Right now, you need to look after yourself, get some rest etc.

Poor you sorry you have been through this (and on your own!)

If it doesn't work out, you seem such a strong person. It seems like you are on your own now emotionally, so I am sure you will cope.

Take care xx

Thanks, I just don't know what the outcome will be and I guess it really scares me.

To top it off I had his FIL come over yesterday after I came home from hospital and saw we had separate bedrooms and said to me "is nothing working???". I blurted out, ""its not me, it's him (ooppps). Which is true in a way because I feel like I have been doing all the running, and my DH has acknowledged that. But just feeling the pressure from his FIL makes me feel even worse. He should be talking to his son about it, not me! My FIL got all upset then because his wife (my DH's mum) had an affair and left him with the 2 kids when they were little, and he's saying to me "don't give up", expecting me to just hang on like some needy little person! I feel like I've got no self esteem anyway because I'm the one making all the effort, so why should I be begging for him to stay?

Although I do want him to stay, I don't think begging is the way to go. It'll just push him away.

He already says he dreads coming home because of the situation - what situation? He comes in, has his dinner cooked for him, plays with our DD, goes out to his course (in term time). Poor him, has a wife who looks after his daughter, cooks his dinners, does his washing, cleans the house, manages the accounts, does his books for him...What an idiot!!!

It's almost like he's imagining this terrible scenario. I know he is entitled to his opinions and feelins and must acknowledge them, but sometimes I feel he just wants to go and do his own thing, but doesnt want to feel bad about it. He doesn't want to be portrayed as the dad who left his child.

I feel so bad for you, it sounds like you're emotionally exhausted as well as physically!

Without knowing what his issues are, I can't figure out his problem. At the moment he's having his cake and eating it. And still you feel guilty because he's not happy. It's so not fair on you.

And him going out whenever he fancies it, and being able to go on his course most of the week without a second thought etc, means that being a fantastic dad hasn't really cost him much in the way of effort? I'm sorry, perhaps I'm in a bad mood today, I don't have much sympathy for your DH at the moment!

And it occurs to me that after that rant... I don't know what to advise. Perhaps to say to you not to try just so hard? Perhaps he doesn't realise just how lucky he is. Maybe if you stopped doing absolutely everything for him, he would realise how good you are being? Just really wanted to answer to let you know I am certain it will work out okay for you in the end, you are a capable and a strong person. Just take care of you and your daughter for a while!

I think so too.

He wants to separate but cant afford to move out.

I'm still cooking his dinners, doing his washing, cleaning his room. He even wants me to do his books as well.

What annoys me even more is if I make plans to go out, I check with him first. A lot of the time he arranges it and then tells me. So my options are already limited as to what I can do.

Now he's off for the hols from college, I'm going to do what I want in the evenings and he can stay in. He's already made plans for the weekend and that's annoyed me because he hasn't even checked with me!

He just assumes I will be here. I normally am