Apologies for long post. Hoping just the process of offloading it on here will be therapeutic, in that no-one else knows my story.
To set the scene. HAve been with DH for 11 yrs, married for 7, have 2 dc. We have a significant issue within our sex life. In that, it's virtually non-existent. In the beginning, sex was fine although it was never the strongest aspect of the relationship and I'm not sure we really found 'our groove', although we genuinely fell in love. After a few years, it began to dwindle, namely because DH sex drive disappeared. He withdrew sexually, became VV sensitive about it although remained physically v loving and demonstrative. Over the years I have been through the whole range of emotions as a result. From feeling utterly rejected and thinking it was me, to thinking it was someone else to wondering if he was gay. A few yrs back, we had counselling but we didn't really connect with the counsellor and I don't think we ever really got to the bottom of the problem.
DH says he feels like sex but it never happens. He is a terrible insomniac and we have different body clocks. Now we have the 2 dc, we've just ignored the prob because we have a convenient excuse and to be honest, I think I've totally closed down that part of me. I'm not sure I even fancy him any more and I feel massively inhibited around him now (although I'm not sure I would with other people).
The relationship in all other aspects is good, we communicate well, he is thoughtful, occasionnally a bit of an idiot but aren't we all. But I am starting to wonder how long we (especially me) can ignore this and where we go from here? I don't want this to be my marriage for the rest of my life. I know that elderly relations have a more active sex life than me..
Once every 6 months, we may have a big row and it all comes out, and he is sometimes quick to say in the heat of the moment that we should split up and that he is unhappy but will later retract and I'm not sure whether he says that to get a reaction from me.
I think he looks at porn (have seen log-in details sent via sms to his phone) and the internet cache is wiped, so there is never any history on his lap top which makes me suspicious at times - btw it's always female porn i discover..)
Enter stage right, person X to add some further cloudiness to the waters. X was my first crush and we met 20 yrs ago. We ended up becoming v close friends and there were a few 'almost' encounters over the years. We ended up as flatmates for a while and then I moved abroad and we lost touch. 6 yrs ago, I was walking through my reception at work (different part of the country) and there was X! We ended up going out a few times at which point he revealed that he had been in love with me all those yrs (as I had him) but had never felt confident enough to declare it. This co-incided with a dark patch in my marriage and something almost happened but we both agreed it wasn't right and have remained friends since (he is single). Professionally our paths cross We see each other a few times a yr. In many respects we are more suited than my existing relationship and there is something very reassuring about being in the company of someone who has know you inside out since you were young. The chemistry between us hasn't evaporated though, physically there is a v strong attraction and as a result of our friendships for all those yrs, there is also a strong sense of friendship and caring there. If this were a hollywood film, we'd be the ill-fated starcrossed lovers ....
Between my mum and her brother, they share 6 divorces. Divorce terrifies, especially the potential impact on the dc, it's genuinely a last resort. My fear is though that if I feel i've tried everything and it comes to that, that DH will be so hurt by the experience that he will use the dc to get back at me in some legal battle.
Neither am I'm not so naive to think that X resembles a comfortable exit strategy but in quiet moments I do wonder whether i've made a mistake my feelings towards him don't seem to diminish, no matter how much I ignore them.
I'm at lost as to where to progress but not sure I can stick my head in the sand forever. DH makes the right noises but it's been so long, I've lost all my confidence in terms of initiating and worry that if I do try and get rejected, I will totally loose the plot with him. I just wish I could get him to be honest with me so we can work out the right solution. I'm at the point where I'd accept any explanation.. He says he finds me sexy and wants to have sex but won't open up any more than that. (the equipment is working btw).. In the meantime, the temptation to start an affair with X gets bigger and I'm worried in my unhappiness, I'll do something that I may later live to regret.
Thanks to anyone who has stuck with it, this far.! INterested in any views, thoughts etc.