Name changer for this and be warned it's a long one!
There's been a few threads on MN about NPD lately but it's only after visiting my sister with my young DS recently that I started to think she may have it or something like it.
During the weekend, DS did something which wasn't his fault and luckily didn't cause any permanent damage but she raised her voice so that he knew she was angry with me, him or both of us, even after I'd asked her not to for his sake.
Her reaction was so out of proportion and left us both feeling so upset, myself to the point at which I felt like leaving, less than 12 hours after I'd arrived.
I stayed for the sake of my DS who already knew the amount of nights were were meant to be staying for and I didn't want him to associate us leaving with his accident, but I felt trapped and was counting down the hours until we could leave, coping in the following 30 odd hours only by smiling, nodding and saying "yes".
This behaviour hasn't come out of the blue but I think this is the final straw in our sibling relationship.
She's always lectured me on subjects which she speaks as if she's an authority upon even though she doesn't know some of the most key facts about them so it's obvious she's not.
Maybe she feels the need to do this because she mostly jumps to conclusions about what I think or what I'm about to say and interrupts, therefore never getting the full story.
If we agree, fine, but if we don't, she'll insists it's because I'm wrong.
Not only does she contradict herself, but she tries telling me I'm mistaken about things I know she or I have definitely said to each other, whether in the very far or very recent past.
She's always the first person to lecture on the rudeness of others, yet is oblivious to her own.
If someone inconveniences her they'll know about it straight away, but if anyone lets her know she's upset them, they'll be lucky to get an acknowledgement, let alone an apology.
Similarly, she will criticize me to our relatives and vice versa, as if we do not talk to each other, which she full well knows we do and I think this may be part of the manipulation.
She also seems to treat the younger members of our family, including myself during that age as I am almost 2 decades younger than her, as "mini me"s if she can and cannot accept it when they inevitably become different from her.
Consistently, she puts her needs before those of the children of our family, including distracting attention they are entitled to from their parents to herself, unless when it's convenient for her to do so.
Having never had children, being highly unlikely to do so in future and certainly without any kind of childcare experience whatsoever, this would be understandable to an slight extent, but her approach is nothing less than selfish.
She seems to hold a very idealised view of how parenting and thus childhood should be, just as she does with an extreme sense of what etiquette should be.
Although I didn't realise her behaviour was out of the ordinary as a child, now I do, it has been near or completely impossible to have a pleasant time in her company because there's always some drama to be had. with her at the centre of attention.
I do think she lacks empathy but is aware enough to spot and pounce upon a vunerability in me and others.
Otherwise, she has proved to be an incredibly generous gift giver throughout the past, but as ungrateful as it may sound, I can't help feeling that this is not only an easy way of showing "love", but it's a way of keeping people feeling obliged to her.
The other thing which unnerves me is that she interacts with people as if she's acting, reacting as she thinks "one" should rather than with a genuine, spontaneous display of emotion.
Even now I am feeling the effects.
I know this will be an upsetting phrase to some for me to use but I remember leaving feeling not the relief I was hoping for, just "mentally raped".
My DP has been working very hard recently and really needed my support shortly after the visit but I couldn't give it to him because I felt as if I literally had nothing more to give, which is not like me at all. In that sense the term "energy vampire" rings very true. I'd consider myself a fairly coherent person but haven't been for almost the past week and don't feel as if I'm coming across very well in this post either.
I'm fed up of the "maiden aunt", "earth mother" routine and I'm fed up of her constantly insulting not only my own intelligence but that of my DS, my rest of my family and my friends.
It's true that she's very well-read, apparently also on psychology, though it's not her field, but has either probably never considered the idea of a personality disorder to apply to her, or simply would never entertain the idea, as I expect most with them also wouldn't.
This is why I know that, whether she actually has a personality order or whether it's just a coincidence that she has particularly narcissistic traits, it's unlikely she'll seek help, or be able to change even if she accepts it.
Although writing her a polite letter to explain exactly why I don't want her in our lives anymore, it will only fuel her fire.
I have come to realise that I don't have to justify myself to her on this or anything else she finds fault with. Therefore, I'm planning to remain civil and have ordered her Christmas present to be sent directly to her but by the new year, we will have faded from her life.
It makes me sad to do this but I know playing along will not protect myself and I'm unwilling to give her a chance to repeat history with my DS as well.
Not so much asking for advice, as I know what I've got to do, but any thoughts and shared experiences are of course welcome.
Thanks for reading