Always the same argument - how can we handle it differently?

[tiredandgrumpy]

dh and I have just had another bust up which has left me feeling flattened. I'm tired from work pressure and life generally, so perhaps I'm not in the best position to deal with these things properly.

Our arguments usually follow the same format - I feel under-appreciated and comment when he's done something which feels thoughtless (like today I had literally just cleared the bedroom ready to hoover, a job which involved largely clearing away his clutter, he came in, got changed and left his stuff strewn over the floor). He resents me pointing this out and accuses me of screaming at him, lecturing me about the tone of my voice. I get worked up because he doesn't even listen to my initial point and so I feel he is dismissing my concerns and demonstrating even less regard for me. Blows up into patronising comments from him and me feeling even less appreciated and regarded than ever.

Please, what can we do to stop this happening? I know I could be a doormat and never comment, but he is truly dreadful about leaving me to clear up after him. Honestly, I don't scream at him and I genuinely don't think that when I make my initial comment that I do so in a horrible way.

i guess a rational conversation when neither of you is angry to discuss what the issue is? perhaps you could get him to promise to try to not do it and you could promise to try to not make a comment until he has done it 10 times in a row or something? but remembering to forgive if one or other of you slips up (as you inevitably will). it will take both of you being willing to move on from this i am sure.all the best with it.

Do you actually explain? As in: please don't make a big mess as you will leave it to me to tidy it and I've just done it once, rather than saying: why do you have to throw all your stuff all other the place in a giant mess?

googgly, I think I do. In my head I explain why I'm frustrated. I can't tell whether he gets that bit as he hears just a telling off.

nowwearefour - I agree we need to manage to talk about this. I feel rather down about it though, as I think we have always operated on this sort of a level so I feel rather pessimistic about resolving anything by talking. I will think about the letting it lie for a few slips before commenting. In my head I already do this, but perhaps if I actually wrote it down for my own reference I could see that I was being calm most of the time.

Thank you both for taking the time to help.

Hmmm, i had same problem with dp. Until i gathered up all his stuff he'd dumped for me to pick up, and threw it all on his side of the bed, so when he came home he was welcomed by the sight of his dirty pants, a lot of screwdrivers and bolt stuff, playstation games, clothes, glass tumblers, all of which he had to move to get into bed. For good measure i also threw stuff out of the window, and in the outside bin, the stuff that wouldnt fit in the bed. Can i just say, i was very pregnant at the time and just saw red, blame it on the hormones. Needless to say he never did it again. But i did threaten to chuck anything laying round in the bin, (and meant it). Think the poor bugger could see the wild look in my eye, and knew not to say a peep, although hes usually argumentative and im usually very mild. Am not advising this kind of behaviour, as i obviously had some leverage behind me, the pregnancy and sheer madness, but could you possibly give him a serious, im not picking your shit up talk, no discussions, no arguing from you, this is what you have to do kind of chat. If not, am of the opinion that actions speak louder than words. I picked up dp's crap for 6 years, having tons of arguments about it, and nothing got done til 'the rage'. 9 Months on, he apologises if hes left a cup out. God, im reading this back, honestly im not a lunatic, i promise, good luck any how!!

I am by no means an expert, but this is something I am trying to do at the moment, argue more effectively.

Try the following....

Approach the conversation with a problem-solving attitude instead of simply setting out to place blame. A good response for your problem could be something like this: "Neither of us has time to handle every little chore around the house. It doesn't seem to make sense when things have to be done twice. I'd like it if we could sit down and work out a some basic rules for both of us." Then follow through. A reasonable position, if discussed in a reasonable manner, is much harder to dismiss than over-generalised, angry accusations.

An important part of this strategy is recognizing your DH's position, as well. For example, he may rebut your suggestion of some rules by becoming defensive and saying, "I work all day, and when I come home, I just want to relax."

In this situation, you should acknowledge his position with a simple affirmative: "I realise you work hard." You can then move into laying out your own position: "I work all day also keeping the house tidy, and I feel keeping up around the house would be easier if we had some basic rules in place." Notice the lack of you statements in this strategy. These tend to come across as inflammatory whether they're intended to be or not.

A big consideration in planning your argument strategy is knowing, despite your best efforts to remain calm and reasonable, your partner may not reciprocate. Arguments have a way of becoming one-sided.

If you're not getting through to your DH, and he is becoming angry, you shouldn't give in to the urge to match his hostility. Remaining calm and anti-accusatory will allow you to end the conversation at the point where you know it's not going anywhere - i.e., "Maybe we should talk about this later, once we both have a chance to think about things."

This may also work to your advantage because your civil, rational behavior will reflect all the more unfavorably on your partner's overreaction, and may result in his personal reflection on the root of the argument. Once he has time to realise he reacted inappropriately, he may be more receptive to your position at a later time.

I'm not promising anything, but this kind of thing is helping me at the moment. Its very easy to have the same argument again and again without anything changing at all!

One final thing - pick your arguments. I can totally see why this pees you off. But try to think of all the things he does that annoy you and pick which ones you can live with (i.e. ignore totally, not silently seethe about) and which are worth arguing about.

Finally, I'll shut up, and say GOOD LUCK! Let us know how you get on!

Duke.