can an independent woman stay married?

[justamom]

an indepedent woman....keeping that in mind to being a maid...a errand runner...and cooking and all of the other stuff among playing like you don't know anything so that dh can feel more like a man...

well apparently i just put the washing in the machine and it does it for me

yes thats right it sorts itself first
then I ut it in

the soap is already then

then it walks outside to the line where it dries, folds itself and gets ironed and put away

I dont know what i am talking about as i dont iron, but who gives a flying fox

I have to be independant as Dp works overseas, So i live like I am single most of the time. Bit like a maid as in I can't expect him to come home from 6 weeks away and clean. Although I do expect him to tidy after himself. I never act daft to boost him as he is quite proud of the fact that i am an intelligent woman with her own opinions. I tend to deal with any household problems without consulting DP and often arrange weekends away for either both of us or just me (when he is away).

However i do declare certain things men's work for a laugh. I refuse to go to the bar when out with DP, Will not clean windows or do the gardening. I don't have to act girlie as a stern look normally gets things done.

Hey it works for us but have lots of friends in RL who have to act a certain way to keep the peace.

Have to agree dyzzidi Going to the bar is def mans work. He always goes cos I use the "well if you want another drink you can go get them otherwise we might as well go home" line. It works everytime .

tarantula I only have one exception to this rule and that iss in Revolution where I take his money and order Cocktails, vodka shots and anything else I fancy, although it is normally when we are out with another couple and my friend is a bad influence

its not so much about independance as it is about power is it not justamom?

yo are going to have to have a talk i think. if he makes comments that put you down - he may not realise its effect or evenif he does he needs to be told how it makes you feel.

so for instance i am short at five foot 1 and a fart i cant reach the top shelf in supermarkets! there re short jokes about as 2 of my kids are also now taller than me - i get shorty this that and the other all day long - am i bothered? no its said in jest to get a reaction. -my husnand has recently lost 3 stone and i am currently in the middle of a campaign to find his arse as it has disappeared! this counteracts the shortism in our house! but all in jest.

if my dh ever said something to undermine me i wuld tell him he was out of order. however i do recognise his strengths and his weaknesses and leave him be with his strengths as its an ego thing - i maight say - ive done such a thing before giz a shout when you get pissed off.

soif he is figuring something out on a computer that you could do in five minutes let him. its not hurting anyone and keeps him occupied whilst deperate housewives is on.

however i dont like the sound of you dumbing down infront of him- he either accepts you as you really are or he should tkae a long walk off a short pier.

ps re: the washing machine thing someone mentioned - if its as easy as he thnks why doesnt he do it?

just to answer the question about breaking the back...like i'm doing something to hard...or picking up something to heavy....

What on earth does being married have to do with running errands and doing all the cooking and stuff?

Didn't you know him before you married him?

custardo...maybe it is about the power...my power LOL
i lived alone for a really long time...worked like hell...for a lil while only was home 5-6 hours a day i was litterally working 20 hours a day....... so when my dh says....you don't know how tired i am i could just knock him up side his head....up until i met him he was a spoiled lil "rich kid"

he really is a good man...and most of the time i don't point out his faults and he really has toned it down with me some...but i have become more of what he wanted...somewhere along the last six years....i was a man hate kind of girl....til i met him.......i am also a lil woman 5 foot 2...and 105lbs...so
i maybe have the lil woman's complex...LOL..i just always feel the need to accomplish...

aloha...you know the domestic stuff....bath the kids, cook the dinner, plant the flower, scrub the toilets, be the maid, etc... oh i forgot....!!!!!!

NO PAYCHECK!!!!!!

Not to your DH, by the sounds of it.

I honestly don't know why being married makes you a maid and errand runner as well. Why does that go with the territory of marriage?

Plant the flower - I agree, that is a drag.

Wish I didn't have to be so independent s/times. I feel stretched in so many directions. I support our whole family. I have two jobs. And in September I'll have a degree course on top of that.

My husband has a severe learning disability. He'll never be able to earn what I have the potential to. I knew that when we married. He's the most brilliant husband, father, man. I have so much respect for him and his quiet strength is my rock.

But s/times I feel the weight of the world on me. S/times I feel so frightened. I worry constantly about what will happen to my family if s/thing happened to me, even w/good life insurance. I do this just briefly, before I realise how blessed I am to be able to do all this and have such a wonderful family.

But oh just to be able to devote myself to one thing - the house and home, for example. What a luxury!

Oh, btw, in the UK, it's a 'cheque' and not a 'check'. Fortunately, too, most peoples' identity isnt' tied to what they do for work, so they don't feel like less of a human for not working 60 hours/week.

Another blessing, being here in a place where there's support for working families and no pressure to be at work 16 hours/day.

Life ain't so bad, after all.

Expat - you've humbled me, and I'm pretty thick skinned and don't get humbled too often.

I sometimes feel the weight of the world on my shoulders running the house, doing a degree, 2 stepkids & DD, doing most of it when I'm working overseas - coping with constant relocation and adapting to life in many countries with a baby/toddler and without DP.

I'm about to stop work and realise how lucky I am that I can do that. OK it's down to me to reorganise the finances, but I can do it, and I'm really very grateful - before I read your post I felt it somewhat of a right, as all the other mums I know don't work. Thanks for giving me some perspective back.

reading most of the replies i feel quite "crappy".... i really love staying at home, i don't know why i have such a strong urge to "get out" my ds has been a blessing but also he has been to doctors and doctors and doctors, maybe i'm just burnt....out......he is doing GREAT now and i feel like i can breathe...and just want a change of pace...i know i am a hepocrit...once i finally do get to go back to work, i be pulling my hair out because then i two full time jobs.....

I thought this thread was going to be about staying faithful and how marriage is a strange social mannerism that kepts us latched to just one person! Well I see it like that sometimes.. I am just glad that dh is not the jealous type so that I can have male and female friends... anyway back to the real topic of the thread

justamum it drives me batty when dh tries to ´lecture´me about how to do something.. he does not do it often, his tone of voice and rhythm changes. In fact I see it as a weakness in his otherwise fairly fabulous character. I not sure if a brief stint in the army.. compulsary here in Swissland effected it cos that what he comes across as.. St Major!

Like some others have said .. maybe you need to let him know in a non aggressive manner that you don´t feel comfortable with being treated like a non knowing women when in fact you have much to contribute. Does it make him nervous that you are infact so capable!!