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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help ... just need to get it out and then hear what you all think!

11 replies

JandMsMum · 17/12/2008 19:14

Hi there, I used to use this site alot and then just sort of stopped as my youngest got older. But I need help !!! .. so I hope you can all give me your opinion/advice. In a nutshell!, I was married for 12 years. My marriage started to go wrong about 3 years ago, we separated (now divorcing) 13 months ago. As we finished, I became close to a man, who I then fell very quickly and heavily in love with .. as did he. We had a year together, intense, emotional, with a fair amount of ups and downs. Early on in the year he was in a dilemma on whether to go travelling for a year .. house sold (cash in bank), job not working out etc .. he always argued if we were supposed to be, then 1 year out, would be nothing in the long run. So, after tears etc, I accepted it and stood by him and helped him prepare for the off (September). We stayed v. close the whole time, he took me on holiday, etc etc. We had an emotional goodbye, saying we would be together on his return and tried to keep our relationship alive, by text/phone etc. But we ended up arguing long distance and texting too much, he couldnt handle me going out etc and after 2 months he ended it, by saying he didnt know what he wanted anymore, he loved me but I was so far away and he should let me go .. we have just been in touch again after 6 weeks by text and he wanted to know if I was with anyone (In a joky way), he told me he had kissed no one, he just wanted me to be happy etc ... should I move on, or should I wait for him? I think about him all the time ... I dont know what to do anymore, he goes to Aus/NZ for 3 months in the ny and I just drive myself crazy with thinking about him with some one else ... all my friends think he is rotten keeping me by his side and then letting me go ... what should I do???????

OP posts:
skidoodle · 17/12/2008 19:39

How old are you?

You were married for 12 years and have multiple children and you're involved with a man who's off travelling for a year and wants you to "wait for him" and hopes you haven't kissed anyone else?

I just can't get my head around this at all.

He's far away and sounds very childish and also possessive.

Maybe if he gets in contact with you when he's back in the UK you could see if he's grown up at all in his year away?

Lulumama · 17/12/2008 19:43

good lord, make a clean break and find a man who knows what he wants! he sounds like a bit of a dog in the manger.. he does not wnat you right now, but wants to make sure you are around for when he gets back, if he decides he wants you, but he does not want you right now

all this 'wait for me' stuff is nonsense, he is hedging his bets..

find a man who will commit, and at least live in the same country as you

sounds all a bit teenagerish, star crossed lovers for me, >>old fogey>> but i would rather be on my own than with someone who blew hot and cold and went off travelling , and expected me to be there when he wanted

warthog · 17/12/2008 19:45

def move on.

he sounds like one of these people that likes intensity and drama, and as soon as it becomes more like real life aren't interested anymore.

warthog · 17/12/2008 19:45

ahem 'isn't'

snoringnightmare · 17/12/2008 20:05

If he relaly wanted to be with you and make a go of things he wouldn't have gone travelling for so long. He also wouldn't have ended it.

He's keeping you on a string.

snoringnightmare · 17/12/2008 20:06

really obviously not relaly

fourkidsmum · 17/12/2008 21:39

it doesn't sound like you are much of a priority to him, i'm afraid.

and his point of view about a year out not being much if you are meant to be together is a little naive...fate can put two people together, but then it is up to both of them to put the effort in to make it work! and really he chose to go off travelling, leaving you behind.

i think it would have been more honest of him to have said "i've planned this and i really want to go...and it may well be my last chance..." and he could have suggested that he would go for a shorter period maybe...three months...six months...? i'm so sorry, i'm not making much sense i'm trying to say that i think he wants to have his cake and eat it, and although he may well love you, he didn't love you more than the idea of galavanting round the world on his own for a year

but when he gets back, he might be ready to settle down, and maybe you could make a fresh start? if he wants to keep the relationship alive in the meantime though, he probably needs to make more effort...that is, let you live your life here, maybe fly you out somewhere for a week with him - could you do that without dcs? not be possessive - he finished it after all , text and phone...

or maybe you'd be better to leave it finished and see if there is a spark with which to rekindle it when he gets back? but will you always feel he didn't quite love you enough to stay with you...?

maidenvoyage · 17/12/2008 21:45

hi, sorry for interupting but my way of thinking is that if he is going of for a long time. Why not live your own life and if you meet someone along the way then the relationship was not good anyway and if you dont then pick up where you left of, but please dont just sit around waiting for him. He is not thinking about your feelings much

beanieb · 17/12/2008 21:50

He is worried about you going out? Sounds to me that you are worried about him too...

Was this a year out where he meant 'a break' but you meant Celibasy? Did you agree on groundrules?

clarabell16 · 17/12/2008 22:44

Not sure how you manange with all the intense emotional drama with a few little ones to look after. I find it hard to deal with a decent conversation after mine have gone to bed, let alone constant pondering, yearning, knowing what to do etc etc. Basically hes blowing hot and cold, keeping you on a string til he makes up his mind. Hes around the world having a whale of a time, while your at home, minding children and wasting your energy with all this drama. Do yourself a favour, leave it til hes back home, put your energies into your own life and your childrens lives, and see where the lands lies. If the relationship was intense and dramatic before, its probably likely to go down that route again, but hey if you like that kind of stuff, different strokes for different folks. Good luck.

JandMsMum · 17/12/2008 23:42

Thank you for all giving me your thoughts ... seems that the general answer is, get on with your life and see what happens, if anything.
Its amazing, everyone says it and yet I'm finding it so hard to let go ... something definitely went wrong in my childhood!
I think in my heart, I know that he is keeping me on the back burner so as you all say I should just look ahead and not backwards anymore.
And yes, beanieb, we did agree groundrules .. which was staying 'faithful' obivously that rule died when he 'couldnt cope' and ended it ...
I am not normally so weak, but somehow this man got under my skin deeply!
Thank you and I'll let you know the outcome next year!!!!

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