To people who have bad relationships with their parents - have you tried counselling how do I find someone?

[bohemianbint]

I've probably gone into detail elsewhere but basically I have a difficult relationship with my father and step mother and was abandoned by my mother when I was young, although ironically I get on with her better now than anyone.

Having kids has really thrown up issues and made my relationship with my father and SM worse, and I sometimes feel like it's my fault, or I'm going mad, or imagining things.

I remember someone once recommending counselling, but I don't know where to start to find one, and would I have to pay ir can you get it for free?

Hi,

www.bacp.co.uk/about_bacp

Have a look at the above, hopefully they can help.

Thanks Attila - I know you've always been really helpful when I've been venting on here in the past! I will check it out...

If you contact a counsellor directly, you do have to pay, I think. If you go via your GP, you might be able to get some sessions on the NHS.

I'm a big fan of counselling, but it isn't a fast fix, and sometimes it makes things worse (by making problems more obvious to you) before it makes them better.

Personally I would go for a fully licensed psychologist rather than a counsellor

and read this first

www.bps.org.uk/the-society/statutory-regulation/stat-reg_home.cfm

if you click on "home" you will find a section on how to find a psychologist and then a place where you can check whether they are chartered or not.

When you first go and see them they should talk to you about their ethical rules ie no contact out of sessions, no touching in sessions except hand-shake, complete and utter confidentiality etc etc. All this stuff is important because there are some unregulated wierdos out there!

You may not "click" with the first one you try but don't let that put you off. You are allowed to chop and change until you feel happy.

It's a big commitment in terms of time and money and effort on your part too (a proper psychologist doesn't sit there and say "there, there" and sympathise (necessarily) - they help you develop strategies to change and they might do this in quite a provocative way).

Believe it or not, I went to see one about my fear of flying and it helped me immensely and lead to me confronting all sorts of issues to do with my mother.

Wishing you best of luck with it. You won't regret it.

Do you work bohemianbint? Workplaces sometimes offer free counselling.

I would recommend counselling - it has certainly helped me with some of my issues stemming from an abusive childhood but it can take time and you may get in touch with painful feelings.

I do know quite a lot about finding a good counsellor. There are loads of trainings around and counsellors of varying degrees of skill. Visit more than one before you make up your mind and ask the counsellor questions. Ask yourself if this is someone you feel you can talk to and will make you feel safe whilst dealing with painful stuff.

If you are looking for a private counsellor (many will take on a couple of low cost clients), my rule of thumb is to look for someone who has had many years of therapy themselves and who has regular clinical supervision. No decent therapist will mind you asking these questions. Qualifications are a guide but an academic qualification isn't always a sign of a competent counsellor. I know of someone who has a degree in counselling who I wouldn't send my dog to. However I would only go to someone who has been on a training course of at least 3 years duration - a one year course would mean they only know the basics.

You can also look for a counselling agency - I would recommend the Westminster Pastoral Foundation and their affiliates (there is a website)as I know they are a very professional organisation. There are other training organisations who offer low cost counselling as well.

I don't think that being a member of the BPS is necessarily the only route by any means. I could go on as this is a subject I know a lot about, working in this field.

Apologies if I am being a bit bossy but I get carried away on the subject of what is a good counsellor but I have got 15 years of experience so hope to have some knowledge by now.

agree with NQC
i think it might have been me that suggested it!
some organisations will have counsellors who are less experienced or who will work for what you can afford
training colleges often offer cheap counselling with student counsellors
NHS is free for a limited no of sessions

I live abroad so I admit to not being totally in touch with licensing issues surrounding counsellors and psychologists in UK -

and totally agree that a bunch of qualifications doesn't automatically make someone empathetic or good at their job - didn't mean that at all

but just wanted to highlight the potential dangers of going to someone who has no affiliations whatsover because my cousin had an awful experience with someone who was basically a charlatan (won't relate here but suffice to say it set her back a good deal).

That's a good point Harlot makes about the person you choose having regular supervision/professional peer feedback themselves.

Yes, the bacp is the best place to find someone qualified. Also Womens Centres usually have a waiting list for clients but you can get free counselling for up to two years at some of them - I started there when I was training and stayed there because I believe in the ethos of counselling also being available to those on low incomes.

The counselling directory is also a good place to find someone.

Definitely agree that you should find someone you like and whom you feel cares for you.

The BACP website makes clear what affiliations someone has. I guess it's obvious to me that you should be sure someone has some professional affiliations.

I guess I don't think any qualifications make someone perfect - a friend of a friend (practicing in another country) was a psychiatrist or a psychologist, who got a brain cancer and went rather thoroughly off the rails, including sleeping with a patient.

It's a good idea, if you're going the private route, to make appointments with a couple of people, and go with the one that clicks.

There are some good hints on here about finding treatment and also outlines some of the possible differences between a counsellor v a psychiatrist

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/631230-what-is-my-problem-my-life-is-great

Good point about getting one that is as intelligent as you are ...