Making new friends, the English reserve!

[scoobysnax]

I am looking for some advice on making new friendships!
I often get chatting to other mothers at the local play parks, and sometimes I wish I could arrange to see them again. I have never been confident enough to give someone my phone number in the park and suggest meeting up again (and noone has ever given me their number either!).
I am quite shy and reserved by nature and worried that giving my phone number to someone is a bit pushy.
What do you think, should I just do it next time I meet someone I hit it off with and want to meet up with again? Has anyone else made new friendships like this?

What about suggesting that you could go to a cafe together when the kids get hungry & you want a cup of tea, or have a picnic together some other day when the weather is nice?

Although, personally I've met more "friends" by meeting again & again at Mums+Tots groups than folk at the park... Oh, and our swimming pool, which has a cafe upstairs, too.

Could you not suggest a regular day and time for the kids to meet up again in the play park - could just comment that the kids obviously get on well and that it has been nice to have adult company and that it would be nice to see them there again. Maybe once you have done that a few times you and you have got to know them a bit better you could suggest a trip to a local pool or a picnic in a park or similar.

Just think how you'd feel if someone offered you their phone number and said they'd like to meet up! You'd be flattered and delighted and I'm sure so would they. I've tried this a few times in parks - once I didn't have time to follow it up (started working full time shortly afterwards) and another time it didn't work out (found I hadn't much in common with the other mum after all). Yet another time I became firm friends with the other person. I would just go for it - what's the worst thing that could happen?

I think it's good to do what jaybee suggests - arrange another meet-up time in the park initially then take things from there.

I don't know how old your child is, Scoobysnax, but you could also chat to the other mothers about what local toddler groups, nurseries or schools their child attends. Also ask about classes like toddler music and swimming. If they wax lyrical on something that has open membership, say you'd be interested in taking your child along, find out what where and when the session is and ask when the playground person is going next etc

I think it's flattering to be asked for your phone number by a stranger, but some people might get second thoughts about arranging a meeting on the phone unless they see you a few times more. So don't take it personally if nothing comes of this. But as someone else says, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have been asked for my phone number by parents several times in the past, with promises to phone me since our children have got on so well. The promised phone calls never materialised, now what does that mean I wonder?
Probably the scrap of paper with number gets scrunched up and lost.
good luck!

Mothers and Toddlers is good too, as you get to know the mums first, slowly, and can weed out the ones that you'd like to see seperately. I have one friend now who I met this way, and I am thinking of asking a couple of others to meet up too. I know what you mean, it is so hard to muster up the courage, especially if you are normally shy. This time last year I was so lonely, but I now have a small circle of friends that I meet, and I rarely have a week when I am not busy at least three days out of the five.

You'll probably find that there are not many mums who have so many freinds that they can't do with another one. They would probably be really pleased to be asked for coffee. I did meet a mum at the baby clinic, who I met a few times, but she wasn't my 'type' so to speak, and I didn't 'phone her again. However, she didn't 'phone me either, so either she felt the same way, or got the message. What I am trying to say is that you don't HAVE to be best friends immediately, but it might happen that you meet someone who will become an important friend over time. If you don't ask, you'll never know.

Have fun.

'Friends' even - moral: do preview before posting!

Is it friends in general you're after or the specific ones you meet at your park? In the UK it's likely that your local NCT branch has regular meetings at peoples houses or at parks etc. Their enquiry line 0870 444 8707 or [email protected]

I'd be happy enough to swap phone numbers in the park if I got chatting to someone.

You got me thinking how I met my "mummsy" friends:

a few through antenatal classes
one on the same street with baby of same age
one through the internet
two friends of internet friend
one (new one) through an article in a local newspaper about something that interested me- so internet friend rang and now we've all met
another I'll be seeing later in the week through a coffee monring group I set up locally

So yeah- go for it.....

Thanks to everyone for the advice! I think if I hit it off really well with someone again I will just go for it and scribble off my phone number - as has been said, what is there to lose? (I'm not actively looking for more or new friends, its just that every so often someone turns up who seems irresistible!)

I think all these messages were very good advice, but what about the mums whose children are older (ie 7 and 11) and who stand in the playground alone, because everyone has basically made friends through their children and I somehow got left behind (mainly through working a lot). Any advice on how to make friends in this situation, and how to 'break' into a group of people without seeming pushy, which is what I tend to do out of shyness. Thanks

I don't think I'd have the confidence to swap numbers with someone in the park, but what about people who you might meet regularly at child related things, such as : Story time at your local library, Mother & toddler groups or Soft play at your local leisure centre.
Go to things a couple of weeks on the trot, and see if the same people turn up, then approch them, might seem less pushy.

Just read nelly 59 post, what about at parties or swimming/dance classes, cubs etc.Don't the same people turn up every week to pick up/ wait for their kids.

nelly59 - have you got the opportunity to do any voluntary work? I find that's a great way to meet new friends as you automatically have something in common (quite honestly I much prefer it to just meeting someone else because she's a 'mum' - no offence to anyone intended) - or try a book club if you like reading, or aerobics/keep fit -or a 'Ladies Club' - don't knock it till you've tried it!! - these are all ways I have made new friends over the last two years when I moved to an area where I knew no one - now I have a huge circle of friends.

Nelly - I know what you mean about appearing pushy. There is a very fine line isn't there?! However, no-one would think that you were pushy for saying 'Hi' and smiling. If you do this a few times, some of the women might start to chat to you. My ds is only 20 months, so it is easier to chat to other mums at M & T groups etc, but I do know what you mean. This time last year I was really lonely, and it has taken a lot of work but I now have a reasonable circle of friends, and am busy at least three days out of five. My dh jokes that I have a job fitting house work into my busy social calendar!

It is hard work, and you often have to accept invitations to things that you don't think that you will enjoy. You might not enjoy them, but you might get chatting to someone who you could make friends with. The other thing is to not expect friendships to happen overnight. Sorry if this sounds patronising, it is not meant that way! I totally empathise with your situation.

As your children are older, joining a club or evening class would be easier for you. Join something that you are likely to really enjoy, so that, even if you don't get any friends out of it you will still have fun. People tend to respond to happy/not desperate people, and can sense someone who is lonely. It is so unfair, and my dh always says that I am too friendly and nice to people, which is why I didn't have loads of friends. I always found it amazing that people I knew who were less concerned about other people's feelings seemed to have loads of friends, when I was sitting at home lonely. Since I have been a bit 'cooler' about making friends, I seem to have made more.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Thanks especially Chinchilla, I think you are right, sometimes I let my loneliness show and I am always eager to help and fit in with other people so maybe I should start being a bit laid back and try not to try too hard. I have just joined an evening class, so I'm hoping to get on well there. I am going to have to say 'no' when people ask me to do something for them and it is n't convenient, they won't like me any less.
Nelly

Good luck with the class Nelly!

nelly59- how are you getting on now?