please help...dp seeing someone else

[hollygoesnuts]

Am new to mumsnet but need help here.

DP of 13 years has confessed he has kissed and talked with another woman at work. I am gutted. We have dd aged one who was longed for. I know i havent been the most affectionate partner but we both have issues from our backgrounds that are difficult to deal with. I love him and I think he loves me

He says he's not had sex with this woman but i am so angry and hurt - she lives locally. I see her about town. She knows about me and dd.

Dp wants to stay on sofa tonight (he stayed at his brother's last night) but I am not sure this is a good idea. Want him to have good relationship with dd but think we both need help. Dont know though if relationship can survive this.

I work p/t and money is impossible. He can't afford to rent anywhere.

Please help.

I don't know if he is testing me either - I don't know anything. Just totally confused and betrayed.

Any advice welcome

Has he given you any indication of why decided to tell you?

you say you don't know anything. You need to start asking questions and if he wants your relationship to work he should be prepared to answer then honestly.

He was really quiet for a week or so (but we hadn't been getting on that well) and he wasnt talking, the ow had kept staring at me until I asked him why then she stopped - obviousl i thought, he had said something...

so I asked him outright about her and he 'confessed' but insists they've not had sex jst kissed...

should he stay night on sofa?

He is ringing me insisting nothing has hapened. I honestly never thought he would do this to me. I am starting to blame myself. I haven't been loving enough to him.

you all work together?

You shouoldn't blame yourself, where did you get that idea from?

I think it would be perfectly acceptable to tell him he can't share your bed until you have had time to think about what you want to do.

But if you've kissed someone, surely that means that you intend to have sex with them?

I think an ultimatum is required here - which on one side is that he cuts all contact with this woman. How you proceed from there depends I guess on what you want for the future of the relationship.

IMO, it was a pretty selfish thing for him to do in telling you at all if it was only a kiss.

If that's all it was then there can only be hurt for you in him telling you(if he seriously wants to be with you). He could have just realised his mistake, buried it, and concentrated on making it right with you if that's what he wanted. It should have been his burden to carry since he created it.

Seems like he wants to unburden himself of his guilt and probably make out that it was something minor so the damage isn't terminal to your relationship.

I have been here and I feel for you. I know the gut-wrenching feeling you are experiencing when you find this out. You will have a million questions in your head and be really desperate for answers (but please start to come to terms now with the fact that you probably won't get them) I agree with the ultimatum thing. He has to commit to you and cut off the other person 100% or it will just drag on. Even then, that might not be enough for you. Only you can know what is.