should i go back to dh

[littlemucky]

I left dh a couple of months ago as things have been bad for a long time and he did not seem to be putting in much effort to improving things. I also thought xp and i made a mistake by splitting up (i have name changed sorry) and as i had nowhere else to go i went to stay at his house.

We've hadly slept together for 2 years (started as he snores but will not lose weight even though doc said this should sort the problem). We;ve also had hideeous rows some of which ds has overheard. Our counsellor thnks he may be a bit aspergic (he doesn't agree) and he also displays all the signs of passive aggressive behaviour,

However i also thought all my love for him had gone but now i'm not so sure. he can make me feel lovely and i;, missing him too. He's made little attempt to get me back but has says he misses me and the time we have spend togther when i've dropped off ds has made him happy. also he said he's sad when i leave and he still loves me.

At the moment i'd love to give him a call for a chat but i don't know what to do. I'm considering talking ot dh , telling him that xp and i considered a future but i rhink now i wnat to stay with dh. i know its a terrbel mess and i've been so stupid, i just need a sympathetic ear, please

Well it doesn't sound like he's flogging himself to get you back - he's saying the right words but nowt else?

I'd take my time making this decision (and do not let the sentimentality of the season cloud your decision).

Has he lost weight since you left?

Has he displayed any other passive aggressive behaviour?

If he wasn't prepared to change before you left and hasn't changed since you left, what do you reckon the chances are for improvement once you return?

You're a long time lookin' at the lid.

He's put on weight since i left. whenever i go back to the house, there is loads of unhealthy food n the fridge and the bin is full of empty crisp packets, icecream etc. He's also drinking beer again which is one f the things which makes the snoring worse.

His passive aggressive behaviour involves trying his best to do things to please me and then if we have a row complaining about things he's done, not taking responsibility for his part in relationship problems, inability to accept critisism, wasting money by putting dishwasher on to wash a handful of things , giving ds food when he has hi that he knows is bad for him (chocolate, etc). he never had chocolate when were were together, ignoring issues rather than talking about them, unable to stop shouting in front of ds if really angry.

Why can i be thinking of going back????

Sounds to me like he is just feeling sorry for himself - there is no way you should go back to him unless you can see for yourself that he has actually changed for the better.

He hasn't said or done anything in the time i've been away that suggests anything would be different. When i was ill a couple of weeks ago and had to go to hospital, he was lovely and visited me in hospital and even took me back to xp's house as it was past ds's bedtime.

xp is certain he wants is ot be together and i know he' d never hurt me like dh has, but alos the intensity of the feeling i have arent;t the same

maybe you shouldn't be with either of them. A man is not obligatory. I can't see that getting back with DH would work unless he shows willingness to change which he doesn't, and get the feeling you are using XP as an escape route, which is also unfair. Try moving out with your son (if you can) and see how that goes.

littlemucky/vbadindeed/mymittens,

I am about to sound rude, which I hate and don't mean to and don't want to do, but I have to ask:

What do you hope to achieve by constantly namechanging, re-presenting a very distinctive situation, asking for advice, getting it, and then ignoring it and starting all over again?

You seem very troubled, and also to want a very specific answer which you're not getting from mumsnet. What is it? If you could figure it out, I think you'd be closer to sorting the situation yourself.

FWIW, having followed your threads for a while, I don't think either man can be right for you if you're so torn between them. Whether you agree with me or not, I hope you can make the right decision for you and your DS.

Agree with frazzlegirl.

I have a friend like this who rehashes the same problem over and over. She doesn't choose to listen to any sensible options. She waits till someone gives her the "wrong" advice, which is what she wants to hear. Then things get worse or stay the same and she wonders why??????

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but really you have to take the advice or not, but repeating the problem over and over and changing names does not solve it.

So on that note I say, go back to your husband because that is probably what you want to hear.

without even reading this thread or the Op teh answer is no.

if youneed to come online and ask teh opinion of "strangers" then clearly things aren't right and you should sort them out first.

you will know if you are ready to reform a relationship with him. until you are aching to be back with him, don;t be

This is a groundhog thread isn't it?

OP is clutching at straws re her DHs behaviour, and seems to want to go back to him for the flimsiest of reasons.

As another poster said, it sounds as if she wants us to say, go back to your DH.

Nobody can make that decision for somebody else. He sounds like he hasn't changed or made any effort to change, but if it's what you want to do, then do it. Our advice is neither here nor there.

Oh dear, not again.

We've read the same story before. Responses will not be different/more sympathetic because you've name changed.

You need to be out of both relationships and spend some time alone, standing on your own two feet and considering your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever you say about your dh your own behaviour has been far from virtuous and the mess will only continue to deepen unless you spend time alone.

Repeat ad nauseum.

i feel really sorry for your ds in all this. you have exposed him to the acrimonious / violent? relationship between you and his dad, then you've taken him from home to live with another man with whom you're in some sort of relationship.... and know you're wondering whether to take him back where he atarted even though nothing seems to have happened to lead you to believe anything will be different.

i too recognise your story from numerous other threads. as i've said before i think you need to grow up and become more emotionally mature so as to prioritise your ds's needs.

hth but i expect it's not what you want to hear....

Havent posted on this thread before but I did read your original post. You need to put son first, forget you and your relationships. Stand on your own 2 feet and look after your son and show him the correct way to behave. ou are his sole stable parent and he will learn from you. He shouldnt have to watch while you decide which man you want and ultimately where he will end up living and who with! Sorry I know that I am being blunt but come on - you should hear yourself

For crying out loud, your poor dh has done nothing but take criticism from you for months and months. Your posts (under all your names), show you to be so totally self centred that I really doubt you could ever have a rewarding relationship with any man. Every single post I have ever read from you, is designed to make your DH look bad.You want to be the entire reason for his existence. You tell us snippets of information which show him in a bad light until you eventually admit that actually, it wasn't quite as you portrayed. eg: he broke your fingers by slamming them in a door, which later turned out to be a genuine accident. You told him constantly how rubbish he was in every way, and left him to live with your xp. Of course, you failed to tell him that you were sleeping with xp and allowed him to believe you were there only as friends. Why should he put himself out in any way to get you back. It sounds like he is well rid of you and your utterly selfish ways. I think you should see if any major political party needs a new spin doctor because you are so good at putting a spin on any situation. I also think you should move out to live on your own with your ds, stop looking to a man, whether xp or dh, to make you happy and invest in a full length mirror. You can then have a fulfilling relationship with the person in the irror as tbh, that is the only person you appear to really care about.