Can a relationship recover from rock bottom?

[rockbottom]

Hi
I have changed my name for this one as you never know who might be logging on to Mumsnet. Basically to cut a long story short, dh and I have always had an up and down relationship. However since the birth of ds 16 months ago it has been much more down than up I suppose for obvious reasons (lack of intimacy, sleep, extra stress, some jealousy over shift in relationship etc...). On Sunday we had what I would call the "mother" of all arguments. I know I am not blameless in this scenario, but dh is very uncompromising (in my opinion) and is not the type who would ever go to counselling... My question is, has anybody ever got their relationship back from what seemed a completely hopeless situation without the help of counselling? Dh has just been particularly cold towards me on his way to bed (we are not sleeping in the same room and haven't been for a long time) and I suddenly feel totally horrible...

Yes I know a relationship can survive, (if that is what you really want deep down), when I had ds the relationship with DH changed greatly and when he was about the same age as your, we almost split up because of constant bickering and a lot of nasty fighting. (Added to the problem that I had PND, but thats another story).

We sat down and had one of those conversations and even planned on him moving out and when he was going to see DS etc etc, well when he was about to walk out that door we looked at each other and both cried. We then spent ages working hard at the relationship and still do now, I realised he was not getting enough attention, I arranged for my parents to have DS for the weekend and took him away for a few days, we had a lovely time and realised we love each other and its worth fighting for.

Have you sat down with DH and explained exactly how you both feel. Try writing it down as we do tend to chip in when the other is speaking. Is it possible to get a sitter and take him out somewhere, make a fuss of him for a bit, romantic meal at home with candles in you can't get a sitter. It is worth a try and if it does go t*ts up then at least you will know in your heart that you gave it your best shot.

Saying that most of my friends had relationship troubles before their children came along.

Good luck,

I have a story very similar to Breeze. DP and I reached rock bottom about 2 or 3 weeks. We had a HUUUUGE argument, DP told me he didn't love me anymore and we decided all the practicalities of how we could split up. However, when we talked more and calmed down we realised that this was not what we wanted... he said he still loved me and only said things to hurt me (and vice versa) coz he's so frustrated. We realised that we would always be the type of couple who would argue etc, but I do love him and he loves me and we don't want to split our family up. It's been great for the past few days and long may it continue. We got a few home truths off of our chest with the last argument and I think it's just what we needed!

So hang in there, it doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. Relationships are SUCH hard work aren't they, especially when a baby comes along, but as long as you both still love each other you have a chance to make it work and be happy again.

Good luck. XXX

rockbottom, breeze has written our story too! You can sort it out, you can rekindle the love but you have to both want to and you have to both make a huge effort. What have I learnt after six months of hell? Not to take my marriage for granted and not to assume that loving someone and being there is enough. Do things together without the children and remind yourselves of what it was you loved about each other in the first place, sometimes it's things you no longer give each other, the small things you stop doing because your living together and life has become routine. Make an effort and show you give a damn and as breeze says if it doesn't work out you will at least know you have given it your best shot.

Winnie1, has hit the nail on the head, it is the small things that we stop doing, I remember I used to get DH silly soppy little cards and write I love you in the butter or sending silly texts to each other. Little things like that makes the other feel special and if I am honest does not take up a lot of time.

I'm getting this incredible urge to send dp a soppy txt message now!!
You've inspired me! It is nice when you start to see the results of you both trying a wee bit harder.... dp and I actually had a laugh together the other night and last night we cuddled up on the sofa!!!!!!! Unheard of a few weeks ago!

It's nice to be reminded of what you saw in them in the first place..... even if they are a bit fatter and baldier now!

Rockbottom - it can be done I'm happy to say....

And if you have trouble getting a babysitter there's no harm in pointing out to people that your marriage is at stake - I would willingly babysit for my friends/family if it helped them to preserve their relationship and I'm sure you could return the favour another time.

Rockbottom, I'm really sorry to hear of your situation. I personally think between 12 and 18 months can be a lot harder for people than life with a newborn. Our relationship never reached a crisis point as described by you and others here, but we did go through a rocky few months at about the same time in ds' life as you are. (coincidence - it's when I discovered Mumsnet and realised I wasn't alone in this).
Like others, I think Breeze's advice sounds right and true (and it worked for her!). Maybe you should go into that bedroom tonight and perch on the end of the futon or whatever. It's never the best time of day for a chat but if your house is anything like ours it's the only time...
And Judetheobscure is also right to say that any pal would babysit pronto if they felt their friends were in difficulties. I would - it's one of the few practical ways you can help friends in this situation. Best of luck.
Winnie1 - such a long time since we heard from you and so sorry to hear things have been so horrible. You've been missed.

Rockbottom - I suspect your DH is probably feeling horrible too, but it sounds like you're not close enough and open enough to each other at the moment for him to show those sort of feelings. I would call my dp uncompromising too, and thought he would never agree to counselling. But after a long bad spell, he actually suggested it. Can you tell him how you feel without implying criticism and starting a row?

Counselling got us up from rock bottom, and though I wouldn't call our relationship perfect by any means, it has helped us to recognise when we're approaching the brink again and how to pull ourselves back.

Marina, thank you for missing me! I've been reading Mumsnet again for a couple of weeks just to catch up but find myself compelled to join in... so it seems I am back! Congratulations on your pregnancy, I have been thinking of you and your family. Best wishesx

Rockbottom, how are you?

I'm fine thank you. Thanks for your messages everybody. It's good to know other people have come back from the "brink". I think the suggestions about trying to make your partner feel good are great - at the moment however I think our big argument has done some good since we are being more distant with but also more respectful of each other. Maybe we needed this row to stop CONSTANTLY bickering... I'm not at the stage of talking to him about this - in any case he has never been the kind of person whom you can do that with (unfortunately because I think I am), but he does talk in other ways which I have learnt to recognise...
We have quite a few "issues" but they don't feel as explosive as they did before the weekend... I think the argument has maybe made us more aware of the ways in which we are both really annoying the other... Whether these things will improve or not I don't yet know! I will move on to the "be nicer and more loving" thing when I am ready! For now I am just enjoying the relative peace and quiet!!
Marina, how do you know we have futons in the house????

I am new to all this, having never been part of a forum like this before. It is comforting to read that other people go through the same thing. My dh and I had a huge blow up this morning after months of constant bickering. I asked him to move out. Then we both stopped and went for a coffee (when we should have been going to work)and had a chat. The problem is I work full time and so does he, because he works such long hours and socialises with his work colleagues I am left with looking after our 2 year old a lot of the time by myself. THe past few months I have felt like a single parent. This morning he told me he loves me and agreed that we can't go on like this anymore, but I just don't know what to do. I am so unhappy. I love him and our son but I have no confidence at all, convinced he is going to leave although he says he would never do that. I go out with my friends for dinner etc now and again and that helps. I just feel that I have lost my smile and everything is so heavy all of the time. I don't want to go to the doctor but can't help wondering whether this is postnatal (albeit very post) I am embarrassed at the thought of going onto pills and not convinced this is the answer. I want to start enjoying my life again but just can't feel breezy enough to do it. I miss the old confident me so much. HAs anyone been through this? I feel so alone.

Sorry to hear that morph. Suggest to dh that instead of him socializing with work colleagues that you both get a babysitter in and have a night out together and try and rekindle some of the old feelings for eachother.It should do you both the world of good.Hope everything works out for the best.P.S Try and make it a regular night ie; once week, month etc. It gives you both that free time for eachother and something to look forward to.

Oh Morph sorry you feel so bad just now, but you've come to the right place!!

I didn't go the docs with PND until DS was 18mths old... it can happen like that so it may well be you are clinically depressed. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH!!

There are many ways to combat PND before going onto AD's. I was recommended a Homeopathic remedy from my GP called Sepia. It was marvellous, especially around the time of my period when I get quite bad. I've told a few Mumsnetters and friends about it and they all find it works really well. It also seems to help with the struggle to come off AD's after taking them for a while. It's totally natural, so you should give it a try.

I know what you mean about losing your smile, but there is help out there and you should try to speak to your GP about.

As for your relationship problems... you've made a step in the right direction by sitting and talking about it. Perhaps the big argument was required to get a few home truths out so you can move on. You should also point out to him that you need more time to youself and the nights out should be split 50/50! That should help to boost your confidence and once you get your PND (if it is that) under control you should feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders.

You should read the Post Natal Depression - 2 thread... there's loads of different opinions and good advice there to help you.

And you can ALWAYS chat to somebody on Mumsnet.

Hope that helps you. And good luck.

thanks you have no idea how much that helped. its just one of those days that everything seems to have caved in. I will try that homeopathic remedy, I ahve been taking St JW and to be honest it isn't doing anything. Its just all so irrational. I know my dh loves me, I just miss the times before when we had such a great relationship and although we had our ups and downs, it hasn't been this bad for ages. I don't want to go to the doctor, I know he'll just prescribe pills and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life relying on things like that. i've got friends who have been pill popping on and off for years and there problems just never seem to go away. We have a night out on saturday with friends, which should help. I know facing the problem together is the most important thing and this morning we suddenly realised how bad it had got, although I don'tthink its unfixable. My dh doesn't think its that bad at all and just wants me to be happy again. I just wish it was that easy. I think I've felt like this since my ds was born, I've just had good months and bad and this is a bad one. My cycle is also all over the place which doesn't help, i am sure its all connected one way or another. what a mess, but at least I know that we both want it to be better, if I could only keep a hold of my insecurities enough to get some breathing space, I just know things could get better.

Morph - It's quite scary!! You're last post almost mirrors what I wrote on Mumsnet in December!!

I too was scared to go to the GP coz I didn't want pills, but I was lucky that the female Doc I spoke to is quite keen to encourage homeopathic alternatives. My PND started just days after ds was born, but I hid it and made up other excuses as to why I felt like that. My whole world collapsed around me and it seemed to me to be everybody elses fault (except ds's). I just wanted to be happy and couldn't understand why I wasn't!!

DP couldn't understand either so he got very distant toward me. Things will get better, just talking about it on Mumsnet really helped me. I suddenly realised that their are LOADS of mums out there feeling exactly the same and many are much worse. take comfort in the fact that you are normal and you just have to find your happy balance again. If you need a wee bit extra help along the then who cares.... the end result is what matters.

Your dh will probably never understand (typical man!!), but he can learn to help you, or at least learn how not NOT aggravate the situation.

You obviously still love each other lots and that's the best place to start.

We still have bad days, but they are much fewer than the good days now.

You'll soon be laughing again!

hi morph i felt very similar to you when my ds was almost three so i was very post! i had shrugged off possible pnd and didnt think for one minute that i had it. when i finally did see my doctor he said i had made things worse by bottling everthing up inside for so long. i took prozac for only two weeks but they really affected my sleep so i stopped taking them but when i did i realised i felt 100 times better just because i'd talked to someone.once it's out in the open it feels like a big weight has been lifted and after weeks of drifting apart from my dh we had a really good heart to heart. he'd had no idea how i'd been feeling. we did exactly what some of the moms have suggested already and went to london for a weekend (without the kids) it was like a tonic we actually held hands in hyde park in public something we hadn't done for a long time

thinking of you and good luck

that goes for you too rockbottom

Batters, thanks for the message! It's good to be back.

Morph, can I just add don't assume you are clinically depressed. It sounds as if life is pretty tough at the moment for you and you may simply be very 'down'.

However, it is definately worth seeing your GP just in case. I would also like to say whether you are clinically depressed or not, don't take on the responsibility of the situation as your fault. Does that make sense?

My husband and I hit rockbottom six months after the death of my father and I blamed myself because I'd got depressed and hadn't coped well. What I realised in retrospect (six months later again) was that I'd carried the responsibility for our relationship problems because it had been so easy to see everything as my fault as I'd been depressed. Once I realised that this was in fact two sided an enormous shake up took place because until that point it had been me and me alone making all of the effort.

You definately need time alone together, something to look forward to, and effort put in from both parties.

One thing that has been really good for us is getting time alone on a weekday occassionally when we'd usually both be working. We both have to make an effort by booking time off or rearranging schedules (so we both have had to make the effort) & the children are at school and the childminders as usual and somehow it just feels incredibly wicked and self indulgent.

HTH

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