hello mumsnetters
I have changed my name for this post because everything has got so complicated. I am sorry it is such a long one - at times it sounds like an episode of Desperate housewives.
DH moved out several months ago - very unhappy in marriage as was I - could not stand to stay any longer. Also confessed to relationship with other woman. His words: "I got to know her, became friends, had sex twice but felt too guilty to have affair, she got boyfriend, kept being friends, developed feelings for her, she split from boyfriend, rejected me,I am very upset" At which point he left me. We are separated but not finished - still love each other but so much pain and anger do not know how to go back. Have seen each other quite a lot, mainly with DD too, and had some good times. But we have tried very hard to be kind to each other at those times, and avoided talking about any of the bad stuff. We are going to counselling to see if we can make it work, or agree to make it more permanent. I do not know which I want.
I went to pieces for the first few weeks after he left. Rock bottom was after he lied to me about going away for a weekend. Spent it with her, then for some reason, confessed all to me 2 days later. After that I slowly started to look after me a bit, as well as DD. Started running, lost some weight, started going out more with girlfriends etc. Tried not to think about dh and me until conselling starts which is next month. After a few weeks of this started to feel alive again in everyway including getting my sex drive back. Marriage has been sexless for years!
Cue the desperate housewives bit. Agree with DH that, since we may split finallly, and since the house is a tip, we will spend a bit of the bonus he got on redecorating some of it. In walks very nice, friendly, easy to chat to decorator. We chat, we drink coffee, he stands too close to me, we flirt. After three weeks of this, I come back from end of term, we are relocating after 20 years, lunchtime party, having had a couple of glasses of wine He has finished the job and has had a beer, the next thing we are almost in bed! Except that I do not want to have sex with someone I don't know very well, never mind all the "Am I only doing this to get back at my husband, make myself feel better" thoughts. But neither does this guy, who says he has never done anything like this before, and would rather get to know me, walk in the park, hold hands etc, before doing anything else. So we end up having dinner, at which point DH turns up (DD is out at a sleepover) throws him out, and accuses me of full blown affair.
That was just over a week ago. Since then DH and me have been through the mill several times. He has ranted at me, and told me I am the love of his life. I do not know want I want from him, I just feel very confused, hurt, angry, etc etc
As for the other guy we have seen each other a couple of times for a walk, coffee, chat. I know he is not someone I would want to be with longterm. But the affection and tenderness he is offering is so appealing. Uncomplicated. But if I see him I have to lie and lie and lie, which is not the way I want to behave. And if DH knew I was seeing him, even though he continues, I think, to see this other woman, he would think it means I have given up on the marriage. Just writing it all down makes me feel so anxious and so sad. DD is an only, and we have always been very close, but, perhaps because she senses that the crunch is very close, she is quite clingy. I would love some time on my own, not just when she is at school, but a couple of days away where no one knows me, just to sit and think.
Any way I shall stop now because this is already far longer than I intended. Does anyone have any advice? I really need some.