Do I Walk away and not look back?

[rachsol]

This is my first message posted on mumsnet so please bear with me, also I could be a long one lol.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 9 months, first for him and second for me, there is a ten year age gap me being the oldest and right from the beginning its been a rollercoaster of a relationship, lots of ups and downs, splitting up and getting back together after a couple of days but this latest split is different as I have finally realised I cant go on like this anymore, to cut along story short there is no trust between us, he has never slept with anyone else but has got girls no's after spending all nite in a bar talking and drinking with them, he has kissed and cuddled one of our friends and regularly talks to 2 of his exes on facebook and by text even about our relationship!! there has been violence, the police has been called several times and he treats my son from my previous marriage completely diff from our 2 girls and is very strict with him as his behaviour isnt great due to him hving adhd and aspergers syndrome. he hates my mum and my brother, can be very controlling, wanted me to delete my facebook acc even tho he had his. dont get me wrong I know I have my faults and someties Im a moody cow but Its got to the point where neither one of us can do or say anything without it being taken the wrong way or it starting a huge row. he has moved back to his mums and has the girls equally with me during the week but theres no communication unless its arguing by text which always leads to him telling me to F..k off or calling me names like C..t or twat and I just cant listen to it anymore, but I cant seem to walk away and stay away either and I know I have too for me, my son and my sanity, if you have managed to get thru this essay, thank u and please advise x

What kind of advice do you want?
You've said that you can walk away..?

Sorry you're going through this
My first impression is that there has been violence and he has no respect for you (name calling, overbearing behaviour etc).
So my advice would be to go, although I'm aware this is an easy thing to say and not so easy to do.
Would the girls stay with you? Do you have a support network outside of him?

I don't know what to advise. You want to stay apart? And you need advice on how to stay strong and apart from him?
DO you work? The reason I ask is I think one way to stay away from him is to keep yourself busy.
Also do not enter into arguments with him and consider purchasing another sim card so you can control when you deal with his calls/texts?
Every time he calls you a name refuse to go any further with the conversation and repeat to him like a broken record 'do not call me names'.
I don't know if that will help?

You need to get out. He's violent, abusive, treats your son badly and is controlling. I can't think of a single reason why you should stay. So yes, walk away. You'll have to come to contact arrangements re your DDs, and it won;t be straightforward, but you'll be so much happier a year from now.

0808 2000 247 National Domestic Violence Helpline - freephone

They'll be able to talk you through all the practicalities and legalities of what you NEED to do (leave - and stay away)

Good luck, be brave

Thank you for your replies, I suppose I want someone to tell me how to stay away because im strong enough when hes being nasty but after a couple of weeks he starts saying nice things and saying he oves me and misses me but I honestly dont think he does love me I think he just dosent want to be on his own. even tho i know its the right thing to do its so hard at this time of year, we would carry on having the girls equally cos despite everything else he is a good dad to them and they adore him, i have good friends and family who all agree with what im doing but because it was so bad I think they forget its still hard and that I still miss him, he did have his good points and could be a lovely man, it just never lasted very long, we couldnt even go on honeymoon for a week without an almighty row, what does that tell you. Im starting a access college course in Jan to become a midwife because i want to make something of myself and he even knocked that and said it would be too hard with the kids and id never manage it and why couldnt I have done it when we were together! I just need to learn how to not listen to the nice side of him and stay strong, I know he has no respect for me, just before he left we had a nite out planned, nice romantic meal, id piced out the dress i was going to buy to impress him and then he said we couldnt afford it so it got to that sat nite and he came downstairs dressed up to go out and didnt come back til 3 the next morning, fell asleep on the sofa till 10 when i came downstairswith the kids, got up and went back to bed til 2 then went out til 5, came back and expected me to act like nothing happened, thats what led to this lat and final split, i just want to be appreciated, respected and loved and i just feel hated by him, sorry for waffling

He's already moved out, maybe formalise it. Try and keep access etc as business like as you can. Do not reply to abusive texts (keep a record tho). Maybe given time you will have a functioning partnership as dc's parents. Not as husband and wife though, it sounds far to bitter and unpleasant - you don't want dc to live in an atmosphere of constant rows. I spent Saturday with my ex and dc, and ds said to his dad that he used to be horrible and make me cry - he was only 3, would've thought all forgotten. My ex admitted yes he was horrible. You can get to a point where you are civil again, but you need to change the relationship first.

Get rid. And I do not normally say that. My H can be a right arse but nothing like you have described. I have a son with High Functioning Autism and the thought of someone treating him badly and strictly for stuff he cant help breaks my heart. He sounds bloody awful and you sound really brave. This man will never appreciate, respect and love you the way you want. He even treats your child badly.

Thank you for your support, I have to do this for my son because things got so bad between them that my son moved in with his grandparents just to get away from him, and his family are the same we got a xmas card from h's nephew that his mum, my sis in law had written and it was only addressed to the girls, my son had been deliberately left off so they will never accept him, he will always be an outcast, why would i put him thru that, im scared of being on my own, this is my second marriage break up in 4 years, first one not my fault and i just feel such a failure and so alone.