My Mum treats me pretty shabbily.....still

[AdelaideJo]

Hi All,

I have a rather strange relationship with my mother; we were estranged (my choice) for 10 years due to her and my step-father's abusive parenting style during my teenage years - think "but we took you to stately homes" thread and you get the idea.

My DS is 9 months old and so far she's been pretty good with him. She lives about 40 minutes away on the train and visits about once a fortnight/3 weeks. I don't go to her and his house as I can't bear to be there and it brings out a depressed/angry stressy response in me and makes me feel very low self-esteem.

This morning I called her to ask if she would be able to help me look after my DS tomorrow as I have a viral infection a bit like mumps and am feeling terrible. She said she couldn't as........she was having her nails done. Now this is the second time she hasn't been able to visit for this very reason and its making me feel very hurt and unloved (Mum is an expert at this). I find it pathetic actually.

I'm torn between calling her and asking her if she really believes that its normal for a grandmother to deny helping out her daughter/grandson for a manicure, and isn't she a bit embarrassed? or just tucking this sadness away and saying "isn't it typical". My DP has called her an "idiot" this morning and I have to say, while it makes me angry, it also makes me embarrassed in front of my DP - what must he think?

I'm trying to hold it together today but really I just want to bawl my head off on my boyfriends shoulder and never speak to her again. I can't call my Father for support as he hates the very ground she walks on and would just rub his hands together. By the way, when I last asked my Dad for help when I was sick it wasn't a very pleasant exchange.

Basically, I have 2 parents who hate each other, and sometimes act as if they don't love me. I'm sure many posters on here have the same problem. I guess what I need is some gee'ing up to stop this morning's phone call about bloody manicures making me turn the anger inwards (an old bad habit).

Ta x

You have a mum who clearly doesn't understand the concept of dropping everything to help her beloved daughter. Most people would be willing to help their friends out if they were ill let alone their children. It's really really hurtful.

You must never ever put yourself in a position where she can hurt you again. Never ask her for help because she doesn't appear to understand the notion that her daughter may need her.

I know it's really hard but you can't afford to invest any trust in her. And certainly don't allow any children you have to regard her as someone to turn to. Break the cycle.

Agree that you shouldn't put yourself in a position like this again (how dare you get ill) .

I would try and build up my friends network so you have others on hand to ask.

What about dp's family or do you have any brothers or sisters you should ask.

I am sorry that you are not very well, but I find it strange that you have an estranged relationship with your mother - through your own choice and then you meet up and have a still distant relationship (you dont visit the house/home) - then want your mother to drop everything and help you when you are not well. Pehaps it is an excuse as your mother doesn't want to get to involved and get herself hurt, so she makes the nails excuse to prevent you getting to close with your dc, her grandchild as you may coose to become estranged again.

Fine have a distant friendship aquantance style relationship but please dont then want a close relationship when it suits you.

Dont get hurt dont ask for help, yes it is hurtful to be refused, easier to not ask for help.

i know what you are saying adel as im pretty much in the same boat as you were parents and evil are concerned.

For me what works is to never ask her for help, see her only very occasionally, every 5/6 weeks or so and sadly i never take my son to see her either. i go by myself.
Its easier that way.