I think my marriage could be over - please help

[Broodymomma]

I am sat here alone in absolute tears and I think I have just realised my marriage is finished. I really need some opinions or advice on this.

I will cut a long story as short as i can. DH and i together 10 years married for 6. Have one child who we waited years for and went through several ivf's to get.

Dh lost his father suddenly 3 years ago, he has a brother who lives 10 mins from his mother. Since his fathers death we have made the 80 mile round trip to visit his mother twice a week. When i went back to work we agreed that as i work every other weekend the weekends i was working he would take ds to his mum and the weekend i was off we would visit my parents and have one day just the three of us. Please dont think this is a mil hating thing as its not - we get on great and i have no problem visiting her.

My problem is its never worked out that way. DH gos there almost every single weekend wether im working or not. As he does nothing to help around the house i have started saying sometime no just you go and i will get the house down. As i have been late shift weekend i decided to take today off so we could spend it together. I was lateshift yesterday and dh could have took ds to his mum then ut they never. This morning i said "what we all going to do today then" and dh said "we are going to my mums". I probably looked peed off and just said "you could have went yessterday - i thought we were doing something the three of us today i have takne the day off work" to tahe he raises his voice infront of ds and says "well you come up with something to do then im not sittign aroudn here all day" - i just looked at him and think i realised i have had enough. I walked away from hom saying "whatever do what you want" the next thing he is saying that im a "fucking idiot". All of this infront of our 20 month old son. I asked him to stop it and he said "you are causing the argument". I walked away and gave it time to calm down them asked him in a normal tone "what time will you be back should i make ds his tea" - to which he replied "i dont know when i will be back" and just went with ds.

Both my parents are very ill and he knows i have this strain on me and he does very little to help with it. When we are together he hardly even talks to me - i try talk to him and he answers shortly and thats it. He spends all his time after ds goes to bed on the laptop - we honestly hardly talk and i have tried to talk to him about that and he just falls out with me. I cant talk to him without it turning into an argument.

I feel if he put a quarter of the effort into his marriage that he does everything else we would be ok. I feel so alone and like i dont even really know him anymore.

This last year i cant think of one good time we have had just the two of us. Its liek he resents the time he spends with me. I have asked him before if he wants to spilt up and he has said no. We have said this year not to get eachother anything for xmas as we are pretty skint. Then yesterday this huge order of stuff for his mum arrived - he has also just bought her a laptop and spent over £1000 on a break away for her birthday. I feel so invisible. Its not his mums fault abd i honestly think it lovely how he is with her but its now to the detriment of us.

I sont think i can take much more. I cant believe i took an annual leave day to sit alone on the couch in tears.

Sorry i just had to get this out.

I wish I could help - poor you.

Does he know quite how rocky you think things are? Would he consider Relate counselling? Even if he won't, it might be useful for you to go on your own and talk through the issues with someone - it will help you make up your mind re whether it's worth fighting for, or whether it's time to walk away.

Could you talk to his mother about how you're feeling?

so sorry your having such a hard time. I think that your hb obviously feels very responsible for his mum since his father died. I know how he feels, although I have sisters that could also help, I too do most of the looking after and worrying when it comes to my mum, often at the expense of my hb and child. I really don't believe he doesn't care about you, but he has just got into a 'tunnel vision' state, where he assumes you can understand and focuses on his mum. My hb and I argued about my mum (who he also loves) a lot, and eventually I began to see his point of view. I still fret over her (maybe your hb's mum has a way of sweetly controlling him, the way mine has) but I have become more relaxed, and don't go there every 2 minutes like I did. Why not drop your son off with a friend/relative and accompany your hb on one of his long trips to his mum. In the confines of a car you will have his full attention, and just tell him how much you miss being alone with him sometimes, also explain that while his mum is of course very important, so are you and your son. He may be like me, and need to have it spelt out for him! All the best.

He sounds so selfish, you have been really patient and sound like a lovely person.
YOu don't deserve this.
I think the only way out is to talk about it really frankly with him (maybe show him your post here). Don't let it turn into an argument, keep your head cool.
If you don't talk about it with him it will never get resolved.

Second the talking to him and his mum ideas.

Also can you plan a date with him... that way he won't feel as if he sitting around the house when you are together. It doesn't need to be expensive. We go for a walk and have a picnic on the way.

Also we have nights where we turn the computers and the TV off, just so we can talk to each other.

Thanks everyone. Im pretty sure he knows how i feel. I have told him several times but he just wont discuss it.

When we are alone in the car so ds is asleep on teh journey there i will try to start conversations but they never go anywhere. Last time i thought lets just see what happens if i dont try and he literally never spoke to me the whole way then accused me of being in a mood when we arrived. I think it would not bug me so much if the time we were together was nice. Something has just gone. I love him to death and could not imagine spending my life without him but i look at days like today and i just thimk is it worth it. I want to be with my baby on days off and he just takes him. Its like its more important ds spends time with his gran than his own mother. I could talk to his mum about it but i dont want her feeling bad over this it is not her fault. It would appear dh would rather be anywhere with anyone than with me. I just feel at breaking point i really do. Now whenever he actually comes home i will be like this and the silent treatment will start. This is no life surely.

He is such a good man with a good heart - i look at what some people go through and i think am i seriously thinking of spliiting up my family due to lack of attention but i cant take it anymore. Any of it.

If he is good man, with a good heart, then he doesn't know how you feel, because he would have done something about.
Don't talk to him during a journey in the car. One evening when DS is sleeping, sit with him with any distractions and talk about it.

Go and pour your heart out to his mother!

Tell her about your sick parents, being skint, no Xmas presents for each other this year, no time together as a family, having to work weekends, lack of quality time etc etc.

Ask her advice as another woman and see what she has to say.

When i say talk in the car i mean just random chit chat to eachother. Nothing serious. I will try and talk about the weather, or christmas or what ds has been up to and he will answer but abruptly. Last week i said to him "talk to me hun its a long journey to sit in silence" and he said " i have nothing to say". Its like i just live with him as a flatmate or something.

We have a good life, nice house, good jobs, a gorgeous child. The last few years have really knocked the stuffing out of us both with one thing or another but i always felt if we got through that we can get through anything. However the way he has been today just seems to have put a nail in the coffin for me. Im looking around at the state he has left the hosue in and im expected just to stay here and clean it up when i took a day off tospend with him and ds.

I have to open my eyes to whats going on and admit to myself he shows no interest in me sexually, emotionally or even as a friend anymore. I dont even know if he has admitted it to himself. Talking to him just does not work, i have writtn him letters that just got thrown on the floor. He wont admit this is no way to have a marriage. He lies to me, i have cauight him out a few times. There is just so much im sat here thinking about and i cant cope anymore. Speaking to his mum is not an option im afraid. I have never spoke to anyone about this. Thats probably why im spilling my guts out here now. He would never agree to councelling - i feel completely and utterly drained in every sense of the word.

What a tough situation, it is just so difficult to get through to someone who doesn't want to listen. You've been together for a long time, you have a lovely child, don't give up, it is worth trying to resolve the problem.

I wouldn't talk to his mum, this is between you and him, I would never involved my MIL in my personal life, no way.

I really think you need to sit with him and talk very honestly and openly about how you feel. It's the only way.

well first of all i don't think you should sit at home cleaning the house when you've taken a day off work. go into town and have a coffee and read a magazine. chat to a couple of friends on the phone.

chatting on here is good to get ideas but then you need to think about what to do.

can you suggest counselling? next weekend, absolutely don't go to his mum's and take your ds to see your parents or some friends. let your dh do what he wants, but make sure you get some time to spend with your ds.

sounds like you need to look after yourself for a little bit.

I have days when I feel like this about my DH. He isn't the most chatty bloke, and left to his own devices would lie on the sofa watching crap on TV, rather than talk to me. He doesn't see it as a problem. Like you, I am always the one to make the effort- to try to come up with things we can do etc. I find if I suggest things and we make a concrete plan to DO something with the kids/ just the two of us, then he is happy to go along with it and we have a good time. I've kind of resigned myself to being the one who makes the effort, tbh, but I know he loves me really- it just matters more to me than it does to him, iyswim.

As far as his mum goes, that is tricky. I guess he feels guilty about her being on her own, and feels it his duty to visit her and make sure she gets to see your ds- maybe it is the highlight of her week. If I were you I'd maybe try to organise things so that you get time to do your own thing when he is at his mums, with a plan to do something the next weekend/ when they get back. Sometimes its easy to get in a rut, and I think we women are more sensitive over the whole issue of "quality time" than men are- sometimes I think they really don't understand that need to connect on a personal level, rather than in a day-to-day mum-and-dad kind of way. You could talk to him about how you feel, but I find my DH gets wound up with conversations like that- he sees it as I am telling him "I am not happy, and it is YOUR fault- YOU are not making me happy", so he gets defensive, and it can turn into an arguement.

I know it's pants that it seems to be one person making all the effort, but sometimes I think it's the only way to get what you want- quality time with your family/ DH. I also find that when I do make the effort, DH starts to follow, and starts making suggestions of his own, as he gets used to the fact that a specific time is set aside for family/ us. I hope you get it sorted out, because it sounds like you do love your husband- you're just feeling frustrated and a bit let-down just now. But I think the only way is to try to make positive moves, rather than to "moan" at him (as my DH sees it whenever I try to set out why I am upset) Good luck!

I think what you are missing from him is emotional support and I have been in the same situation as you with my DH, to the point that this week, we discussed separating as I could no longer carry on. Where your DH seems to be running away to his mum (it seems like he is still grieving to me) my DH runs away with his dogs (he doesn't really trust people after having a shit childhood) and they both sound like they cannot bear to feel responsible for other people.

Why not write him a letter today and let him read it when he comes home tonight. Put down all your thoughts (just like you have in your OP) and let him know how you feel. It is very easy to get stuck in a rut in your relationship and he is thinking far too much for his mum and not for his wife (you). You are as equally important in his life and he should know that.

Is it at all possible that he recognises how things are in your relationship and/or has difficulties with being a father and husband - and is using his mother as a way of ignoring the problem i.e. convincing himself that he has to regularly visit her gets him away from the situation and his responsibilities at home?

It's concerning that he expects you to sympathise so much with his situation with his mother, but is offering you zero support with your situation with your ill parents. It sounds very much as if you are being massively taken for granted here.

I used to have a very similar situation with my ex. He definitely used visiting his mother as a way of getting out of family responsibilities (he would always choose to be visiting her when anything was expected of him at home and when I asked for a break to recharge my batteries.) And yes, I would get the same retort about there being nothing to do at home.

Similarly, he'd never ever take any interest whatsoever in my family, but would repeatedly point out to me that I should be visiting HIS mother, buying presents for her etc. I was constantly made to feel guilty if I had driven near her area and not popped in to see that she was OK.

I would focus your time on your children and your parents. If you do split up, then they (your parents) will be the ones who will support you through this. And it sounds as if they need lots of support from you at the moment too! Don't be made to feel guilty by him.

Hi, I can't help by telling you what to do. None of us is here to do that. I was in a relationship once that sounds a bit like yours. I loved this man to bits, we lived together and had a child. He had a bit of a mother thing too, except I didn't like her. She fawned all over me as I had produced the longed-for grandchild, but in a patronising way, IYKWIM. I once sat in the car with him on a long journey and wondered what would happen if I didn't make conversation. (Deep down I was terrified that there would be no talk - in my own mind I had convinced myself that he would chat - it was almost as if I had decided the relationship was finished and this was the test - it was going to be OK, we loved one another) It was awful - there was this deathly silence. I concluded that he couldn't be bothered to talk to me. I stewed on this for ages and eventually said to him that the relationship was about nothing but sex and dinners. He agreed that it was about no more than that, but didn't see anything wrong with that. I told him to F off, whilst crying, as I still loved him (or thought I did) - I could not be doing with that nothingness from him in a relationship - I would rather have been a single parent, which is where I ended up.
Many years have passed. My life is different - I have married and have 2 more DCs. My DD from that relationship is with us and happy. She sees her Dad when he can be bothered, which isn't very often. I look back and realise he was an arse then and is still an arse now. I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why I loved him - he is a dysfunctional, selfish individual and not worthy of any emotions of mine. I look back in amazement at the person I was then, attributing good emotions/intentions to this person, who nowadays hardly ever enters my thoughts.

"I look back and realise he was an arse then and is still an arse now. I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why I loved him - he is a dysfunctional, selfish individual and not worthy of any emotions of mine. I look back in amazement at the person I was then, attributing good emotions/intentions to this person, who nowadays hardly ever enters my thoughts."

Have very similar thoughts FlowChart! Like, what was I ever ever thinking?

thanks so much to all of you for your responses
I needed the support yesterday I felt so low. Was even angrier when he got back and said his mum had pals there for the weekend so she was not sat alone all weekend as he claims. He came home about 5 put the tv on and that was him. I gave ds tea and his bath then went to bed early. He came up about 12 and slept as far away from me as he could and then got up today sat on the laptop Reading the news having his breakfast then went to work. I'm late shift today so won't even see eachother again today. The scary thing is he thinks this
Is normal. Is it! Am I expecting too much?

You are expecting too little, that is the problem. He is being given free rein to do what suits him (and his mum) and you are plodding along with it. I really think you need to sit down and insist that you all start spending some quality time together and that he doesn't spend EVERY weekend visiting his mother. If he wants to be with her that much then maybe he should move back with her? I gave DH a similar ultimatum last week, I told him that if he wanted the life we were leading (ie he held all the cards and did what suited him first) then go back to live with his mother and I would get on with being an adult and a parent. He knew I meant it as I would have had no qualms about throwing him out. Since then he has tried his best and we will see how things progress.