sisters

[shania]

Hi,have changed my nickname for a moment for this one to keep it as private as possible...don't wish to upset family members.But need to discuss this with my cyber friends.It's mostly a rant so for that you'll have to indulge me I'm afraid but also a serious q for you.My sister who has always been mega difficult with most people has been to stay for a few days.She has not so much upset me although has called me selfish and constantly criticised the way I bring up my children,because I am more or less imune to her opinion knowing what she is like so have kept calm and not let it upset me.Now,at xmas she came to stay with us and a horrible thing happened in which my son accidently stepped on the hamster and unknown to him as we swiftly removed it from the room it unfortunately flaked out 3 mins later.Anyway we pretended it has run away...I was upset as I loved it and upset for my children and worried all xmas that he would twig.Everyone else was upset too and it did ruin xmas for me.Was she sympathetic,no,she argued with me about my "overreaction" to the occurance and phoned my mother up first to tell her how much I had overeacted about it etc.I was very angry but have got over it and forgiven her.But dh has not and has had to walk away from her before he has exploded and upset everyone.He has said she is never coming for xmas again and if she is coming to stay again he is going away with the children.I can see what he means and it has occcured to me to maybe break contact with her completely as have other members of the family.But feel that I can cope with how she is and we little of her really and see no need to upset her or my mother by doing this.But practically thinking what "if" something were to happen to me and dh ,who would look after the children?We would not want her bringing them up.Should we be putting this on a will or just making our feelings discretely known to other members of the family here?Have you any advice for me?Or comments even,does anyone else have any similar difficult relationships with siblings such as this?Sorry it's so long but it does really help to tell someone about this as I don't mention it to anyone.

DEfinitely put on a will who you want to look after your children - a solicitor should ask you that as a matter of course. Will post re the rest later as currently have six children rampaging round the house ...

Absolutely - you should appoint one or more guardians of your children in your will. They may not be the actual people that your children live with, they may be people who you trust to make the right decision about where would be best for the children, at the particular time.
For example - we appointed two - one of my dh's brothers and my sister - we figured they were both excellent people, our will would probably be in force for some time, and if the worst happened, they could make a decision between the two of them which was the best placed to take the children at the time (they are about 15 years apart in age and in different stages of family life). But we specifically wanted to ensure that my dh's sister, who is a nightmare from hell and who hasn't got children of her own (but wants them and thinks she is very good with them) to get them. So, to make double sure of that, we told both guardians to make very sure that that didn't happen.
Hope this is helpful!

spent two weeks last summer with dh's sister & her partner..won't go into details but definitely decided then that she (more to do with her partner's behaviour) WOULDN'T be an option as guardian for dd if anything happened to us. dh's other sister was our choice and she's now named in our will. decided against my own sister, as she and her partner smoke and their lifestyle/where they live is sooo different to us, it was never a serious option. writing it all down in your will does feel v awkward, but it has to be done.

If it makes you feel any better you are certainly not alone in having difficult relationships with your siblings. I have two sisters who are both older than me and we are all completely different from each other. I could quite easily not have anything to do with either of them, but at the end of the day we are related. Instead I've chosen to get along, but at a distance and not to stay at each others houses as this is usually when the conflict starts. Personally I would put it in a will who you would like to look after your children as otherwise anything could happen and your wishes may not be granted.

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This is definately helping and thankyou for that everyone.We don't have a will and it is only since the last few days that it has occured to me that maybe we should because of our wishes as to what would happen to the children.Dh's parents are not getting any younger and we have various siblings between us,I only have my mother left,and I feel that my sister would offer to have them if anything did happen to us.I know she loves them but has no children of her own.But she has refused to read them a bedtime story or engage them in any activities and when my daughter wanted to wear a sparkly top,black patterened tights and a flowery skirt to a party she went mad saying she looked like she came from a council estate and I shouldn't let her go like that and went on about it so much it was upsetting dd.I honestly don't know where she comes from sometimes.She didn't relax the whole time she was here and was obviously in a bad mood and looking for a fight from me.At xmas time she told me it was "only" a hamster,when I knew my children would be upset.She made out I was practically heading for a nervous breakdown by being upset about it.My other sister has shut her out of her life completely a few years ago now and after a physical fight with my brother last year they now have nothing to do with each other.The whole thing upsets my mother.And now what am I to do when she wants to stay again or Xmas even.It just gives me a headache thinking about it.Thanks for your experiences.And Robinw,I'm sad for you and your troubles with your siblings especially at this time with your mothers illness.I wish you and all of you the best.I agree with you Jzee that they are your relatives that is why I choose to still see her,despite everything I love her still even though I don't like her opinions on things etc.

Hiya shania, I too have changed my name for this thread. But, I wanted to let you know that you are practically a mirror image of went on for me years ago. My husband also threatened to go out if my sister came over. It all came to a head 3 years ago and I have not had the slightest bit of contact with her since. I can and have very easily walked past her in the street and completely blanked her, the only way friends realise she is my sister is that we look alike (except i'm not a miserable cow and I do smile). I feel as though a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I didn't realise that at the time she was very crafty and manipulative (as well as a compulsive liar) and was causing most of the arguments between myself and dh. DH and i are in the process of sorting a will and by no means will she have anything to do with my children EVER, my children don't even know who her or her daughter are. I really hope that you manage to come up with a solution that suits you.

Shania, I get on well with my sisters but I wonder whether it is because I tend not to stay with them? I know that if I stayed with either of them for a few days then they would get on my nerves although I did go on holiday for a week with one of my sisters last year (with our respective dss). I think the holiday would have been a disaster if our husbands had been with us.

Maybe if you didn't have your sister over to stay, you may get along better with her. Just a thought.

Shania2 hi,so how did you break contact with your sister?Was it gradual or the result of an argument? We have had many arguments when we were growing up,she really knows how to hit below the belt.But now I have a husband and children our lives are so different.Her moods don't have the same distructive element on me anymore.But they do effect dh and I have been v annoyed with her in the past when she has had my daughter in tears. And even though she can have a great sense of humour and we can have a laugh ,when she is stressed and in a bad mood which is most of the time now I feel it would be for the best for everyone that we didn't have contact,like you have.i shall go through a solicitor about our will and make one.Hi sis ,thanks for giving me your thoughts.Will try to think of more practical ways of sorting this visit thing through.I feel dh will just explode one day when she is here and maybe sooner rather than later with recent events.

Shania: given the reaction to the hampster and your daughters dress sense your sister doesn't sound very child friendly. Personally if that's the way she reacts to your children I wouldn't want her to look after them on a permanent basis. I have had alot of stress from my family over the years and have learnt to step back and not get too involved which although may sound harsh is necessary for my own sanity.

I agree with everyone who said to make a will. I am lucky enough to get on with all of my siblings and they all love my DS to bits but when we thought about guardians we went for my brother and his wife ... at the time of DS' birth my sister was single with no children, my other brother lives in SA and has 4 children of his own (and much as I love them, he and his DW smoke like chimneys!) My other brother and his wife have 2 children who get on very well with DS and are really lovely parents so they were the people we knew we would like DS to be with if something happened to us.
Since we moved to NZ I have made my brother promise to come and get DS and take him back to England if something happened to us because I would not want my DH's family getting their claws into him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks folks,Jzee it's the right thing to distance yourself for your sanity.I so know what you mean.We were brought up very closely but she is surely alienating most of her family,to what end?How can she be so blind?I cannot comprehend some people even though I have known them all my life.
I never saw much point in having a will because I am married,until now.All you sensible folks I will take your advice.You honestly get more sympathy from people who don't even know you(re the hamster)than certain members of your own family.Going to change back now as I see we have some good news on here elsewhere.If anyone wants to add feel free and I'll reply.Thanks cyber mates.

This thread has certainly made me think ...

Apologies for the daft questions - but how do you go about setting up a will ? Does anyone know ? Also, in the absence of a will, if both parents passed away, who would the child(ren) be cared for by (assuming the child(ren) were too young to make any decision)??

I would not wish for my dd to be looked by my sister and her dh either. We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things - although we are civil enough with each other - it is a bit like the sort of relationship you might have say with the people you work with. It does make me sad that I don't have a closer relationship with her - especially as I know some people who have excellent relationships with their siblings. However, I feel lucky in that have a couple of good friends that I have known for over 10 years that I would consider as family. As the saying goes .. you can't choose your family as you do your friends

You can go to any solicitor and make a will - I thin kours (pretty straightforward, everythig goes to each other is one of us dies, everything goes into trust for the children if we both die and BIL and his wife are guardians, cost about £100, which I thought was money pretty well spent.
We chose BIL and his wife for a few reasons. They dont have any children of their own but are devoted to ours. We didn't want grandparents to have them, just to stop fights! I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters, but none of them seemed right somehow - we know that most of our values are shared by BIL and his wife, and that they would think about what we would want as well as what they want themselves. And far be it for me to put my own family down, but if any of mine got them I don't think they would get to see much of dh's family, whereas I know n the situation we have set out my family could be involved in their lives at any stage.