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Original poster

Am i being unreasonable??

18 replies

pinkmalibu · 13/12/2008 08:32

HI! General rant really to get this off my chest!

I have a 6 month old DS and when he was 5 wks old i moved to Germany to be with my DH. He was untill recently on a sports team but also in the army. I don't speak any german and don't know anyone out here although i am trying to learn the lingo! I don't go to any mum's and tot's etc as i find it really awkward not speaking the lingo and no-one speaks English, not past hello anyway.

My DH recently went to sweden for a month as part of his training so instead of staying in germany i went home to see my family and friends. I only stayed for 2 weeks because my DH got VERY annoyed when i suggested i stay till he was back because we are still paying rent on our apartment.

He should have been back last week but because he got dropped from his team he has had to stay a week longer in sweden. He will have been away for 5 weeks in total, and 3 of those i have been back in germany on my own.

I am feeling so lonely and low. I haven't spoken to anyone in person for 3 weeks, i phone my mum daily and friends every now and then. I also speak to my DH daily untill recently. The last couple of weekends he has been out in town getting drunk and generally having a great time and i can't help but feel so bitter and agry toward him. A bit of jealousy a bit of anger that i am here on my own when i could have been at my mum's spending time with friends i haven;t seen for months and having a good time myself. I do tell my DH how i'm feeling, and i know he misses us and wants to be here, but he say's i shouldn't make him feel guilty about going out. TBH i'm starting to not want him to come back now! i just want some company!!

I am happy looking after my DS on my own, and of course enjoy it. So i am feeling guilty about wanting to go out myself and have fun.

I am just finding it hard. Am i being unreasonable????? Please be honest.

OP posts:

HassledElf · 13/12/2008 08:38

YANBU - he needs to be more considerate of how lonely you are feeling. Does he realise quite the full extent of how tough it feels for you?

Are there any friends of family who could come to Germany and stay with you for a while? Are there some language courses you could sign up for to become a bit more confident in German? I know there are lots of English-speaking MNers in Germany - look for one of their threads in the Living Overseas topic - they might be able to point you in the right direction. And look at the Forces Sweethearts topic - there may be other MNers in the same position as you.

mrsdisorganised · 13/12/2008 08:41

No YANBU, I think it must be really hard, I'm struggling with the possibility of moving 10 miles and 'starting' again which is nothing in comparison and I don't have the added stress of learning a new language! Of course you're feeling a bit jealous, understandable, yes it's lovely being a mum but you need 'you' time and space, hang in there! Please don't feel bad for the way you're feeling.x

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 13/12/2008 08:42

No i dont think you are being unreasonble, it sounds like he has double standards, so its ok for him to go away for long periods and go out drinking etc, then tell you not to make him feel guilty, but he is making you feel guilty for wanting to be with your family for company, when he is not there?

Is he insecure? does he worry about what you might get up to back at your mums, going out with friends etc?

As for the rent, it would still have to be paid regardless of you being there or not, so sounds like he trying to make excuses for you to stay.

I think you need to have a long a hard chat with him and tell him how unhappy you are, if things carry on the way they are, its likely you will end up back at your mums anyway and not nother coming back! He needs to let you do the things that make you happy, then your relationship will be a happy and healthy one

Pheebe · 13/12/2008 10:47

YANBU at all

...and as you specifically asked for honesty...can I just ask why when he told you to go back to an empty flat on your own in a country where you don't speak the language, you actually went? I ask because I wonder whether you're a little scared of him perhaps? I know it may appear easy for me to say but had my DH 'told' me to do this I would simply have said no, explained my reasons, and that would have been an end to it. I wonder if there are undercurrents in your relationship that 'allow' him to control you?

I think suggesting your family come over to visit you is a good one.

alphabetsoup · 13/12/2008 10:50

YANBU in the scheme of things - I'd be lonely too. BUT after 5 months I'd feel mentally torured not understanding the language of those around me. Are there classes you could attend, or at least go on Amazon and buy a language DVD, and really make a project of learning german.? You'd probably feel happier then>

MotherChristmas2OliverJames · 13/12/2008 10:57

Just a question, have you actually tried going to any of these groups? or do you just assume that because most german people dont generally speak much english out and about, that they can't? i am just asking because i was born in Germany (army brat) and moved back to live when i was 11 and its is suprising that once you actually make time to get to know the locals they dont seem to speak much english, you may find that most of the younger generation with speak english fluently.

Take a phrase book with you to a group and i aqm sure that if the people there can see that you are making an effort they will make an effort too.

YANBU to be lonely at all - are there no forces sweetheart groups or forces mothers groups? do you live in a german area or on an english estate?

MotherChristmas2OliverJames · 13/12/2008 10:59

not once, "before you make time to get to know the localscals"

LaDiDaDi · 13/12/2008 11:05

YANBU and it's bizarre that he wanted you to be alone in a flat instead of with your family and friends. The rent on the flat would have needed to be paid regardless of whether you were there or not and surely your family weren't charging rent!

cantpickyourfamily · 13/12/2008 11:13

YANBU - but he is, I think you should have stayed with your family untill he returned as it is so hard being alone with a baby all day every day, it sounds like you are a single parent but with your dh making choices for you.

And you should not feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun, but I think as mothers we always feel guilty in one way or another...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/12/2008 11:53

that he wanted you to be in the flat by yourself rather than take the opportunity to stay with your family. That is just bizarre and actually a bit cruel, as is staying one extra week when you are alone. Seriously unfair and selfish.

Original poster

pinkmalibu · 13/12/2008 19:45

Thanks everyone. I have two german language course cd's which i have on in the car or whenever i can, but without someone to practice on it's hard!! I know enough german to order food, and get by in a cafe but in conversations i'm lost!! I live in Ruhpolding, Bavaria. So i am in a german neighbourhood and no where near army barracks. Appart from sitting in a cafe all day there's not really anywhere i can meet anyone! and it's obviously hard to get out for long if i want my DS's routine to work.

I don't think my DH really thought how i'd be on my own. He was surprised i hadn't spoken to anyone here yet! He thought being here on my own might make me go out and find a friend! As for the apartment, he see's it as being our home, not just his, so i should stay there with or without him. I did argue my point about being here alone, all the problems i could have etc and tbh i thought i might be ok as it should have only been for 2 weeks initially.....i suppose i just didn't want the arguement! I always try and keep our relationship happy and everytime this was mentioned we had an arguement, so i gave in. I think i'd have been ok if DH wasn't out on the town every chance he get's.

OP posts:

StephanieByng · 13/12/2008 19:59

You need not to give in then. No good telling us on here - tell him. If it takes an argument, so be it. TBH though I think if you said in a very "I mean this with every cell of my body" voice "Sod that, i'm not sitting in an empty flat in a country where I don't speak the language when I could be here with my family", I don't think there would be an argument!

He sounds like a bully.

alphabetsoup · 13/12/2008 22:56

Pinkmalibu that sounds tough . It seems he lacks the empathy gene tbh, then he'd realise how things were for you. Hope you can talk it through.

skidoodle · 13/12/2008 23:03

What business is it of his to tell you where to be when he is away?

Why on earth were you having arguments about that?

StephanieByng is right, don't allow him to turn a decision that is rightfully yours alone into something he gets a say in. If he's away for a month and you're lonely in a foreign country, it's eminently reasonable for you to spend the time with your family, and deeply worrying that he thinks you should be alone because he has decided this flat is "your home".

thumbElf · 13/12/2008 23:07

I think YANBU at all, your DH is being a selfish arse about this. So what if you're paying rent on the apartment? It's still housing your stuff, why should you sit around and wait for him to come back and NOT go back to see your family and friends?

Of course he wants to go out guilt-free, so he doesn't want to be reminded that you are sad and lonely on your own, thanks to his selfish stupidity in insisting you stay on in Germany.

Go home to your family, spend some time doing things you enjoy - after all, he is, why shouldn't you be allowed the same?
Very "not on", his attitude. & for you.

beanieb · 13/12/2008 23:10

is there any opportunity for you to go out with him, can you get a babysitter. Maybe you could also go out on your own and get to know some people? Are there other army wives in your area who could help?

the whole thing sounds very complicated by the fact that you are a stranger in a strange land and even with your efforts to learn it must be so frustrating not being able to have easy conversation with people around you.

beanieb · 13/12/2008 23:13

Oh and...rant away. Sometimes it is good to just get things off your chest.

Shuggybee · 15/12/2008 18:58

Hi, just a quick one as its bedtime for the kids...

My DH is in the Navy and we have lived in all sorts of grim places both before and after kids and invariably we move then he is deployed for 6 months but the best way I have found for dealing with it is to join every bloody thing going!

If you're on a patch why don't you try the Hive ( even if you're not you can have a 'partners' I'd card to get onto camp) they can give you details of all the local baby groups and community centre goings on. If there is a sports centre try joining the Wives Club or whatever, maybe the Army have language classes too. I have never been an enormous joiner of all these weird clubs but it it all gets you out of the house and meeting others in the same situation. I always have to force myself to go and be all jolly whilst being really nervous but you usually meet at least 1 person you really like and from there its just a short step to soft play with babies, coffee at each others houses then out for wine! At the end of the day you've got a captive audience as all of us forces wives are in the same position of no local friends, no local family, partners away so we have to crack on and make the best of it!

All that said, if he's not about and you fancy going home for 4 weeks why not if it makes you happy.

Do any of his mates have partners also in the area he can introduce you to?

HTH

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