Ok I am here again
Have posted before
Husband and I decided to separate. I then realised it was a wrong decision. Think we need to think long and hard about this.
I reckon he is having some mid-life crisis in his late 20's, unbearable to be around, miserable at home but happy and lovely to everyone else when out, reckons the last few years of marriage have been desperately unhappy (but he has been out a lot doing his own thing, courses etc). To be honest I've not been aware of it being that bad. I've always found him quite strong minded and unreasonable and has the ability to do whatever he wants without worrying about anyone else. Quite frustrating.
Can't afford for him to move out at present. He is sleeping in another room.
So worried about if we separate and he moves on. I feel it would destroy me. We separated last year for a few months (we got back together without really resolving the issues) and he had a fling with someone else. He seems so able to just move on and put his past behind him - he's even said that. I can't understand the lack of loyalty - we've been together 10 years!
Had big blow out with him last night. Just can't reason with him. So unreasonable.
I feel like I am slowly going mad! I'm constantly worrying, feel tearful alot of the time, worrying because I've talked to my family about all this - I'm quite an open person but I feel awful about bad mouthing my husband. Feel bad cos I talked to my mum about really personal things in our relationship (eeeewwwwww) but I can't seem to stop my inner monologue from escaping! And yet I can't keep it all in because I feel so fraught. I feel bad because I don't want them to think badly of him. Feel bad because I seem to need to seek reassurance from people or advice.
My mum reckons he is a selfish person and yet I tell her that he's a lovely guy and I really don't want him to make a mistake in walking away, because we have such a great family together. My mum says that just because you are a nice person doesn't mean you can't be selfish. She reckons he is extremely unreasonable. I feel bad for making her feel like that, because of what I've said. Not that it's not true.
They think he is being so miserable because he is trying to make me tell him to go. Last night I told him it was his decision, and he got angry because he said he didn't want our DD to be told that he walked out and he was the one who left! He doesn't want to be made out to be the one in the wrong. (Not that I would say that to our DD anyway)
Most of my family tell me to think long and hard about what I want, because I cant live with someone who is behaving the way he does at present. And yet I don't want to give up. But perhaps I need to?
Last night I was seriously worried because I felt like I was drowning, everything felt too much and i couldn't cope with it all. I'm normally quite upbeat, but it was the first time I felt that life had gotten the better of me.
Goodness. Does life get any better?!?!?!?!?!??!
Argggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh