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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I the only one whose DH has lack of sex drive?

24 replies

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:29

My DH and I have not had sex for months. I have a high sex drive but he is not interested. I am 38 years old and not that ugly... Back when we met, 18 years ago, he had a very high sex drive (much more than me) and I turned him down once because I was tired (he wanted it every night). Since then, he stopped initiating it and for the past 17 years I have been the one initiating it (not kiddding you!). The lack of interest in sex has been gradually throughout the years. We have a 22 month old daughter (that was a miracle!). For the past 3 years, we have only made love about once every 2 to 3 months. If I had it my way it would be every day. He has also started smoking (he had stopped for 6 years) and I detest the smell when he comes to bed just after having that last cigarette for the day. Am I the only one with this problem? Am I being too unreasonable?

OP posts:

TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 22:33

No YANBU.

It's OK to have wants and desires.

Although I would find the smell of fags VERY offputting and a real passion killer.

Do you talk to him about your feelings? I know this can be a tricky subject to discuss without hurting feelings.

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:39

I find it tricky but he has rejected me a few times. I know he is not having an affair or anything because we are together more or less 24/7.

OP posts:

AaliyahsFirstXmas · 12/12/2008 22:40

YANBU BUT - I have a VERY low sex drive and DP makes do with that and the fact that he only gets sex maybe once a month.....

DP smokes and I've told him that smoking can only be done outside for DD's health and my happiness. Can you try something like that?

TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 22:44

strange aren't they. My DH is not as needy as me and feels quite happy with it whereas I could definately do with a bit more fun.

Is he otherwise attentive and physical ie hugs and small touches?

My DH is far more physical during the day in giving me a hug in the kitchen whilst I am washing up rather than in bed where he doesn't really bother with me unless he wants to go the full way IYKWIM

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:45

Thanks for your comment. DD's health and happiness does come first. He always smoke outside and nobody is allowed to smoke inside. It is his breath. I told him to brush his teeth before getting to bed and I think he found it offensive as he only did it that once with a bit of an attitude and never brushed again before going to bed.

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Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:47

Hug? I shall be so lucky. No, just the morning kiss... Does this sound weird to any of you?

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windypants · 12/12/2008 22:50

Mine the same, in fact i got myself a new toy to try out (ann summers ).
I feel a weired saying i need a shag more, like i am desperate (infact more frustrated).

JumpingJingleBellsDizzy · 12/12/2008 22:51

My marriage was the same, I instigated it all. We once went to the dr to talk about his 'drive' or lack of it and I was heavily pg A miracle though, like yours.

I left dh but we're still friends....that's all we were anyway though. We were together 17 years.

TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 22:55

MMM he sounds a bit cold to me. But think I am coming from a point of high expectations.

I sometimes get fed up with DH (although he is a bit more physical than yours) and say that it is reasonable to want a bit more from him. Annoyed at times that we have to do things his way which sounds like where you are.

DH is a little bit scared of me though (does that sound strange) as I will speak my mind if anything is wrong. He doesn't know what to do for the best then so takes the path of least resistance. And does nothing. Could this be your problem?

Is DH passionate about anything else? Hobbies?

Trying to work out if this is a personality thing or just a passion thing.

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:55

I have also thought about going to the doctors with him and discuss the issue but not mentioned it to him as I don't know how he will take it. I also feel that this could seriously damage our relationship and make us go and part away from each other... but I don't want that.

OP posts:

gagarin · 12/12/2008 22:58

ask him if he masturbates? lots of men do - every day...

maybe it's just that he's got used to the quick and easy option?

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 22:59

He is passionate about football... He also doesn't speak much about his feelings. He is not a people's person either, not sure if this has anything to do with it. I am very outgoing in a crowd, even if they are strangers.

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JumpingJingleBellsDizzy · 12/12/2008 23:01

blimey, you are me and he is my exdh! He's also passionate about sport and not sociable. I talk to everyone

Right I've been going to bed for ages, night. Will catch up tomorrow x

TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 23:06

right - my DH is a very quiet person who doesn't do feelings (mine or his own)too.

I would talk to him gently and do the thing where you focus on your feelings and not his downfalls.

He has been like this since you turned him down and this seems to be a pride/confidence thing. Don't know how you have managed so many years but spose you have to try to be positive and maybe you will have to be the one who instigates things for a bit longer.

without being too graphic when you do have a bit of passion do you tell him that you enjoy what he does? My DH likes to know he is doing a good job and is still a bit of a Stud. Seems to give him the confidence to do more and be a bit more relaxed.

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 23:12

Yes, I do encourage him and I always say "Thank you, that was lovely. You were brilliant" at the end. Also during the making love session, he likes it when I talk "rude" to him . I am not the type that swears but that is the only time I do swear so that he likes it. We are both equally passionate when we make love but I find that I am a lot more passionate to begin with and this seems to encourage him and open up his "passion". I wouldn't say I am relaxed, I believe that this could be said if DH, though.

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TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 23:18

sounds like it's OK when it happens then?

I really think you should try and talk to him though. Along the lines of "I would really love it if you approached me..." rather than "why don't you start things". Play to his better nature I suppose.

Original poster

spanishmama · 12/12/2008 23:23

Thanks TCL. I will try that. Got nothing to lose, hey!?

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TackyChristmasLights · 12/12/2008 23:29

good luck.
I know that it is an uphill struggle. I always end of getting upset over this issue and stamping my feet as DH will not respond to me.

Don't do what I do and lose it, try and keep calm and tell him that you really want him and he turns you on loads. He should love this and be flattered.

Cosmopolitan (on line)is worth a look for a few tips on what men really want??

cheerfulvicky · 13/12/2008 12:04

I have this problem and it's quite depressing. He has agreed he has a low sex drive, so we are perhaps just mismatched in this area. Which leaves only a few options: leave, put up with it, or find satisfaction elsewhere, be it ann summers of a fully fledged affair. I'm still mulling over my options; don't much ike the last one thoug. I really want to be made love to passionately, by someone I love and who loves me. I don't just want sex and nothing else.

But with your DH it sounds like he's got out of the habit of initiating, and perhaps his sex drive has declined a bit with age, as is often the case with men. My DP is 48, I am 25. And that is pretty much the problem - I want to have the sex life of a 25 year old, he's done all that and calmed down. Plus I think he has a low-ish drive anyway. His last partner also rejected him continuously for years, and wasn't interested. It seems that this does really put a dampener on things for blokes - almost as though their ego and libido are tied up together

Have you considered sex counselling with someone like Relate? As if there are buried hurts and worries on each side, you might both be able to talk them out?

Lizzylou · 13/12/2008 12:27

I have a far higher sex drive than DH, but he is very affectionate and loving towards me in general.
I find it odd (very childish) that because you rejected your DH 17yrs ago he is now making you do all the running. It's as if he is in a big huff, at the expense of a loving relationship.
Agree that you need to address the issue as it's making you feel bad.

bracciano · 14/12/2008 21:59

It's the same for me and I'm afraid that if DH tells you that the lovemaking is not worth the reward as mine has then you will just be stuck. I don't see a way forward however attractive you are if DH does not experience desire. It's awfully hard to bear and you have my sympathy.

ReinDIORdroppings · 14/12/2008 22:08

Message withdrawn

trixieunderthexmastree · 15/12/2008 08:07

Same for me too, although we are both only 29. 9 years ago when we first met we could hardly scrap ourselves out of bed, now I'm lucky if it's once every 2 months. A recent conversation went something like "You women hit your peak about 30. How long will that last?" He said sounding exasperated and quite frankly, put out, by the whole thing.

It is hard as my dp isn't very affectionate either. I would be the one who initiates the kisses and hugs, which bugs me more than the sex.

Fizzfiend · 15/12/2008 20:13

I get very few hugs, a few pecks on the cheek and no sex. It's been about 8 months now since I last begged for it (not a good feeling, I can tell you). He's in total denial that there's a problem, actually refuses to say it's been that long. I am now seeing an old friend for sex once every couple weeks. It's what I need. I feel I have done everything in my power to try and resurrect our sex life. I can't become a nun at 39.

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