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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my dh out of order?

24 replies

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 21:37

Dh has not arrived home before 9pm this week. He does often work late, but frequently has a pint or two on his way home (and then drinks a few more cans when he does get home). He has just walked in now, no phone call, not answering his mobile before. He sounds drunk, but says he is 'tired' and has DRIVEN home. Says he has only had two pints.

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Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 21:44

He also immediately comes home, goes to the loo for about 20 minutes, gets changed and then finally comes downstairs much later.

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supervixen · 12/12/2008 22:21

Oh sorry Yes. When do you get to go out? Why he is out drinking all the time while youre stuck in. This sucks. He needs to pay you more attention...

moondog · 12/12/2008 22:24

Yes
He's up to something.
Very fishy

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 12/12/2008 22:24

Errm, that's very out of order. On many many levels.

What do you say to him about this?

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:25

He has just been sick. I think he is an alcoholic

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OptimistS · 12/12/2008 22:27

Not really a lot to go on for me to give a definitive yes or no. But it does sound as though he's drinking rather heavily. Has he got anything else going on that's troubling him? In your shoes, I'd be worried about the amount he's drinking (BTW I am far from being anti alcohol). Alcohol is a depressant and even those who don't have a dependency can become demotivated about life when they are drinking too much too often. If you're reluctant to tackle him directly about the drinking, can you try briing him into not going out for a drink, with a promise of a nice meal etc. I know it's a bit Stepford, but if you can reestablish some intimacy maybe it would be a bit easier to talk about what's wrong. At the moment you might get accused of simply being a nag or possessive (even though I don't think you are). Good luck.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:29

I have told him what a terrible role model he is for our girls and how disgusted I am. I have cried, I have shouted, he says sorry but doesn't mean it. He was sick last week and didn't come home when he was supposed to cook Sunday dinner.

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Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:31

In my opinion, if you DRIVE home and then throw up and stagger everywhere, you do have an alcohol problem. He should NOT have been driving! I am so

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beanieb · 12/12/2008 22:33

He's not necessarily 'up to something' other than maybe turning to drink to deal with stresses. Or he is an alcoholic. Does he do this all the time?

OptimistS · 12/12/2008 22:37

I'm afraid I can't really offer any truly constructive advice because I simply don't know enough about you, your DH or your relationship to comment. That said, the coming home and being sick, and failing to keep commitments such as cooking Sunday lunch is very disturbing. The willingness to say sorry but then fail to change his behaviour all sugest that he does indeed either have a problem with alcohol or that he's having a major life crisis about something at the moment.

You're his wife and are best placed to see if he's an alcoholic or not. If you think he is, and his behaviour does not change when you have talked about it, you really need to start seeking professional help for yourself about how to deal with it. He won't stop until he's ready, regardless of whether you're the world's worst nag or the most supportive wife ever.

If you think the problem is something else then you really need to get him to admit what that problem is. If he won't, you may have to reconsider your future together, although it hopefully won't come to that.

It sounds like you're very worried and desperately unhappy. I hope you resolve things. Best wishes.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:37

I honestly don't think he is having an affair.

He has crashed a car under the influence of alcohol about a year ago. He crashed into a parked van and drove off. I was furious. He swore it would never happen again.

He drinks everyday, but doesn't see it as a problem.

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Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:41

He never misses work and has a stressful job. Says he drinks to relax.

We are not intimate (my choice) as whilst breastfeeding dd2 I am not interested. I do not find the beer-guzzling type attractive. Suspect he is unhappy with this.

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MaryMotherOfCheeses · 12/12/2008 22:44

"I do not find the beer-guzzling type attractive" Yeah, funny that

Oh poor you. I've absolutely no idea what to suggest - it's sounding fairly grim tbh. Alcohol sounds like the starting point though. It might not be causing him to miss work, but sounds like he's missing things in his home life.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 22:51

He has had issues with addiction before. When we first met it was a gambling problem and he still cannot be trusted with money. He pays his salary into my account and I give him the cash he needs for each day.

Today I trusted him with the card and he came home in this state

He has lied to me about money before and I have been trying to rebuild his credit rating.

I feel like I am living with a child (other than my gorgeous dds)

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MaryMotherOfCheeses · 12/12/2008 22:53

Oh god.

You sound like a strong woman though.

But I know sometimes you don't want to be strong.

bleakmidwinter · 12/12/2008 23:00

Not a good situation for you. Have you thought about Al-'Anon - they offer support to partners etc who drink heavily/are alcoholics. yes, I think from his behaviour it is pretty clear hehas a problem. He won't change ifyou ask him to so you need to sort out what you want to do about the situation.
GL
(my DH is a drinker so I am sort of in the same boat

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 23:07

I will look at Al-Anon, I do need some support.

I grew up in a turbulent household and I will not allow that to happen to my dd's. They love their daddy

I only work part time, if I was full time I could support myself and the girls comfortably but there is not a full time position at my work just now. I feel financially trapped, but part of me feels we would be better off without this.

I would like to help him, but don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for all your messages, just having people to discuss this with helps so much.

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OptimistS · 12/12/2008 23:16

If you feel leaving is the best option for you but are worried about how you'll cope financially, please don't be. I want to go part time and recently investigated my options. It appears that the vast majority of people are far better off working part-time (e.g. 16-20 hours) than full-time when it comes to support such as housing benefit, council tax benefit and income support. In the end it wasn't for me because I have a mortgage rather than paying rent, but if I'd been in rented accommodation I would have only been £75 per month worse off working 16 hours than 40!

OptimistS · 12/12/2008 23:17

Meant to add visit www.entitledto.com to find out exactly what you might get. This will give you a very good idea of how you'd stand financially.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 12/12/2008 23:25

Don't think we would get income support. Would get tax credits though.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2008 08:26

I hope you call Al-anon; this situation is no good for your daughters to witness either. Your daughters are also growing up in a turbulent household. Even if your children are still very young and do not directly see anything, they eventually pick up the bad vibes. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Do not try and rebuild his credit rating either; this is enabling behaviour. This just sheilds him from the consequences of his actions.

You cannot help someone who may not ultiamtely want to be helped. He has seemingly swapped one addictive behaviour (gambling) for another. You are only responsible for your own self and your daughters ultimately. Growing up in a household as well where one person is alcoholic can bring the child a whole host of emotional problems.

You must remember this as well with regards to alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2008 12:09

Agree with everything Atilla has said.

I am very about the drink-driving. You must find some way to stop him doing that. How would he feel if he killed/injured a child whilst under the influence. Anyone who drink-drives is either-

a very bad person (and it doesn't sound like he is)
in the the grip of a serious addiction

Get yourself some help in how to tackle this and everything else.

HolyGuacamole · 13/12/2008 17:57

Yep, the drink driving thing is SO not good Especially after having an accident last year whilst under the influence! What is it that makes him think that is ok? Does he rely on his car for his job?

Also, he might tell you he has had 2 drinks and if he has an alcohol problem and hides any aspect of his drinking, it could be that he is having more than 2 before getting in the car? He may not care about himself but what about other road users? That is not directed at you by the way it is directed at him

I don't know what you can do...what a hell of a situation to be in. He is a selfish git. If it were me, (I'd like to think) I'd threaten him if he drinks and gets in the car that I will call the police or I'd make arrangements to leave him....but that's just me having never been in that situ? If those threats did not make any difference then it would let me know where I stand, that the alcohol is more important than me and his child.

I know you can't help him - he can only help himself. His drinking needs serious consequences.

blinks · 14/12/2008 01:19

you'd do well to get in touch with al-anon.

remove the anger about the drinking from the situation as alcoholism isn't reflective of the person...

it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your children.

at the same time you mustn't unwittingly support his drinking by not letting him reach rock bottom.

report any drunk driving for a start.

HolyGuacamole- it's not about 'alcohol being more important' than his children... it's a powerful addiction that can destroy lives and families and even ultimately kill. without the right professional support, love is simply not enough to beat it.

that's what you need to understand, dontcallmehon.

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