Different ideas on parenting coming between us

[Torfee]

I moved in with my DP and his son about 6 months ago. Before we lived together everything was fine. Now it's awful.

Our DS's are both 9 (my DS to previous relationship and his DS to prev. relationship) and it seems we're bringing them up totally different.

My DS gets in from school, gets changed and folds his uniform onto his chair ready for tomorow. His DS comes home from school and slings his uniform on the floor.

My DS does his homework before tea, his DS plays on the xbox and never does any homework.

My DS eats whatever is being cooked, his DS insists on special meals just for him. So when everyone else is eating chicken for instance, he'll be eating fish fingers and beans.

After tea my DS either goes to karate (3 times a week), watches TV or plays on the xbox. His DS goes out and hangs around the shops with 9-15 year old kids doing god knows what.

My DS is in bed with a book at 9pm. His DS strolls in at 10pm, drinks coke from the bottle in the fridge and then flops down to watch TV, not going to bed until sometimes midnight.

I KNOW its none of my busness how he parents but it is affecting my son. My son has started refusing to eat his meals hoping he'll get crap something different like DSS. He's started saying "DSS isn't forced to go to karate, why do I have to go?" even though he loved going until we moved in here and DSS told him it was camp and geeky.

My DS now wants to roam around the streets and kicks off that I wont let him.

How do we handle this without it coming between me and DP?

i think you need to talk to your DP about how this is affecting your relationship and that of the childrne.

in order to be in a family situation like that you need to be treating both children more ort less the same.
so, I would be seeing if you could come up with soem basic house rules that meant both children were treated the same, more or less.

What concerns me here is that your values and your DP's seem to be very different. Does he see his son's behaviour as a concern or is he happy to just let him do what the hell he likes? Is it neglect or thinking that the way his DS behaves is ok/normal?

Crikey. This sounds like my worst nightmare. Dh and I have very different views on parenting and it causes quite a lot of stress between us so you have my sympathy.

Tbh, I don't think you CAN sort this out without it coming between you and your dp. And I think it IS your business how he parents because you are now living together as a family. You either have to be together and live by the same rules or move out and have separate rules.

Sorry - that sounds very harsh - but I don't think there is any other way.

How does your dp react when you talk to him about it? Would he consider going to see a marriage counsellor/psychologist together to try and resolve this?

He says I wrap my DS up in cotton wool and 'wont let him grow up'. He sees nothing wrong in his hanging around the shops even though he's already been caught smoking and drinking. They both go to the same school which makes it even harder.

Only you can know what is best but 9 is awfully young to be hanging around out of doors unsupervised.

Tbh that would be too much for me to handle and I think in your shoes - if you genuinely think there is no way you can resolve this between you and your dp - then I would move out . Again, sounds really harsh - and easy for me to sit here and type out "advice" without knowing personalities involved or context but dc have to come first.

Do you think you dp is too entrenched in his position to change or would he be willing to compromise ...

Sorry you are going through such a tough time...

I agree with counting.
if your DP is totally unwilling to budge on any of these issues then you have to seriously consider what is more important, living with him, or the effect it is having on your son?

that does sound harsh, but do you think you can carry on living like that with such HUGE differences between you?

I agree with counting too. I could not live with a man with those values and I couldn't risk my DS living with him or his son. Sorry

I agree with Counting too. It looks as if you are doing a very good job in bringing up your DS and he's going to grow up to be a lovely young man. On the other hand, your DSS is a good example of how not to parent a child. If he cannot adhere to the same rules and parenting as your DS, then things will only get worse and his bad behaviour will rub off onto your son. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't risk the change of this happening and I would leave. I do realise this would be a difficult thing to do and would cause a lot of upheaval, but your Ds's upbringing is the most important thing to consider. I hope there is a positive outcome to this.