want to have at least one more child, husband really doesn't. i know this is a common issue, but i would like to know if anyone has any advice?

[violeteyes]

husband and i are both 32, with a ds 2.4 and a dd 5 months. our positions on size of a family haven't really changed-more have just hardened on both sides.
i want 4, he wants 2. i think i really have accepted that 4 will not happen. but i have always said that 3 should be the obvious compromise. am i being too simplistic? there is no way either of us can 'win' our ideal solution is there.
i don't want to make him unhappy, but neither do i want to resent him forever. i should think he feels the same.

his reasons
one of 4 himself, money always a massive issue. this is the biggest stumbling block for him i think.

he wants 'our lives back'. obviously have been in major baby land for last 3 years.

adores the children, but hates the baby stage.

me
one of 2. no significant money issues, but a terribly happy childhood.i do see his point, and respect it which is why i feel 3 not 4 would be reasonable-wouldn't put me off though, but don't want to overload his feelings of responsibility/belittle legitimate anxieties

i don't think we will ever get our lives 'back' and nor should we want to-but our lives will continue to grow and evolve. future stages will be totally different, and will of course be much less/differently children focussed.
i feel confident of this-my parents had something of a renaissance after we grew up, with cracking social lives etc, while his emphatically do and did not.

i love 6months onwards, agree first bit difficult, but just so small a part of things that not really a big deal.

now, my thinking is that we should ttc in new year. because, then that actually takes most into account his concerns

-i would be able to work sooner, am sahm now. we manage fine, though won't be moving house, having more than camping trip type holidays sort of thing
-get all this stage that he dislikes over with, don't spin it out

get on with our lives. this really is the elephant in the room, even though we try really hard to agree not to talk about it.

well. that has helped me clear my own head. but, however balanced and reasonable i can try to be - i just want my next child now!!

should read not a terribly happy childhood-rather lonely too be honest.

tricky. i want another dp says we have no maoney but if we did we could.

You have to decide whether:
You could carry on with your dh with your 2 children, would you resent him too much and therefore ruin your relationship?

perhaps you need to think on whether you want another child more or less than your relationship, if that makes sense?

When i wanted another i would just keep on and on and on.

YOu have to decided what is more important. But i would give up yet, keep badgering, he might well give in just fro some peace and quiet

excuse typos, I'm doing really crap typing today!

i am preggers with 3rd child have 2 dd's 3.3 and 16 mth. when i was expecting dd2 i was convinced i didn't want any more, but when she got to about 9 months I realised how much I DID! We have just done some modifications to make a spare bedroom (was initially a 2 bed house, i am a sahm too and I don't see it making a huge difference to finances, I will go back to work in 3 yrs or so. Think you should talk to hubby some more - we went out for a boozy meal and had a good old chat about it - go for it! be v positive about it all and reinforce to him what you have written here, 3 is a magic number - I can't wait! take care x

I was in a very similar position to you.
I always wanted a big family. At least 3 and possibly 4 children.
DH never terribly keen on the idea of children at all.
Of course we talked at length before getting married and DH always said he would have children to make me happy as he didnt want us to spilt up. He said he'd be happy with 1 but would be ok with 2 as he knew I would never ever be happy with an only child.

We had one, he fell in love with DS1 and is a fantastic father. He maintained his position of only ever having one more though as even though he loves being a Dad he finds it very hard going.

We've now got DS2 (10 months) and although I'd love one more, DH is insistent on NO MORE!

I'm ok sticking at two now, seeing as DH has never said a single thing against us having the two since that initial first discussion/descion and he is fantastic with the boys and very hands on.
He's compromised a lot and I'm happy to stick at two and not mention it again for my part of the compromise iyswim

No sure if that helps at all - just a differemt perspetive...

Having read this Violeteyes, I think it will come down to how much energy your DH has to fight you over this one. It seems clear that you are very driven to have your own way.

I'm sorry but I just don't get your reasoning - he wants 2 and I want 4 so we'll split the difference and have 3. At the end of the day you are arguing over how many children you should have - not how many televisions you should have in the house. You make children sound bit like commodities here.

You say that 3 would represent a compromise on your part but if you really want 4 then what's to say that you will be happy with 3 once you have actually have 3? You're clearly moving towards reseting him for wating to stop at 2 so what's to say that you won't continue to resent him until you actually get what you really want - i.e 4 children?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. Mine are ust the observations of an outsider looking in on the situation as you've portrayed it...

thank you all for taking the time to read through.

i love my current family-i want my relationship more than another child.i have needed to think about this and i do need to keep this to the fore in my own mind. i do not want to nag and hope and think about this for years to come.

i think this does highlight certain differences in our goals for the future-i think dh wants a jump in lifestyle ie holidays etc, probably in a way to feel his life is progressing/alleviate anxiety as much as for anything in itself. i am more than happy as we are-see life success/progression in terms of happy people, contentness etc.

i think gunnerbean has a fairly accurate take on things in first line to be honest. but i do need to remember there are others involved here. i need to set limits on myself, think of what are the signs i may be jeoperdising (sp?)what we have/are for what we might have/be.

i don't think of children as commodities. i think i have some insight into the fact that for both of us family size carries some emotional baggage and concepts of 'enough'whether of money/love/security etc.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there yourself Violeteyes when you said you have to be careful about not jeopardising or losing sight of the value of what you currently have in the process of fighting to get what you want.

Maybe sometimes we focus too much on what we want, and always wanting more, rather than appreciating what we have...

You may ideally want another child, or maybe even two more, but would you like to eventually be a single parent to just two children...? If your DH decides to take a firm stance on this and does indeed see, as you so rightly point out, that this issue does actually highlight quite a stark difference in your life goals and what you both value most highly in life, it could cause major problems in your relationship.

I know that a lot of people subscribe to the view that life is too short to compromise on happiness but sometimes maybe we have to apply the glass half full rather than glass half empty philosophy to our lives.

I think you've answered your own question with the comment "i want my relationship more than another child" Would it be worth breaking up the family you have just to have another child?

Ultimately, from what you've said, your DH's reasons for wanting to limit your family to two children are totally sound - to ensure that you can live well within your means, to not have to worry about every penny and to ensure a comfortable and enjoyable standard of living for you all where you can offer your two children opportunities.

If he's come from a large family where money was an issue and things like holidays and opportunities were limited or non-existent it's only natural that he should feel like this and want something more for his own children. Just because you feel that one or more children = contentment and happiness it doesn't mean the rest of the family will when resources are spread that much more thinly.

I think you need to step back and re-evaluate your stance on increasing your family.

Only you know how big an issue this is to you and to what lengths you are prepared to go in order to get what you want.