DH's Affair - Can't get it out of my mind

[mrsgarybarlow]

Hi. I'm new to this so I'll try to keep it brief.
DH and I split up earlier this year as things weren't working out and we both decided to take some time apart to reassess how we felt.
Only he used his time out to sleep with someone else. Apparently it was only a one night stand and he regrets it and all that. It was after we had had a row and I'd told him to fuck off, so he says he did it out of spite too.
Back in September we agreed to try again and we do still love each other and actually things are very much better now.
The problem is I can't get the thought of him sleeping with her out of my mind. I'm tortured by it, I'm constantly comparing myself to her and feeling like I'm competing against her, even though I know she is no longer in touch with her.
I'm going out of my mind. Sometimes I can't enjoy sex because I think of him with her, and then other times I do enjoy it because I feel like I've 'won' because he's with me not her and its all good.
Its just not healthy all this and he is getting so tired of me keeping on about it, I know he is. He wants to forget the whole of this year and start again, but I don't know if I can.
Sorry if its too long, would like some advice really if anyone else has been in these circumstances.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It sounds as though maybe she has become a kind of focus for you for everything you are feeling re your dh and your self.

Can you somehow access some counselling? I don't think it is necessarily about her exactly iyswim.

You are right I suppose. Its not about her its more about how I feel about me. DH is being so good about it, and he feels guilty.
I'll get up the docs on Monday and talk to them about couseling.
I wish this year had never happened. I used to be so confident now I always feel like I'm not good enough.

Oh I hope I didn't sound patronising or anything. I was thinking more both of you having counselling - relate or such? How would he feel about that?

I know I wud be exactly the same if it were my dh. He has done something so hurtfull and your mind must be spinning with emotions.
But as you say you 'love'each other and things are 'much better'. I think it always seems unfair - dh has slept with someone so to get over it you need to stop feeling hurt and jealous- so hard for you. You need to put it in the past if you are to have a future....I really think counselling is a must.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry I haven't come back sooner. Had computer troubles.
We had another big big row about it on Friday but it cleared the air a bit.
We will try councelling in the new year and I'm going to try to stop it ruining christmas for our dd as she is being effected by all the tension and rows.
Thankyou everyone.

only just seen this - i would like to add that you need to get it out. What you are feeling is not unsual or wrong.

His way of dealing with things was to sleep around and you have to accept this but he also needs to understand that your needs are that you need to know about it and not just forget it.

Of course he wants to forget it - but you need to know and feel safe that if you ever told him to fuck off again he wouldnt do the same thing again - do you think he really gets that bit?

Anyway good luck you can make it work but dont let him say you need to forget it now - you need to work this through for yourself and once YOU feel safe again it will fade into the past - but it is early days and you must look after yourself.