Is there much truth in the belief that your childhood (and any fuck ups in it) make you the adult that you are. So can you blame your parents if your life is shit?

[tiredemma]

This could be pretty long so I apologise in advance.

I have long blamed my mother for the way my brothers life panned out, most recently I have really tried hard to build a relationship with her, I know that she regrets a lot of choices that she made but I don't feel that she tries hard enough to make amends ( I dont even know what I would really expect her to do to make amends)

Brief history- in my family was me, my brother (3 years younger than me), mom and dad. We lived on a council estate ( not actually a bad place to live) but both parents worked (shifts mainly).
I have a large ( massive even) extended family and looking back on my early childhood, I have to say that it was happy. We weren't well off by any stretch of the imagination, Christmas would be payed for by Provident loans and likewise with summer holidays (caravan in Rhyl).

When I was 17 ( and my brother 14) my parents started arguing. A lot. They had always argued but always made up. My mom started going out a lot with our next door neighbour who was a barmaid.
My parents had an argument one night and my mom stormed out of the house and we didn't know where whe was for two weeks. My dad had suspected at this point that she was having an affair, so although she was 'missing'- we knew she was alive but with another man. She returned after two weeks to collect her belongings and left to live with this man.

A lot of things happened around this time, I got so fed up of homelife that I went to work abroad. My dad was left at home with my brother, having to work shifts to keep a roof over their heads ( my mom had also taken out a loan for 8k and left this debt with my dad). so he was working evey hour God sent to keep the house.

So my brother was more or less left alone to a degree. 14 years old, always closer to my mom, began truanting from school (no-one at home to enforce his attendence at school).Eventually (by the age of 16) addicted to Heroin, addicted to Crack by 18, Prison by 21. Various severe self-harm and suicide attempts. Lost I suppose.

he is clean from drugs now although is on a faily high dose of methadone, which if he reduces over the next few months, he can go into Rehab to become methadone free. Which will help him with trying to find a stable job

He cannot seem to cope with 'life'- my reason for posting stems from a conversation that I had with my nan on the phone yesterday, she said that he had turned up at her house on sunday night to visit her and my grandad and became very tearful, crying. Made her feel so sad and in the conversation she blamed my mom for how his life has turned out. I feel that I agree with her- but is it really that simple to blame my mom for how his life has turned out.

He is a lovely brother, i love him so much and often blame myself also for leaving him and going abroad when he needed me most. I alternate between feeling desperately sad and sorry for him, to feeling frustrated and angry with him as he appears to be going nowhere in life - I sometimes feel that my relationship is toxic, it causes me so much stress.

He seems to be 'stuck' at age 14, unable to make 'adult' decisions.

I try hard not to blame my mom for all this, really I do.

Sorry for rambling.

its a bit simplistic to blame your mum or yourself. I'm sure it played a part but ultimately he made the choice to go on drugs etc
I think the only way you get better from addiction/depression is to let go of the past.

you make your own choices in life regardless of the circumstances of your childhood and upbringing

Thats exactly what I mean, its too simple isnt it to blame others? But then I try to understand how hard it must have been for him at that age and see how easy it would have been for him to become involved in drugs. If he had a 'happy' home or even a mother who cared after she left- I cant ever see him getting involved in drugs.

well, I had a shitty home life. dad left when I was 6 and my mother's drunken boyfriend beat the living shit out of us most days for years. No food in the house etc etc.
I didn't choose drugs. I did get depressed but I don't blame my mother or siblings. I made a choice not to ever put up with anything from a man and to try and make something of my life.
Sure its hard.
And poeple from well off 'happy' homes get involved with drugs too.

of course a shit childhood will affect how you are as an adult.

It's rather simplistic (sorry harley, I do love you) to say you make your own choices about your life when you may have been "programmed" to deal with things in a certain way based on your upbringing.

I frequently find myself acting like my hideous father and want to kill myself for it. It is a constant battle for me to keep that in reign.

I won't go into my own details here but suffice it to say that once you have acknowledged the fact that it exists you may now take steps to not fall into same patterns or if you have already, identify ways to rectify that. Some people need help with that, vis a vis counsellling, etc.

to be brutally honest about your brother I would seroiusly consider having him on "suicide watch"

Tiredemma, it sounds like you've got a lot to deal with. Poor you. I hope things get better soon.

I think the answer is both yes and no about whether your childhood is reponsible for the life you live as an adult. Certainly your childhood influences have a lot to do with the person you become, but it is by no means pre-ordained. We all have the ability to break free from old patterns, whether good or bad.

Your brother has made a monumental step by admitting he has a problem and starting himself on a programme. I am not going to underestimate the power of an addiction to Heroin. It does ruin lives and there are no guarantees. But take heart from the fact that many people do kick this habit. Those who quit successfully usually cite good family support and good counselling as key factors. You sound like a very supportive sister, so he's got one of those factors already.

I don't think it is helpful to anyone to blame your mother for your brother's addiction. He is now an adult with responsibility for his own life and blaming your mother isn't going to achieve a magical resolution of all his problems. However, during counselling he probably would be encouraged to deal with his issues surrounding your mother, exploring how her actions made him feel and what decisions and behaviour he made as a result and the patterns he set himself for his future life.

Blame and understanding are not the same thing. Blame draws a line under something without tackling it. Understanding something confronts a problem head on and allows you to start finding solutions, which is much healthier for everyone concerned, even when blame is entirely justified.

I would encourage you to just carry on being supportive to your brother as you have done, but also to really encourage him to concentrate on getting beyond his past through counselling. If you have the time and the mental stamina, there are lots of good self-help books out there about this sort of thing that might help you to understand your brother and how best to support him, though it's important to remember that he is the one that needs to want to make those changes if he is going to succeed.

You can also help by encouraging him to make new friends, as breaking free of the drug-based circle of friends is vital. Many addicts fail because of the loneliness involved in this.

Good luck.

Thank you optimist.

How sad.

I agree that it is too simplistic to blame your mother wholly for your DB's life choices but by the same token he was only 16 when he was addicted to heroin for gods sake. He was a child. Yes, "he made the choice to go on drugs" but he made that choice at 14 or 15 years old. How 'informed' was that choice, really ?

I had a pretty crappy childhood (alcoholic father who gambled, was a very violent & controlling husband and an abusive father, then a very acrimonious separation which included the reposession of our family home, then passed from pillar to post whilst they each found a secure place to live etc, then a few years living with my father and his gf who was severly beaten by him and took it out physically on me, who was between 7 and 11), but I think it made me a strong, independant person.

I guess you can go either way, it depends on your personality. You can either draw strength from the awfulness and vow that you will not 'let it beat you' or you can get drawn into a cycle of (understandable) self-pity and turning to substances etc to block out the crappy stuff. I can easily see how your brother fell into the life he did and I think you are right about his emotional development being stunted at 14

I'm really sad to hear about your brother, tiredemma.

My younger brother (also three years younger than me) got the brunt of it when my parents finally split up -- because he was still at home and I had gone to university by then. And it must have been hard and lonely for him. My mother was drinking far too much and my dad was over-controlling and interfering in an unhelpful way.

In lots of ways he is still badly marked. But he has made it to the point where is is a brilliant dad to three children and a wonderful partner to his girlfriend. But he is sad. so are my sister and I. And I do blame my parents - but only partly. They are one factor among several. We are still responsible for ourselves. And I can't say I feel angry with them (not very), just influenced by them. Like I would feel about a genetic heritage, perhaps. Perhaps.

I had what others would call a shitty upbringing.
Dad beat up my mum.
Mum left Dad when I was 5, we all had to go into a refuge, we had to change our names go into hiding.
English kid in Scottish school, life at school was HELL.
Then life at home, in shitty council estate, worried about my dad finding us, which he did very quickly. Then he got access to me and I HATED HIM, really didnt want to see him but the social workers etc insisted I did.
Never any money, any holidays etc, my mum let me do whatever I liked, no boundarys. (think she had given up, I was youngest by 10 years)
When I left school and picked up forms for college noone helped me fill them in, everyone else seemed to have a plan...and I didnt.
The only constant was my Mum who loved us all, and she was always there, even if she couldnt help with homework, or whatever, she always put us first. When there were boyfriends she would STILL put us first and somehow I knew this was a rarity.

My friends mum left at 14 and she ended up a junkie. I blamed this more on her father for throwing £20 notes at her instead of spending time with her rather than her mum leaving, although I guess that wouldnt have helped.

without going into my own circumstances, i had a fairly shit time as a kid. yeah i went through being a hellraiser as a teenager, but every choice i made was my own, how could i blame anyone else on it. if i fuck up its because i fuck up, and i dont blame anyone else on it.
but thats just me
i have a close family member who blames the world on everything and will take no responsibility on sorting her life out
yes your childhood affects you, but dont blame your life as an adult on it
certainly get help where you need it though

Oh I really feel for you.You have both been through a terrible time and I know you may sometimes feel you want to blame your Mum or yourself for everything,but the past is the past,you cannot change it and what counts is the here and now...and the future.
Your brother may have still gone down the drugs/prison path,even if your Mum had stayed....nobody knows,what may have been.
You must not blame yourself.

My advice is to keep being there for your brother and talking to him,helping him in any way you can.

I too had a difficult upbringing.I wont go into too much detail apart from that it involved alot of violence and an incident of sexual abuse.{NOT from a family member I must stress}
I began to use drugs and was drunk every weekend and sometimes during the week for many years,trying to blot out the memories.....
If it wasnt for meeting my hubby,I would have carried on using drugs and possibly ventured onto something harder..
I was 'just' using recreational drugs,and promised I would NEVER touch Heroin or Cocaine.....
but,when I smoked pot,I said I wouldnt touch speed,LSD or Ecstacy.....and I did....
Trying to lay blame is self destructive...try and accept what has happened and make steps to look forward...its the only way.
Your brother has done very well in getting off the drugs,so thats one good step in the right direction.Everything doesnt always fall into place....it takes time.
I hope he does get into rehab and gets the help he needs.Even after rehab,its still a long road....
Just please keep encouraging him,and try not to talk about your Mum with Grandma in front of him.He may also blame your Mum deep down,but he may not want to hear it said out loud.
I,m here if you ever need a 'chat'

but harley some people just aren't strong enough.

ime you can go one of two ways, you can be beaten down and incapable of digging yourself out of bad patterns and falling into drugs, drink, co-dependency, etc. or you can be strong and swear it won't happen to you.

Yet, despite this strength your personality will almost inevitably have been formed by the major influences of your childhood.

noiamnot, yes you are right
my perception of things gets clouded over by my own personal circumstances, im the type to get up and get on with it, sometimes dont show enough consideration or empathy towards others
of course others react and cope differently

Thanks everyone for replying. It helps to offload on here. Thanks for sharing an offering advice.

emma - I wasn't being flippant about the suicide watch thing (in case I came across that way). From what you described and your brother's age, he is, unfortunately, a prime candidate for suicide.

Only read the title as in a rush.

Of course what happens to you as a child shapes you for the future. It is how you deal with it that is key.

I know you wasnt being flippant

Although he is low, I know he is not suicidal at the moment. although obv this can change, I know.

Emma, on a personal note and feel free to ignore the question, but do you feel that your life experiences (including those of your brother) have influenced your career choice as a nurse specialising in mental health ?

Nom- Yes, not originally intentionally, but I cant deny that it has driven me to do this branch of nursing.

And it is helpful to work within MH settings, I was able to direct him towards the Personality Disorder service (which no-one else seemed bothered to do), and working with a substance misuse team helped me understand much, much more about drug abuse, and how to help him.

It's interesting that you have taken the 'positive' route and your DB has gone down the self destruct road.

I'm glad he's admitting he has a problem and he is trying to help himself. You sound like a very supportive sister, he is lucky to have you

So in synopsis: Mum leaves home to start up with another man. Dad stays at home with DB and works all hours to keep a roof over their heads.

Your DB decides to major on the 'Mum story' and blame all his ills on that. How about majoring on the 'Dad story'! Why didn't DB take inspiration from your Dad and knuckle down to school and a Saturday job?

I can sympathise a little with your DB because childhood does influence your life but you can only trade on this excuse for so long. How pathetic would it be if he was 50 years old and still blaming his parents? He has to grow up and accept responsibility for his own life at some stage. The question is: when?

shithappens- my brother has never blamed anyone- I do.

Of course childhood experiences affect personality and behaviour. It's simply a plain fact. Otherwise children left to rot in loveless Romanian orphanages would be just the same and be just as mentally healthy and competent as your kids, for example. I don't know why people are so keen to deny this.
Where the neglect/abuse/trauma is less, so the effects may be less, but much depends on personality, genetics (that there can be a genetic predisposition to addiction is also pretty clear) and timing.
As your brother was younger than you then he is likely to have been more affected by the disappearance of his mother and the lack of parenting he then received than you were.
People do overcome the bad things that happen to them, but to describe self-destructive behaviour in terms of 'choices' is overly simplistic.