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Original poster

What do you do when you realise your interactions with your partner bore you to tears

26 replies

arabella2 · 12/12/2008 09:39

I walked past my daughter's teacher (actually he was her teacher last year) this morning and he disinterestedly said hi, realised my crush on him and the attendant fantasy that he "understood" me and is super interesting and funny is just a pile of tosh as I hardly know him. Sooooo am left with the reality of my life with my dh which is fine in that we have 3 lovely kids, a house (even though he is very stressed paying mortgage) etc.... but I am bored by our interactions and want to meet more and interesting people to talk to and share ideas with - he is quite censorious in a way and also fairly bad tempered and critical often, when he is stressed which is a lot of the time. I don't want to knock my life with him as of course you are not always going to be madly "in love" and I do feel comfortable with him, but am finding his cynicism, prejudices, constant lectures and constant watching of the tv a pain in the neck. Our family life is cosy but I so would like to know other people (and not only other mothers) more in depth.... anybody relate??? Not really a problem this, just sharing ideas...

OP posts:
noiamnot · 12/12/2008 09:41

You need a "hobby".

Join a club. Go to the gym.

Volunteer somewhere.

You are bored. Don't put it on your dh (though obviously he is being boring).

Original poster
arabella2 · 12/12/2008 10:05

Yes and I suppose the grass is always greener even though it isn't in reality. I am doing 2 short courses this year which helps but also puts a bit more pressure on us because I then neglect other things. It's just that thought that I will never have the opportunity to be intimate (as in intellectually or emotionally) with another man. Sorry, I know it's not very kind to my dh and anyway wouldn't want to rock already slightly shaky boat but everything is predictable - don't like much of his family either - 2 of his sisters are real dragons though his Mum is fine. That's kind of by the by as we don't see them a lot, but in the end he is one of his brothers and sisters - they are all convinced they are always right and are all fairly bad tempered.... I like my dh when he is more relaxed and we do have a laugh sometimes but it's not exciting at all... Sorry, all this sounds puerile I know.

OP posts:
Fennel · 12/12/2008 10:08

I think having conversation after conversation with the same person, decade after decade, is bound to get a bit boring. I have a cosy relationship with DP but sometimes I just want someone new, with a new perspective.

I just have friends who I talk to a lot as well, and I'm realistic, I don't think anyone would be fascinating if you've lived wiht them for 14 years. How can they be as interesting as someone new? it's just the reality of a long term relationship. Which can be cosy and comforting and supportive and so on, but how can it be scintillatingly exciting when you know all their views already?

Ohforfoxsake · 12/12/2008 10:09

Hello? Are you me? Or are we married to the same man?

noiamnot · 12/12/2008 10:09

how long have you been married?

Sounds like there is a lot of stress.

When is the last time the two of you did something on your own together? Had a weekend break?

hockeypuck · 12/12/2008 10:10

I second noiamnot. I totally understand how you feel arabella2 and I feel exactly that way. I started studying and a more interesting job and now have lots of interesting people, interesting conversations and excitement in my life. Te trouble is, the boredom and resentment doesn't go away, in fact if anything, meeting interesting people makes you more aware of the faults with your family and makes resentment worse. Hey Ho. Actually, I genuinely don;t think that the grass is greener for most people, most relationships would go this way after goodness knows how many years, so finding a new job, course or hobby with really diverse people (none of my new friends from work or course are mums and that's what I like about it) can help keep some balance in your life.

Good luck

Original poster
arabella2 · 12/12/2008 10:12

No, it's true, we never do anything just the 2 of us - we have been together for I think 14 years next year. Yes Ohforfoxsake - I think we are!!! No, I know, anyone after a while would become the same - you would be able to predict what they say about everything though I do think that some people seem to be very impressed and really like their partners a lot even after a long time...

OP posts:
Original poster
arabella2 · 12/12/2008 10:13

Sorry hockeypuck missed your post - but are you and your dh generally ok?

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OrmIrian · 12/12/2008 10:13

Get another interest. Not another man

Spend more time doing different things. Then magically you might find that the man you have at home becomes more interesting. Or not of course. But it might be, and I hesitate to suggest this, that some of his behaviour may because he is finding you a bit uninteresting too. Getting out and meeting other people, doing different things, will benefit you both.

Ohforfoxsake · 12/12/2008 10:17

You can only change yourself, not him. Its your life, so make it enjoyable. He might take an interest, he might not, but you'll have fun.

My DP loves sport, watches it (all the sodding time). I can't stand it.

I grit my teeth a lot and ignore him.

Once in a while we go out together. We chat, drink, sometimes dance. It reminds us why we like each other. And sometimes we have sex. That helps a lot.

Original poster
arabella2 · 12/12/2008 10:18

Yes I am sure he does find me a bit samey as well! Our arguments are always about the same things (generally the state of the house) - I suppose I have more opportunity to do different things whereas in addition to the money stress he is a workaholic who watches TV every night to unwind.... Agree getting another man not the answer, don't see how that could happen anyway somehow...

OP posts:
Original poster
arabella2 · 12/12/2008 10:19

Yes I remember reading somewhere about a couple who had been together a long time and thought that passion had gone but occasionally it surprised them...

OP posts:
noiamnot · 12/12/2008 10:56

It is very stressful time around the holidays but maybe you should consider planning a weekend away together in the new year. Is there anyone who would mind the dc?

ghostbuster · 12/12/2008 11:17

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ghostbuster · 12/12/2008 16:57

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MorrisZapp · 12/12/2008 17:17

I totally relate to this. My dp is gorgeous, kind, loving, fun and easy going. But he isn't very articulate or well read, and I hate to say sometimes I find myself cringing at his lack of intellectual spark.

My decision is to stay with this lovely guy and to seek intellectual stimulation elsewhere, ie to get my conversational kicks with other people - friends, family, workmates etc. Chatting on MN is a big thing too, as listening to the radio, reading etc.

I must admit that the times I notice it the most is when I've been in the company of bright, interesting people (like me, I hope that doesn't sound big headed) or people with sparky wit and original insight etc. I think to myself 'other women have partners who can communicate like this and I don't'.

But then I go home to DP and remember why I have chosen him. It isn't perfect but I'm more then happy with what we have. I take 100% responsibility for entertaining me and keeping me amused - it isn't his job and never has been.

That's how I deal with it, hope that helps.

Anna8888 · 12/12/2008 17:21

Your DH does sound rather tedious.

You need to surprise him and introduce new interests into his life. Of course it would be better if he did this for himself, but rather than wait and be disappointed, it is probably better just to get on with it.

Where do you live? Take him to see films you have chosen and that will surprise him. Cook him new and interesting food. Change all the furniture around in your house. Empty his wardrobe and only keep the interesting clothes. Etc. You need to give him a kick.

littletownofmeglethem · 12/12/2008 17:23

same here. DP can make my eyes glaze over sometimes. We do have an apt at Relate next week in a desperate attempt to get him to communicate a bit.

{{spots pig flying past window]]

ghostbuster · 12/12/2008 19:39

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ghostbuster · 12/12/2008 19:41

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mrsmaidamess · 12/12/2008 19:48

Do you have friends who you can go out with? My dh and I have been together FOREVERRRRR and yes, it can be dull. He is into history, geography, maths and Sudokus, sport etc. I like gossip, shopping and being fabulous. So rarely do we go out together...I actually prefer to see my friends, I have much more fun with them than dh. he has his friends too, that he sees and discusses things that interest him.

But we have a solidity that can't be replicated in friendship. He sees the 'real' me (lucky him!!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is I try to embrace our differences rather than make him more interesting to me. Try and see what is good about your marriage. It won't be perfect, no ones is. And that dishy teacher still picks his nose in the car.

WinkyWinkola · 12/12/2008 19:52

The grass is always greener.

My DH can be so dull. He goes on and on about work. It's a stressful time for him there - and everyone else - so I try to be supportive. If we ever have a boom time again in this country, I won't be so tolerant!

Meanwhile, I try to lighten things up with anecdotes about the children. Can you ever reminisce together about times before the children and get a laugh that way?

How's your sex life? Sorry if not read thread and you've already divulged this info.

I really think that time away together - with activities built in so you've got something to talk about - is really good idea. It's good to just prat about together. Do anything, one thing but together. Are your children old enough for you to go away?

ghostbuster · 12/12/2008 19:54

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WinkyWinkola · 12/12/2008 20:38

Of course, I totally feel a stab of regret about butterflies. I do develop crushes on people which is childish and will never ever be acted upon anyway but it kind of staunches the need for butterflies.

I've had loads of butterflies in my life anyway. I guess the real challenge is to recreate them with DH. ...fancying people from afar is the easy bit.

I don't have any answers though. Just agreement that it's tough, dull but a lot is down to the individual, the pairing etc. .

midlandsmumof4 · 13/12/2008 01:01

I absolutely love my hubby to bits (sorry if thats an old fashioned term), we've been together for nearly 30 years (married for 23yrs) and have 4 sons. We have both always worked full time and he has always had a social life-I haven't. He had an affair 15 years ago which I managed to overcome. I'm dreading our retirement. He wants to move to Spain because it will be just us. It may seem strange but I don't really know how much we have in common any more as our boys are grown up. I love him but don't know if its actually enough.