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Relationships

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Original poster

What do you censor when you talk to your mother?

19 replies

OrmIrian · 12/12/2008 09:25

I talk to my mother a lot more now than when I was younger. Something to do with having my own children and having more in common with her. But I still don't tell her certain things. For example she told me the other night how much better I seemed now - but I didn't tell her I was taking anti-D's. Not such a contentious issue but I just felt uncomfortable. Just one example but there are many other areas that I don't go near with my mum.

I was very protected as a child. Both DB and myself were insulated from the nastiness of life. And somehow it's left me with a feeling that I can't discuss certain things with her. Which is a shame. I'd love the sort of open relationship some mothers and daughters share.

OP posts:

LouieStrumpet · 12/12/2008 09:42

I censor A LOT when it comes to talking with my mother - but one of the biggest things was how I got married.

I was in England when my dh proposed and he was visiting his family in India. The rest of my family including my mother were in New Zealand. I went to India to get married and my mother said she was coming over, but by that time the wedding had already been arranged and finalised for a date that was before she would be coming.

So I lied to her and said that we were having a small ceremony before she came and then the proper ceremony when she arrived. In reality I had the full-blown traditional Indian wedding with about 200 guests before she arrived.

I feel a bit guilty about that, but tbh we have a bit of a strained relationship and she didn't ask me whether she could come, she just rushed in, I think she thought she was going to save me from my dh (she doesn't like him much)!

TheButterflyEffect · 12/12/2008 09:45

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TheButterflyEffect · 12/12/2008 09:45

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NomDePlume · 12/12/2008 09:47

Nothing

Mum and I have a very much friend/friend relationship rather than mother/daughter, so to be honest nothing is censored

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/12/2008 10:08

That is lovely ndp. We are getting better but she's in her late 70s now. Weird that we are closer now that she's so0 much older. I feel quite sad for her too as i have always had the impression that she's been a little lonely. Never had close friends.

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NomDePlume · 12/12/2008 10:28

Orm, it is nice but it did cause a few problems when I was pg and later when DD was tiny. Mum was never particularly maternal, I suppose (she admits this herself), although I never doubted for one second that she loved/loves me.

It was great when I was 14/15 because she was the 'cool mum' who let me do pretty much whatever I wanted (I did have my head screwed on so I suppose she trusted me) but when I was pregnant and really wanted my Mum to be a mum, IYSWIM, she wasn't and I resented her for that. Unreasonable on part I suppose because I was the who had changed, not her.

It took DH to phone my Mum (who lives 1hr 45m away) to say that her distant nature and lack of interest in how DD was getting on (she wouldn't ask during phonecalls) was hurting me beyond belief. It was a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I found that very hurtful, especially given that I am her only child.

Mum was devastated and said that the reason she was being distant was because she was worried about being one of those mothers/MIL's who are always interfering and 'I know best' about their grandchildren, so she went to the other extreme. I'm still not sure how true that is (DD is now 6) and it has been a bit of an uphill battle to keep communication open with her because we are still o'ut of sight, out of mind' for her to a degree. She is so laid back, she is almost horizontal. Although she has got much better in the last 2 or so years.

Having a friend relationshp with your mother is a bit of a double edged sword, I think.

BitOfFun · 12/12/2008 10:50

Wow, interesting to hear about the mahoosive wedding- I thought I was bad!
I didn't tell my mum when I got engaged in Venice, because she had been such a massive support to me extricating myself from by previous relationship, helping me get a new mortgage even, and I didn't want her to worry I was jumping blind into another relationship (it had only been six months). I wanted to give her a chance to see me happy with him over time, which now she has.

I also don't talk about sex, going out, sleeping in or wasting time online! I don't have a bad relationship with her at all, but I guess I still hate feeling disapproved of by her.

needmorecoffee · 12/12/2008 10:53

I censor most things. religion, immigrants (she is a DM reader), my children and how I raise them, animals (she worships them and puts them before her family)

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/12/2008 12:52

Oh yes religion, politics etc are a no-no. Wouldn't even think about that. Her views are not mine on many things But I was thinking more about personal, emotional things. Over the years I've learned a lot about how sad and neglectful her childhood was in many ways and I feel so unhappy that she felt unable to talk about it with me (or anyone else for that matter).

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DeckHallsWithFIMBOughsofHolly · 12/12/2008 12:58

My mother and father have been married for 50 years. My father like his father before him has molly coddled my mother over the years, he does absolutely everything for her, so much so she is almost child like and has tantrums. She is in her mid 70's, so the chances of this changing are nil.

Therefore I keep the conversation to small talk. I never ever tell her when the dc are ill as she phones every 5 minutes for updates.

I don't see her very often, she drives me loopy when I do as she cannot do anything for herself.

Ewe · 12/12/2008 13:16

I don't censor anything when talking to my Mum, we are very close. We speak on the phone at least twice a day. She doesn't censor anything with me either which can be a little odd as I know things about her marriage etc that make it very hard to like my Step Dad but I am glad she is as open with me as I am with her.

However, like NDP my Mum is not massively maternal so sometimes isn't as Motherly as I would like, but nobody is perfect and I would rather a relationship like I have with my Mum than friends who have very Mumsy Mums who they can't talk to.

georgimama · 12/12/2008 13:24

I don't bad mouth my husband, even on the rare occasions he deserves it - not fair to him or her.

I don't talk to her about money problems.

Other than that I would and do talk to her about anything.

smellyeli · 12/12/2008 13:32

We speak most days, she is great, has been brilliant since the children were born. Very helpful with breastfeeding (she BF'd three of us) and very good at not saying anything judgemental about our parenting skills. We discuss religion, politics, current affairs etc. - always have done in our house (but not the in-laws - whole new thread there....)

BUT, I never mention:

Money. She does not believe in debt, buys all her Christmas presents in charity shops (or Aldi) and would scream if she knew that I have paid more for a pair of shoes than she used to for a weekly family-of-five shop.....

Stress. She does not believe in it. Ditto depression. I have had (mild) PND after both children and never really discussed it with her. I phoned he once from uni, homesick and crying, and she asked me to phone back when I'd pulled myself together, as there was very little she could do over the phone.

The failings of my DH. She thinks the sun shines out of his a*se, and will not enter into any debates about what he has done/not done.

The really annoying thing is that she has a point on all of these things! Grrrrrr! I love her, she's great.

BitOfFun · 12/12/2008 14:21

I like the sound of your mum too!

smellyeli · 12/12/2008 16:46

I know, bitoffun - she is ace really, all my friends love her. One of my good friends doesn't have a mum any more - and when I'm cross with mine, I just try and remember that I'm very grateful she's still around.

Guitargirl · 12/12/2008 16:50

I don't tell her about any arguments with DP. I don't complain about my job anymore as she has no comprehension about the pressures am under at work and trying to talk to her about it just frustrates me even more...

pushchair · 12/12/2008 17:10

I have a much better relationship with my mother than when I was young. Since I was 30ish and we had a massive falling out. Some home truths were aired.
Now we talk about most things but not-my lack of sex drive or my interest in new pushchairs. A strange combination of subjects.

TheInvisibleManDidItWithSanta · 12/12/2008 17:10

Well, I can talk to her about my ds's (are they well, how they're doing in school, what they've been doing at the weekend), and how she and my dad are, and the weather, and erm..that's about it really.

I can speak about dh, she really likes him, but it is just the general how is he, how's his work.

She doesn't live nearby though so we just send a txt every couple of weeks or maybe phone once a month.

Alot of threads today about growing up and relationships with mothers. Very interesting to see how close people are to their parents. Really want to be close to my boys and their families when they're grown up, but worry I won't know how because I don't have a this kind of relationship with my parents.

pigleto · 12/12/2008 17:18

I don't tell her my worries.

We don't discuss cooking because she thinks we eat wierd health food and I think she eats lard.

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