DP 99% ticking all the boxes - do I forgo the last 1%? advice gladly received

[CMJ]

So, I've been with DP for 11 years (our 2nd LT relationship for both of us) and we have 3 DCs. I've been doing a fair amount of soul-searching (and been to Relate as a couple and on my own) over the past few months and have almost come to the conclusion that DP is not ticking the last 1% box. I cannot put my finger on what this is and how it can be "ticked" by him. All I know is that it's there.

Anyone else in a similar situation. Do we stay together (for the kids)? I know not. Do we go our own seperate ways and find I miss him terribly and wish we were still a partnership. Lots of things go through my mind - grass being greener, better the devil you know etc.....

Anyone with an experience who can share it with me would be gratefully received.

do you love him?

does everyone/anyone always have 100% ticked??

Do a list of the boxes he does tick, it might give you a clearer picture.

do you tick all the boxes for him?

bit of a strange attitude imo
isn't marriage a partnership of two adults who love each other despite their negatives
nobody is 100% perfect imo

A good relationship takes effort and thought. I would be mortified if my DH talked about me "ticking boxes", I am not sure that is a healthy way to view your life partner.

Have you talked to your DP about your feelings? From reading your post it almost sounds like he does fufill all your criteria but you have just lost that "magic" feeling. That is not surprising after 3DCs and 11 years. Do you think that is it? Or is there something specific that is worrying you?

CMJ -
If I wrote a list of the things my perfect man would have then my DH would tick most of the boxes but not all of them - however the things he doesn't have are not big reasons not to be with him - I love him - he loves me - he adores our children.

I don't think anyone ticks all the boxes I think it's whether the things that you don't like/aren't what you want are things that you can live with forever.

It sounds to me like that last box is actually a bigger share than 1%. If you're doubting your relationship at all, it's more than a mere 1% .
For me, my partner's smelly cigarette habit is a 1 % box. I'm not about to leave him for it, no matter how much I hate it. If I did I could end up with a non-smoking dullard who doesn't get any of my jokes.

You've been together 11 years, have three children and you're considering leaving him and breaking up your family for something that you can't quite put your finger on?

Wow! 99% good? surely that's a rarity?

DEYSIW has hit the nail on the head I feel - it prob is more than 1% in that I am doubting my relationship but trying to see a way forward as a couple.

We've been through alot on the past 11 years (lots of deep damage which I don't want to go into) and now I want to see a positive future which may mean we go our own seperate ways.

I'm with you frogs
op sounds crazy and a little self absorbed

It depends very much what the missing thing is. If the '1%' dissatisfaction centres on you wishing he would stop slapping you around then that's definitely worth leaving over even if he is handsome, rich and good in bed.
If it's a libido mismatch (one of you wants an active sex life, the other one really doesnt want to bother) then this can be dealt with if it's addressed, discussed, and both sides are prepared to compromise, but if one person is adopting the ostrich position then resentment will slowly but surely destroy the relationship.
Is it something you could get from someone else, ie a shared hobby/interest?

maybe the last 1% is the amount he is holding back because he knows you are not completely committed.
How can you expect a relationship to be perfect when you are standing on the touchline scoring it?

I only ask because you may not realise that your 'distance' is the very thing your relationship actually suffers from

what frogs said

It sounds like you are unhappy, and trying to pin this on your relationship. Is (regular) counselling on your own an option?

This is just ridiculous, so your DP meets 99% of the arbitary criteria you've decided you want in a man and you're still unsure This seems incredibly self absorbed, judgemental and intolerant to me. You will never find anyone who is 100% perfect all the time...

Do you tick 100% of his boxes?

Agree that you have your percentages wrong. 99% of everything you want in a man would be brilliant!

You do need to work out what it is that's missing, because the crucial question is whether it's a deal-breaker for you. Presumably it has't been till now, with 11 years and 3 kids behind you. But that's where you probably do have to think about the damage done in the past.

Could you, not thinking about your current DP, list the really key things for you in a relationship? Those are surely what anyone has to focus on. If you really can't put your finger on what's missing, I don't see how it can be enough to break up the family.

Sounds as though you're trying to express/explain unhappiness in your relationship by working it out semi- scientifically, but I don't think you deserve to be criticised for that. You're not buying a house or a car, though.
So much of it is about how you FEEL - and that's not really a tickable box, is it? Is the 1% you refer to the bit about loving him enough? I've thought about my relationship with Dh and behind all the niggles and what you would refer to as boxes he doesn't tick, the overwhelming feeling is that I love him so much I don't want to be without him - and that's a strong gut feeling that overwhelms the rest of it, but is obviously based on a number of good practical things about him too. Make any sense?

you cannot describe someone on a tick chart...the fact that you are contemplating leaving seems to indicate that you think you could do better...you appear to not love him...