Advice please - relationship concerns and don't know what to do...

[scarlotti]

Hi
I'm married with 2 dc's (14, 3), one is dh's one isn't, and am 2 months preg.
I don't know whether to continue with my marriage or not and feel like i'm going around in circles. We've been married for just over a year and the niggles that were there before we got married just seem to have increased. He's constantly moaning he's tired, even though I get up during the night if need be (luckily that's rare) and 6 out of 7 mornings. On the 1 morning he does get up, he then goes back to bed for a couple of hours when I take the kids out. Even though we get a good 7 hours + of sleep every night he still complains of being tired and lacking energy. He says he's maybe mildly depressed but won't see anyone about it as doesn't want to go on AD's. trying to get him to do stuff is hard, like sorting out the garden or house things and I tend to end up doing it then or it's left.
I do most of the stuff around the house and am also the main earner (by quite a significant amount). I've had to save up to cover maternity both this time and last with no input from DH. I've worked hard to get to this position and would love to move nearer to family, downsize and realise the results of hard work by getting a less stressful job and/or spending more time with the children. DH has always said he wants to advance his career here and pay off more of the mortgage before we move - all fine in theory but 5 years on he's still in same job, same low wage and it's muggins having to do all the graft.
It's affecting the way I look at him now, it's hard to find someone attractive when you feel you're always the one having to do it all and don't get any support. I had ond after DS and got no support from him at all. When I asked him why, he said his way of dealing with things is to put his head in the sand if he doesn't know what to do and hope it goes away.
I've also had DD telling me she feels like second best/rate with DH - I told his this but he's done nothing to fix it and agrees that he feels differently towards her. He said it was wearing him out so much he's decided he can't expend any more energy thinking about it.

I guess I'm looking for people's thoughts - have tried to give a broad overview of what's going on but it's hard on a post.

I'm not sure he's ever been my mr fireworks, he's a nice enough guy but is never going to set the world alight. He seems quite happy to ride on my coat tails though and enjoy all the things that working hard brings, without having to put any of the effort in.

So what do you think...?

Sorry for short msg but have to leave for school run. Your DH does sound depressed and I think you do need to find a way to get him to the GPs - perhaps say that he could have counselling and noone can force him to have ADs?

Hope others can think of some more helpful advice for you

X

Oh, dear - me too re: school run.

But I agree that he sounds depressed. I think you need to be honest with him - does he realize how you feel?

Erm, what are his good points, exactly? He sounds like a drain on you and a waste of space TBH.
If he has good points (great shag, good at running baths/cooking/making you laugh when you're fed up) it's worth sitting down and working out whether the good points make up for the negative ones of him being a lazy useless whiner. If not, then you might want to consider taking steps to get rid of him (check out your legal position WRT house, maintenance etc).

I think you need to sort out the relationship between your older child and your husband as that is not going to improve otherwise.

Make a GP appointment for him and make him go.

sticksantaupyourchimney - he is a good cook and does all the cooking, and can make me laugh so there possibly is something to work on.

As for a great shag though - sadly not all that. I've never really enjoyed kissing him as he's not the best kisser. No strength and passion in there - guess that mirrors his personality in that respect.

I do feel as though he's draining me and that's my concern - my natural state is full of life and positivity and that's the atmosphere I want to bring up my children in.

Can you force someone to go to the GP though? I've talked to him plenty but he still has to walk through the door on his own.

Well, if he really won't go there has to be consequences. You have given up a lot and your DD is unhappy partly because of him.

Can I ask, why did you marry him? If you've only been married for a year, there must have been something there in the first place.

Can you work on what you had originally, to see if you can re-create that?

I agree that he needs to see the doctor, but it will be hard to get him there unless he agrees.

I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel about things, and that his depression/mood/demeanour is a big issue. I would also consider some ultimatums - if you don't get this sorted out, I'm booking us into Relate, or whatever.

Unfortunately you can't force someone to go to the doctor - or indeed to take medication if they are prescribed it (even in the case of people who are severely mentally ill, forcing them to take their medication is a tricky procedure...) You can't force him to attend Relate with you either - though you can go on your own and might find it helpful.

But I wonder whether he is clinically depressed or just a selfish whiner. 'I can't expend any more energy on this' sounds a bit too calculated ie 'I want my own way. My feelings are more important than anyone else's. I am Depressed so must be indulged (but not so depressed I can't see what a cushy number I've got.'
It's probably reasonable to sit him down and say that you can't continue like this, and that if he doesn't take some definite steps to improve things within, say, a month, then you'll have to think about splitting up (though make sure you are fully informed about the legal position before you have the conversation, it always helps to know the facts). Because it is very draining to live with a whiner.

Thanks for all your advice ladies.

I think I will suggest that we both go and speak to someone - whether it be relate or somewhere similar, and then I would imagine they will also suggest that he is mildly depressed.

To be fair to him, he's not always like this. Times of stress make it worse but as I'm pregnant I know there are stressful (and lack of sleep) times ahead so am trying to be prepared.

I have bene in a previous relationship with someone who eventually was diagnosed with acute depression so I do know what the effects to those around you are - it's certainly not a road I'd want to travel again so let's hope this can be nipped in the bud.