PILs making me wish I'd never got married.

[Ihavetochangename]

I got married a couple of months ago. His parents have been over-bearing and infuriating from the beginning. The original plan was that he move in with me and my DD (so not to disrupt her school as she'd recently started secondary). Upon hearing this, his bloody pathetic mother started crying and going on that she was "losing" her only son (he lived in the next street to her and had done all his life) so he went cold on the idea. I agreed to move in to his house even though it meant giving up by rare council house in a good area and dragging DD to the other end of the city.

When MIL found out I'd agreed to move she sat me down and started going on about where I could shop etc! She started with "hope you don't mind, but our doctors are coloured" for a start, why the hell would that bother me and secondly, who was to say I'd be using the same doctor as them??

Then it was "The hairdresser WE use is Jackies on the corner..." There are 3 other hairdressers down the street but no, I had to use the same as her. She told me where 'we' get our fruit and veg from (as she has been shopping at the same place for years) and what butchers I was supposed to use.

Last week she called my daughter 'lazy' as she used the front door. Apparantly "they" never use the front door so she had a right go at her.

FIL came down the other day with a tin of paint to "tell" me he was going to paint our front door. Neither of them knock when they come in, just walk straight through.

There is other stuff too but I honestly can't stand the woman. DD is unhappy and I wish I'd never re-married

Lock the door or fit a chain
Shop where you like
Buy some lambs testicles from the butcher and give them to your DH as he obviously has none of his own (sorry, I'm sure he's lovely but unless he's under 18 he should be doing his own thing)

Sounds to me like your DH is the problem here. It's up to him to deal with his family and keep them at an appropriate distance.

He won't say anything to them. Same with work, they ask him if he wants to do overtime and he ALWAYS agrees, even though he knows I'm stuck here on my own all weekend.

I have no friends around here and my family are at the other side of the city. We make plans to go out on a weekend, I spend all week looking foward to it and then he comes in on Friday night and says "Barry asked me to work Saturday and Sunday, I said I would" and when I kick off he starts crying and says he's sorry and didn't realise but he does it every week.

Same on a saturday, MIL has 'decided' that that is her day to come here. So she arrives at about 9am, my DD gets a bath EVERY saturday morning so MIL waits until she's in the bath and then says she needs the toilet which makes DD have to get out of the bath.

Then MIL sits here until lunch time.

what does your dh say?

change your locks

do you still have your old house? move back in

Nothing. When I try and talk to him he just says "I know, I don't want to lose you, I know what they're like..." and I just feel like shouting at him "do something about it then!" rather than just standing there crying and saying he "understands"

sorry but he sounds like a right wet blanket

you need to get another house

He's using tears as a weapon here (crying so you'll back down). I'll bet pounds to a pinch of poo his mother does the same to get her own way.
Get a local paper & turn it to the Houses to Let page and draw rings round a few and leave it where he'll find it. When he mentions it, tell him he's got to decide if he's a husband & step-dad or a little kid

I don't know what it is but you have to sort this now.

Can you go back to your old house?

Get a chain for the door and keep it on all the time.

Go out next Saturday so they can't come in and if they have a key, change the locks.

Tell MIL to use the loo before she comes over and do not make your DD get out of the bath.

Your DD should come first above everyone else.

We've lost the old house now.

DD has had to leave her school and go to a school with a really bad rep and results in our area so she's no longer happy at school. She blames me for everything saying she's going to fail all her exams because the kids in her class just mess around and throw stuff around constantly and the teachers just give up and walk out. She was doing ok in her old school.

I told MIL we were going out last weekend so she said "what time?" so I said "early Saturday morning" so she said "well you can't, I won't be able to get there until 9am".

I would lock the doors but she has a key so would just let herself in.

sorry but i would be moving my dd back to her old school and looking to rent closer to it

and change the locks

There is no way I would have moved to a rubbish school.

Change the locks!!!

I agree with what Iklboo and the previous posters said.

He has to decide if he wants to be your husband or his mother's son. It sounds as if he might need counselling so you may need to have patience while we works through it.

Put a chain and lock on the door. Do NOT let the PIL have a key to the house.

Whenever you don't feel like having MIL around on a Saturday, just tell her you are going out.

Make whatever plans you want for the weekend and go through with them whether or not your husband is there.

My DH regularly used to tell me he would stop working at weekends, work shorter hours and never delivered. I didn't mind him being away so much because he always has been a workoholic, it would be unfair to expect him to change. I did mind being led up the garden path so often. In the end I just let his promises wash over me and went on regardless. I became a lot happier as a result.

The good news now is that we have moved to a new place, DH is no longer working at weekends for his job (he's taken up a college course - good for him) and he makes a real effort to be home early in the evenings.

Shop where-ever you want. MIL will probably feel threatened because you are impuning her judgment over where the best places are. Just tell her 'different strokes for different folks' and refuse to debate it with her.

When your DH starts crying give him a hug and a kiss and tell him "I can see you're upset, I'll leave you to calm down, then we can talk" and leave the room, just like you would with a tantrumming toddler. If the tears don't provoke a reaction from you he'll stop with them after a while. You can do a version of this with MIL, maybe leave out the hug and kiss with her.

If PIL have a go at your DD, tell them in no uncertain terms that YOU are her mother and the are your DH's parents NOT her grandparents. I know frequently step-grandparents can be a blessing, but these people sound like presumptious, controlling pains. Tell your DD you are fine with whatever she has been doing and send her out of the room so she doesn't have to listen to them anymore. They may have a go at you. Do not argue with them, just repeat 'I am fine with what she did and I am her mother'.

show your dh this thread.

the situation is ridiculous. you both need to get better at standing up for yourselves.

do they have any other children?

Was the man this much of a snivelling loser when you agreed to move in with him? He doesn't sound worth the effort in the least: I'd look into moving back to your former area and writing him off TBH.

Oh God...what on earth made you make the decision to give up everything and marry him???!!!
Just get a deadbolt for the door and tell his mother that she can visit when her son is there and only then.

Dear me OP they sound sooo overbearing, I got married recently and will be moving back into DH old house 3 DOORS away from his parents! They are very sweet but are (although no where near as bad as yours) slightly authoritarian I.e Telling me that its best to cut the grass every 4 weeks as thats what they and all the other neighborsdo, and I've to do it my self not let DH do it as he never has and isn't very good. Well he's going to start DMil and soon he will be an excellent grass cutter.

She also tells me what type of washing detergent to use as DH has terrible reactions to any other. I've used the other stuff he is fine.

Oh and also told us what bedroom we should use as the front room shares a wall with next door and there is a toddler in that room.

I think you really need to put your foot down. If your DH is working at the weekends then HE needs to tell her she cant visit, tell her you will shop where you want.
Also stick up for your DD and tell MIL if she has a problem with your DD she speaks to you and that she has no right to tell off your DD.
If she needs the loo when your DD is in a bath tell her to go to her own house after all its only a street away.

OMG!! That sounds like a friggin nightmare.

I do agree it is DHs fault because he obviously has never stood up to his parents and also agree with all of what is being said. I also think, some guys just find it so hard to stand up to their parents because they havebeen brought up like that. I think you have to teach him to do this and support him completely.

He probably is under immense emotional pressure to 'behave' and not rock the boat and he needs to learn to ignore the parental guilt trips. When he does have the courage to stand up to her/them, he will find it gets easier every time. The first time will be the hardest and expect lots of tears, bawling and emotional blackmail (you don't love me anymore, you've changed since you met 'her' blah blah)...but I am happy to say it does get easier each time you do it and the message does eventually get across.

Of course you will get the blame for his sudden ability to speak his mind but who cares.....as long as you both can get peace, boundaries and respect then it doesn't matter. A bit of understanding of how your husband has been brought up to 'comply' will go a long way. And, I'm not saying let him off the hook, he needs to realise you seriously are not going to put up with this shit and does he want to spend the remainder of his marriage arguing about his mother with you???

Is there any way you can save up and buy a place, rent a new place or ask the council for a swap near where you used to live? Regardless, I'd move away as soon as possible because this woman will cause you trouble....we moved 50 miles (mostly for job reasons) but it worked for us

Your DH needs therapy in order to learn to set boundaries and say no to people who invade his space.

Did you really not know what his parents were like before you married your H?. His parents relationship with you two is emotionally unhealthy on so many levels.

You are both being doormats to this awful pair and they will keep on at you. You put both stand firm against these people.

My guess is as well his parents have always been this overbearing and awful. This is no excuse for his lack of backbone at all but when you've grown up with such toxic people as parents changing your own self is extremely difficult to do. He now likely only realises the full entent of their control and does not know at all how to counter it.

I would also suggest he and you reads "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point. I would also suggest he and you receive counselling together and separately.

Please don't take this the wrong way, it will probably sound offensive, but if your DH has always been this way, you might want to think what it is about emotional men who want to appease everyone that attracts you. Does it make you feel in more control of your life? It might be if you move further away from his parents, your DH might be just fine for you as he is. Your DH might be attracted to you (amongst many other reasons) because you are stronger emotionally.

How can you let your daughter suffer like this? She needs to come first! Your DH needs to talk to his family and to stand up for you. You cannot let his family treat you like this, you need to stand up to them. If I was you I'd be filing for divorce and getting the hell out of there. Why did you marry him in the first place?