Resentment in relationship. Needs help.

[newmumnamechange]

When I got pregnant my sister was going through IVF (which I didn't know), refused to speak to me or my partner for 3 months, then told us she was pregnant. However, she was always off with us and her and her DH were very angry at me getting pregnant first and not having to go through IVF.

DP thought he couldn't have children, yet we got pregnant very quickly. He had tried for kids for a long time in 2 previous relationships and nothing had happened. He was extatic when we got pregnant. However, it was a taboo with my family and we wern't allowed to talk about it. DS is now 7 months old.

DP really resents my family, particularly my mum, sister and BIL. This is casuing hige tension between us and he says he will not forgive them for how we were treated and the fact we were not allowed to be happy for conceiving a child we never thought we would have.

What can I do?

Tell them live is too short for this nonsense. You both have your DC now what difference does it make anymore? Tell them you want to be happy and why can't they be happy too?

how awful for you

why could they not be happy for you?

They were jealous and angry. I still can't really get my head around it.

I was intensely jealous of a friend of mine who got pregnant first month of trying, when I had just lost a baby after 2 years of trying, and then found out about my fertility problems.

However I told her that I could not be happier for her (and I was, just intensly sad for me) and would not wish my situation on anyone.

Your family have treated you atrociously and I don't blame your dp for feeling hurt.

Is there any way that this could be resolved? I.e. by talking to your sister and getting an apology?

I'm guessing this is very unlikely. But don't let your family's terrible behaviour affect your relationship. Your dp is upset because they hurt you - your family on the other hand are not. Your dp is the one I would be siding with. Sorry.

crunch- that's really put things into perspective for me. Sister has appologised to me but tries to justify her actions by saying that I'll never go through what she did so how could I understand and she wasn't in the wrong etc.

What's the next step now? How do I let DP know that I'm on his side, and how do I help him let go of his resentment?

You don't apologise in one breath and in the next say 'but I was justified really.'

Either she's sorry about her behaviour and accepts it was wrong or she isn't.

Have you posted before? I seem to remember a similar nightmare situation for another poster recently.

I've never talked about this before as I feel very guilty to my family.

Recently discovered I have a toxic family and I am the scapegoat, so I harbour terrible guilt.

I agree with katch that your sister has not apologised.

Have you explained to your sister that although you understand how upset she must have been, she cannot use your own happiness as a rod to beat you with?

She had no right to make the happiest experience of your life something to be ashamed of. You won't get that time back. It's gone and all because of her selfishness. IVF is awful, of course it is, but it seems that your sister would prefer that you had as hard a time as she did, than had a safe and easy conception and birth. I wouldn't wish the pain and suffering on my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved!

I think you need to talk to her again. She was unfair to you. Your dp has every right not to want to have anything to do with her.

Let your dp comfort you and believe him when he says that they are in the wrong and not you. Have proper talk about how they make you feel and how you feel stuck in the middle, but accept that he is the only one who has been on your side throughout all this.

I would recommend some counselling too. Either for you, so you can understand how you should not take the blame for your sister's inability to conceive (because that is ridiculous, but it is what you are doing), or for you and dp so that you can get your family's influence out of your relationship.

I think you need to give DP the opportunity to tell them the effect they had on his/your hapiness during a special time in your life..

I don't really understand why there is a still a problem.

Surely now that you've both had your children everything has settled down?

Your sister behaved really badly, but she's right that you don't understand what she was going through or how it was affecting her. People who are having fertility problems seem to sometimes get a little bit crazed, and although it's not entirely justifiable, it is something I think it's reasonably easy to understand and forgive. You've had an apology, so can't you and your DP just let it drop now?

I don't think anybody needs any more opportunities to keep on about this. They were having a hard time, they behaved in a shitty (but understandable IMO) way, and have apologised (admittedly not unreservedly, but still).

There are two cousins who may grow up estranged just because their parents can't get past things that happened when all of the people involved were going through very emotionally charged times.

Skidoodle - don't you think that talking things through and resolving feelings on both sides would be better than just pretending it never happened?

It sounds like this is not the only problem in newmum's relationship with her family. I certainly don't understand why your mother wouldn't be happy for you - even if it wasn't in front of your sister.

OP never said her Mum wasn't happy for her, just that her DP resents her.

He apparently resents them because they "we were not allowed to be happy for conceiving a child we never thought we would have", even though he clearly wanted to express how "ecstatic" he was that OP was pregnant.

Now this makes me wonder a little how happy they were exactly, and how they chose to give voice to that happiness.

If someone close to you is going through fertility treatment when you suddenly get pregnant with no effort at all (and I've been there) then I think you need to allow for the fact that they might struggle a little to be overjoyed at your news.

Could it be that the OP's mother feels that there was not quite as much sensititivity around this as there could have been?

My sister was having some (minor) fertility issues when I got pregnant (on my honeymoon ) and although my Mum was delighted at my news, I know she was also worried about how my sister would take the news. If I (or DH) had been insensitive to her feelings and caused her pain when we had so much reason to be happy I think she would have been pretty disgusted TBH.

Maybe there something to be gained by going through all of it again, but I can't see what it is.

Perhaps I have assumed about the family involvement, just as you are assuming they began the insensitivity.

Newmum, are you still there? Could you clarify those points as they are hugely relevant to the extent of both sides' reactions?

Well apparently her DP/DF is very jealous and possessive

mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/664300-Serious-relationship-problems?reverse=1

So either this poster is just trolling or she's with a man who is possessive and trying to estrange her from her family.

If you're for real, the answer is that the problem is with your fiancé, not your sister.

I don't think we have nearly enough info to decide that skidoodle

If her family are controlling and "toxic" as the OP states then her dp is being supportive and trying to minimise the effect they have on her. However, if they were insensitive when they announced their pregnancy and family was hurt resulting in the anger and pain of the sister, then OP's dp is the one with the problem.

Anyway, nothing more to say without more info, so I'm leaving it there for now. Good luck newmum. Try to look at everything that has happened objectively and the reactions of all involved on a highly emotive topic.

skidoodle, slow down - you are making an awful lot of assumptions

OP has said that she didn't know her sister was going through IVF at the time.

OP I'm not sure what advice to give you but I think your DP has to understand that you are stuck in the middle here between him and your family and that is incredibly hard for you. Can you explain that to him?

Yes, I'm assuming that a "name change" poster with two totally unrelated threads (and no reference made in either one to the other) on the same topic in one day might be a troll.

Anyway if you put the other thread I linked to with this one and you believe they're both true, then anyone with any sense would be extremely wary of a man who is very jealous and possessive of his girlfriend and also causing a rift between her and her family.

It's classic abuser behaviour - controlling her and alienating her from the people who love her.

I wonder how she "just realised" she came from a toxic family?

Skidoodle- I'm not a troll and I don't appreciate the accusation. That's all I have to say to you.

I was told (on MN) to read a book about toxic parents and realised that mine are in fact toxic.

My other thread is entirely separate as we are having issues which all seem to stem from us going through a rough patch because of my sister. We were fine before that, and usually are fine. But everytime it raises it's ugly head, we seem to have this posessive rough patch. I don't know how linked they are.

I rang to tell my sister I was pregnant (unaware that she was in the middle of IVF) and she was really angry about it. I assumed it was because I was quite young and still finishing university. This obviously was not the case. I never heard from her again for three months. She and her H refused to speak to my family because I was pregnant and they blamed my mum as they said she should have told me not to get pregnant WTF? My family were then off with me and DP.

So a huge mess over all really.