How do you adapt to being a mother in law?

[Caligula]

Not sure how to advise a much older friend of mine, who has very recently become a grandmother. Her DS and his DP had a baby 2 weeks ago, after only a year of knowing each other. DIL has always been polite and civil, but obviously finds my friend difficult and overpowering. She?s very theatrical, forthright in her views and the expression of them, and not very tactful. Whenever she goes round to their flat (within walking distance from her?s) her DIL goes and has a bath ? for about an hour!

My friend is very upset because she appears to have to ?make an appointment? to see her grandson and fears that it will become as difficult as getting to see your local GP! She has tried to be very tactful and non-judgemental in any discussions she has had with DIL and there have never been any arguments or open disagreements, or even unpleasantness of any kind. But on a couple of occasions when she has asked to come round to see her GS, she has been told that she?s not allowed to, and she has basically been made to feel unwelcome and redundant.

I?ve told her that she just needs to back off and give DIL space, but tbh I have the feeling that the Gobi desert wouldn?t be enough space for her DIL; I?ve made noises about the relationship between MIL and DIL being a supremely difficult one to negotiate (we discussed it and agreed that it can be a primal struggle for control of a) the man and b) the next generation of the family ? in terms of what values are passed on) and have said that she needs to accept that this is the next stage of parenting ? letting her DS go. She understands all that rationally, but is really upset that she can?t see her GS and feels that she is being marginalised in her DS?s and GS?s life. She also wants a good relationship with her DIL, but doesn't know how to construct that. Does anyone have any advice I can pass on to her?

That's a very good idea Rarrie. Will moot that one to her.

Have to agree with most of these posts. My MIL insisted on visiting every day I was in hospital with each child, then on the day I came out of hospital & the following Sunday. All I wanted to do was take the baby upstairs & lock us both away until she left!!!

My mum would arrive & say "what needs doing?" then go off & do the laundry or whatever. MIL would grab baby & sit cooing at it. You haven't said what your friend does while she's visiting, but the regal bit really wound me up!

I wouldn't say that I'm particularly close to my in laws but when my first dd was born they were very considerate. When dh rang and told them she had been born they said that we should take our time and ring them when we felt ready for a visit even though I knew that they were dying to see her. This took a lot of the pressure off and I have to say that their tact and sensitivity has made me more inclined to make sure that they see lots of her. They are also the only people that I've ever gone out and left her with and this is largely because they are respectful of the way that we do things.

My Mil lives 100s of miles away and is very ill so I have never had her pop in ever, and in some ways that is a loss, and in some ways not. However, re the bath thing, whenever ANYONE comes round who can look after the baby I have a bath! My mum, the childcare student who is helping me out atm, dh....anyone! It's a rare and precious thing. Maybe in a couple of weeks (letting her DIL have some time for herself) she might suggest that if her DIL wants to go to the hairdressers or anything at all, she will be happy to babysit for a few hours (but of course, be careful not to suggest that the DIL is letting herslef go, of course!)

My mum is also a bit theatrical/overbearing etc, and it is a bit too much for us, esp dh, but she is very close to ds and one of the best things is that she looks after him two mornings a week - out of the house! She has him at her house and sometimes at weekends we used to drop him off on a Sunday and we'd go off and have lunch together. It may be that in future your friend might be able to do similar things for her son and DIL, ie forge her relationship with her grandson without necessarily being with her DIL.

Best thing your friend can do Caligula is ease off a bit, at least until they find their feet. I expect most women who have given birth just two weeks ago would love to be able to lie in the bath for an hour rather than have to make conversation. She's sleep deprived for chrissakes!!!

When my son was born I prayed for people to drop by bearing home cooked dinners and then politely leave. No one ever did. We ended up cooking dinner for visitors who never seemed to notice how knackered me and my DP were.

As for the committment issue, your friend's DIL has just GIVEN BIRTH to her son's child. I think that counts!! I'm not married but i take my relationship with my DP very very seriously - why else would we have a child together?

In time the DIL will be sure to value having someone just round the corner as long as that person is supportive and friendly. And if it doesn't work out, send your friend round to me - I don't have a mother or a MIL so my son is short of grandparents!!

I agree - visitors can be shattering when you are a new parent. If my baby fell asleep in the early days I just wanted to be myself to rest, chill and have some private headspace - not make polite conversation! I also think it is clear your friend does only want to visit her grandson, and that can feel very rude to a new mother. Yes, by all means visit the Blessed Child, but if it's obvious that it is a case of - you are just the vessel, I am here to adore this product of my son's loins, it can be extremely tiresome.

i havent read all the posts below, but i have a similar relationship with my MIL to what you described, other than that i dont say she cant come round when she asks. i think the my MIL tried far too hard, and doesnt do herself any favours by coming round unannounced when she knows I am on my own - this makes me dislike her as i dont like people turning up withut checking first, as i dont feel comfortably enough with her to just carry on doing what i am doing and get onnwith stuff - i feel like i have to sit there and make polite conversation which is always really uncomfortable as we have very little to say to one another. she also makes a lot of comments which are really negative and judgemental on me and dp, eg when she found out we were expecting "im very dissapointed your not getting married first" or when we said we wee moving house to a better area/better house etc "oh, do you think thats a good idea i think you should just stay there" i always feel like she is really discouraging of our plans for the future and critical of things we do.

i think that realtionships between DIL and MIL's in general must be very dififcult when a baby comes along especially if the DIL is very close to her own mother. I do feel bad for feeling this way towards her, but like i said i think she tries to hard, and should also think befre she says things, as she has to accept that her son has grown up now and has a family of his own, with ambitions for the future.

i think your friend shoould give them some space, as 2 weeks is not a very loog time, and most poeple want the baby to themselves for ages, and dont need pother people coming in and out f their house - the DIL will probably appreciate this much more and in time come round nd acept her gradually, as if she forces herself upon her, the DIL will (like me maybe) decide she really doesnt like her and then in the futur, everything she does, good or bad the DIL will dislike her even more!