Advice please

[IfNotNowWhen]

Would really appreciate some objective advice.

Potential DP is keen as mustard on me. I love being loved so wholeheartedly: he's easy to talk to, honest, knows what he wants and a great Dad to his two wonderful dcs. We share a significant hobby and have a similar outlook on the important things in life. I didn't fancy him at first but have since come to value the physical side of our relationship enormously.

BUT: in many ways we are very different: i am bookish, academic, outword looking, sociable etc. He is intoverted, with few adult friends, and has lived a compeltely different life to me. Our families would have very little in common with each other. He isn't interested in spending time with my friends.

Does it matter if you embark on a relationship with so little in common? I am very aware that I am 33 and would love to have a family so need to get on with it: this wonderful man is offering me everything. But I have declined his offer and am wondering whether it's the right thing to have done. I didn't envisage the quiet life he promises but neither did I ever anticipate the joy of sharing 'boring everyday stuff' with someone.

What does a relationship that starts like this look like in the future?

I don't think it matters what different lives you have in the past, do you really enjoy his company? Does he make you laugh or do you feel you are settling for second best.

He makes me feel very secure and very safe - in a way that I've never felt before. But, though I don't like to admit it, he's not someone I would have imagined ending up with.

We have talked about this a lot - and I can't escape his warning that I'm letting life pass me by while I wait for something that may not exist.

It does exist. Ok it can be tricky finding it but I don't think I would start a family, and commit to with someone I couldn't have fun with.

Also it is the law of sod that as soon as you commit to a relationship along comes someone of your dreams.

I have to say, I don't much like the sound of it.
Few adult friends?
Doesn't want to spend time with your adult friends?
Already has DC?
And is currently offering you all your heart could desire, so long as you give up your life as you know it (I am speculating here, I know that's not what you've said)

I think that if you took up his offer you might find that life took a bit of a downturn in terms of how wonderful he is to you. And you would let your friendships peter out as he wouldn't be interested, and he has no friends from whom you can gauge anything about him previously, thus cutting yourself off from outside life, being a wonderful SM to his DC and having a new little baby to bring the family together and then why would you want anyone outside of the family anyway?

This is the way it could go and I have seen it happen; but I am also v. cynical, and it could be great. But 33 is not that old - I was 35 when I met DH so there is still hope for you!

I think you would regret it a few years down the line, tbh. There is more to life than being safe.

Yep, I agree. And as you have said you don't particularly fancy him, and haven't said anywhere that you are in love with him, this doesn't sound like it would lead to anything romantic or exciting in the future either.

Picture yourself in 5 years time...fewer friends, less socialising, the physical side of things has taken the inevtiable downturn...what else will there be?

He might be a lovely man ut he doesn't sound right for you.

Thanks for your advice: I really appreciate it.

Feeling a the strength of my reslove a little more now! And shall take heart from the fact that i'm not that old yet.

my dh and I mirror your potential dp and yourself

we are very happy

good luck

Not that old? I am 33 too, it is positively youtheful

Is he the type that has a few close friends? If so, then this is a good thing imo.

One thing that I really like about DP is that he has a close circle of friends that he has known for over 20 years and they are all still quite close.

Are you sure that he isn't interested in spending time with your friends or is he just very shy? My DP is quite an extrovert, on a superficial level, but was nervous about meeting my friends as he's actually quite shy.

I don't think it matters that you are different personalities with different experiences in life. That can be very enriching in the context of two healthy, emotionally intelligent people. However, you do need to have similar core values on the things that matter, such as parenting, social responsibility, etc., or things will come unstuck.

With regards to extrovert v introvert, it can work fine if you RESPECT each other's differences. For example, if he's less sociable than you that's fine as long as he accepts that it is your right to spend time with your friends. He might enjoy having time to himself while you go out socialising. However, if he wants you to sacrifice your friendships in favour of more time at home with you, then you're heading for problems.

I agree with CapricaSix, I think you really want this to be right but it doesn't sound as if you really believe that it is.

You mention that you are bookish and academic (so am I). Do you find him interesting? Until I started seeing the man I'm seeing now, I'd never even realised how bored I had been by all the men I'd been with before, including a couple who were very serious about me, like your man, and who wanted to settle down. Being constantly challenged is (for me) incredibly relaxing and reassuring whereas feeling alone with my 'bookishness' and intellectual side - even with a loving, caring and successful man - meant I always kept a part of myself separate.

You are obviously also thinking in terms of children. Are you excited at the thought of this man as the father of your children? That's a slightly different question from whether he'd be a good father in general (obviously he already is).

Everyone has this dilemma: settle for Mr Safe or hold out for Mr Fireworks.

Have you been hurt before by someone you were mad about? If yes, I can see why this Mr Safe would appeal. However, I wouldn't settle for this just because you're 33, fgs! Slap yourself! You know the answer already.

I've read lots of threads on here where women have settled for Mr Safe and 10 years on, they can't stand to touch him, feel ill at the thought of shagging him & are still wondering what to do.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Ronaldinhio - glad you are happy and that the scenario doesn't have to end badly. I admire your courage for trying something that didn't seem obvious. Good luck

arionater - you've hit the nail on the head. I would really like this to be right, but can't quite bring myself to believe it will be. We have similar values, hobbies etc and the idea of him as a father to my children is surprisingly nice (he's soooo competent!, and making the children would be ace etc etc. But he doesn't tickle my bookish fancy one tiny bit - i had sort of got used to the idea that books don't matter. But being pushed, challenged and growing together is very enticing.

I never thought i'd 'settle' for someone but sometimes it seems a very atractive option. CapricaSix - lucky you finding the one. Here's hoping... Meanwhile shall count myself lucky to have very good relationships with any number of small children and their parents and enjoy being able to spoil them rotten with impunity.